15 Abominations Soulcalibur VI’s Character Creator Cursed Us With
Soulcalibur has a character creator, and that means all manner of bizarre and abominable creations. It’s time to review the 15 most ghastly.
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This is the thing that sits in the corner of my room when I have sleep paralysis. It has a face, but no eyes on that face. Its mouth is on its stomach. His eyes are where his nipples might be. I feel him readying to consume the opposition. He will steal their essence if they turn away from him for even a moment. He will defeat them, eat them, assume their identity, and carry on in their stead; this is Nightmare Kirby. A modern Lovecraftian horror.
I don’t like clowns. Flat-out. It’s just always been that way. I remember walking into McDonald’s as a wee lad and seeing a bench inside with a statue of this dreaded clown sitting on it. To some, it was an invitation; to others, a challenge. Ronald McDonald has decided to take that challenge to the next level and entered the arena of Soulcalibur as a katana-wielding combatant.
He directed and starred in the cult film, The Room. He hit the peak of human existence with the creation and distribution of that film. That’s why he cut his career short there. He knew it simply wouldn’t be fair to those around him if he continued his success. After many years embracing his private-life and living in comfort, he still wasn’t fulfilled. Lisa may have torn him apart, but he’s tearing Soulcalibur apart next.
There are some things that just shouldn’t be allowed to occur; some things that are too grotesque to even be imagined by a human. Ever since his initial inception, Pickle Rick has been a bane on society. The Szechuan sauce craze was just the beginning of the madness. The Rick and Morty fans will stop at nothing to make sure that Rick Sanchez conquers every known dimension. Somebody decided that it was time to release the marinated monster known as Pickle Rick upon Soulcalibur’s.
Undertale surrounds me at every turn. I go on twitter and click on a video that my friend DM’d me. It ends with that damn Sans sound effect. I go on Instagram. The process repeats itself. Sans is inescapable, and the popularity of Undertale is insurmountable. The trauma of seeing him as a Soulcalibur character takes me back to all the times that I’ve been bamboozled by this slick skeleton. I can still hear that sound effect in my head.
The Crimson Chin
This abnormally large chinned hero is here to fight. There may be no FairlyOdd Parents around to help this hero come to life, but that couldn’t stop him from making his way out of a Nickelodeon cartoon’s in-canon comic book, and into SoulCalibur. His block chin is an absolute sight to behold, and I can’t look away from it. The shadow of his chin protruding over his opponent’s broken body will be the last thing they see.
Konami may be stringent with their IP nowadays, but this properly proportioned, human-like, Bomberman might just fall under the category of parody. Not parody as you may think of it though; too often do people associate the word “parody” with meaning “funny”. No, this is something born of the darkest of minds. His eyes remain unblinking as he bombs the opposition into oblivion with his hammer-like fists. They won’t be laughing at his leotard then.
Netflix let the terror known as Tobias Funke out of his cage for one moment, after filming the latest season of Arrested Development. In that moment, he made his way to Soulcalibur, donning only his jorts, sandals, and a mustache. He is exceptional in many ways, one of them being that he is the only man I can think of that blue himself. This is a man that only has one fear: being nude.
His brush: his fists; his opponent’s face: the canvas. Bob Ross is finished with painting happy clouds and trees. He brought his pallet but there’s only room for one color on it: the blood of the opposition. This painter is finished with teaching people the basics of painting. He’s grown sick of their “happy accidents” as he once would’ve put it. The Joy of Painting may be over, but he’s come back to put the pain back in painting.
Pepsiman hasn’t been seen or heard from since his debut in 1999 on the PlayStation, with the smash hit video game, Pepsiman. He was rejected by the people that he saved, despite giving them the refreshing drink that they were in so desperate need of. Pepsiman was a man of the people, until they decided that they want their men to have observable features on their face, like eyes or a mouth. He may have been one of the original endless runners, but he’s done running now. He’s arrived in Soulcalibur to fight, and make sure that you never enjoy a refreshing soft drink again.
This bipedal equidae may suffer from intense bouts of depression and anxiety, however, just like it couldn’t stop him from acting, it couldn’t stop him from entering the arena of battle. BoJack isn’t sure of what he’s doing here, but he knows that he has to take down the opposition if he ever wants to return to his mediocre, Bob Saget-post Full House-esque, life.
I can’t tell whether it’s her cylinder of hair, or the fact that her character card has an up skirt shot in it, or even her bug eyes, but this by far might be the most depraved thing I’ve seen in Soulcalibur’s creations yet. She’s ready to krump with her sweetie pies. By that, I mean that she’s ready to dance on the graves of all who oppose her.
He crossed the Delaware, but now he’s crossing over into the world of Soulcalibur. He once fought for independence and ideals, but now he fights for his life. This founding father is here to battle it out with the best now. The first president of the United States cannot tell a lie, that’s why you should believe him when he tells you that he’s here to beat his opponents into submission.
There is nothing more disturbing than the Pistachio. It is shelled and protected from all forms of damage. It is the unbeatable entity. An unbreakable opponent. It would take a herculean effort to crack him. This green monster is undefeated, and I would never get near him. That’s mostly because I’m allergic, though.
This sultry Sonic seduces folks at an unreasonable rate. He moves fast, but he finishes you off even faster. He bears that ring with him in battle, and he accentuates the speed of his hips when he’s swinging that ring around himself. He’s basically just Channing Tatum as Sonic in Magic Mike. That’s a sentence I never want to write again. The last site his opponents see will be his impeccable physique flexing over their broken body