Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

As October draws to a close, we begin to look back on the month that has been. We’ve explored the top scariest Pokemon, the most evil Pokemon, and the Pokemon that most look like they would date me if I just asked nicely enough (that last one is exclusive to my personal blog).

But of course, Halloween looms just around the corner, and we couldn’t resist giving you just one last spooky Pokemon list. To finish off the glorious festivities of Poketober, we’re taking a peek at the nastiest, most intimidating beasts on the block. They’re big, they’re mean, and they probably wouldn’t date me so I’ve got my own beef to deal with.

Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

Mewtwo

The OG bully in town, Mewtwo is one of the most famous Pokemon in the franchise’s history, perhaps second to only Pikachu itself. It is a genetic freak, cloned from the DNA of the powerful Mew, and grown in a laboratory to be prodded and leered at by surly scientists.

As a result, it happens to be a bit of a grouch, as it is described to have “the most savage heart among Pokemon.” Basically, it wants to take you, and your cute little Wooper, and make you very, very dead. Then, it’ll post Game of Thrones spoilers on Facebook and leave the toilet seat up. It’s a menace to society, and it must be stopped.

Its only weakness (besides Bug, Ghost and Dark-Type attacks if you want to be literal) is the fact that almost every child it encounters is still toting the Master Ball they received in Saffron City, that they have been holding onto for this very specific moment. As a result, it frequently ends up in the possession of a smarmy ten-year old who then gives it a stupid nickname like “KURSED”, only lending to its fury.

Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

Tyranitar

When gen 2 rolled around, we were introduced to the sinister Dark-Type, predominantly intended as a counter to the Psychic-Type menaces that had so dominated the metagame. One of its most infamous members was this behemoth, the Armor Pokemon.

Its hide is nigh impenetrable (it’s pervious to bullets, mommy!), with the claim being made that “its body can’t be harmed by any sort of attack”. Pretty sure that if you were to sock this sucker with a Cross Chop from a level 100 Machamp it would feel differently, but we shan’t split hairs.

In addition to its buff bod, Tyranitar is also an offensive juggernaut with destructive capability so fierce, it changes the very landscape. As told in DPP, “if it rampages, it knocks down mountains and buries rivers. Maps must be redrawn afterwards”.

On the plus side, it is at least keeping cartographers employed, so it’s not necessarily all bad.

Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

Gengar

To be honest, Gengar would probably slot quite nicely into any of this month’s lists, as it is equal parts scary/evil/threatening/dateable. In the early games, it was fairly innocuous, known to jump out of shadows to frighten people. As each generation went on, however, its lore was expanded to make it downright homicidal.

Moon details its intentions to violently befriend you, saying that “it apparently wishes for a traveling companion. Since it was once human itself, it tries to create one by taking the lives of other humans”. Meanwhile, Sun paints a much more pessimistic picture; “should you feel yourself attacked by a sudden chill, it is evidence of an approaching Gengar. There is no escaping it. Give up.”

That’s one of the more upsetting Pokedex entries out there for sure. It borderline sounds like it was written by a Gengar who was sick of having to chase after people.

Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

Palkia

Legendary Pokemon tend to be a who’s who of imposing figures, so singling any of them out becomes a practice of ‘yes, but why?’ Palkia seems a logical candidate, with its ability to distort the very fabric of space and the fact that it’s over 13 feet tall, but there’s something else, something that we can’t quite put our finger on…

Perchance it’s the fact that it can appear wherever it pleases at any time? Per HeartGold and SoulSilver, “its total control over the boundaries of space enable it to transport itself to faraway places or even other dimensions.” It definitely wouldn’t be the sort of thing you’d want randomly materializing in your living room. At the very least, it would really throw off your feng shui.

Its signature ability, Spacial Rend, tears its victim along with the space around it. What that means, exactly, is a little unclear, but it sure does sound painful. And rather existential, to boot. Even Harold Pinter would find it a bit queer.

…Oh, hang on. It’s the fact that it looks like an enormous sex toy. Yep, that’s definitely it.

Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

Houndoom

Bucking the trend of threats that tower over you, Houndoom is a fiery pupper that may even look downright snuggly at first glance. But appearances can be deceiving; resist the urge to boop its nose, for it may be the last thing you ever do.

According to the Pokedex, “the flames it breathes when angry contain toxins. If they cause a burn, it will hurt forever,” which is clearly not a desirable outcome. The length of this pain is rather astounding, since its infinite nature suggests that it will continue long after you have died.

To make matters worse, Houndoom tend to travel in packs. Should you run afoul of one of these hellhounds, you’re more than likely to meet the rest of the family, too. Sure hope you brought a chew toy, lest you become one yourself.

Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

Gyarados

Ahh, that old standby. The moment the concept of threatening Pokemon is thrown around, this leviathan is always sure to get a mention. There’s a reason why it’s known as the Atrocious Pokemon, after all. I’d also accept the Abominable Pokemon, the Outrageous Pokemon, or the Ahh Run Away Before It Bites Off My Freaking Nose Pokemon.

The extent of its wrath is practically unfathomable, as it is said that “once Gyarados goes on a rampage, its ferociously violent blood doesn’t calm until it has burned everything down. There are records of this Pokemon’s rampages lasting a whole month.” That is one serious hissy fit.

Also noteworthy is that the population of Gyarados seems to be escalating. Originally only appearing once you had evolved your hapless Magikarp, in Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon, Gyarados can be found in 18 different places. Hopefully one of those places is not right in front of you.

Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

Tyrantrum

Gargantuan prehistoric monsters are always bound to set your knees quaking. Should you have survived your encounter with Tyranitar, you’ll no doubt be dismayed to learn that there’s an even bigger, heavier, and chompier dinosaur that would love to meet you and eat you.

Back in its heyday, Tyrantrum was the undisputed overlord. “Nothing could stop this Pokemon 100 million years ago, so it behaved like a king,” we’re told, lauding the crushing ability of its powerful jaws. Rather appropriately, Tyrantrum was then wiped out by the Ice Age, and by that, I mean a 4x weakness to Blizzard.

Despite this, unless you happen to be an Ice-Type Pokemon yourself (you do vaguely resemble a Jynx), your only recourse when confronted with a Tyrantrum is to flee for your life. You probably won’t get far, but at least you’ll make for suitable sport.

Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

Wailord

Okay, so Wailord isn’t known to have a nasty temperament or destructive tendencies. Indeed, the Pokedex even describes its swimming style as being languorous, which is a fantastic adjective that fundamentally means lazy.

The reason it qualifies for this list, obviously, is the fact that it is over 45 feet tall and weighs almost 900 pounds. If you saw this thing in an alleyway, you would be absolutely terrified. What kind of city are you living in, dammit? I think it’s high time you moved, because there are whales roaming the streets.

Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

Guzzlord

What would you get if you took a Snorlax and put it on steroids?

Well, you’d get arrested, probably. But failing that, you might end up with something similar to this monstrosity. Guzzlord is the Junkivore Pokemon and the resident fat guy of the Ultra Beasts. It lives only to consume, and indeed, its hunger knows no bounds.

“It has gobbled mountains and swallowed whole buildings, according to reports,” proclaims the Pokedex. Though many of the Pokemon on this list would sink their teeth into your supple flesh without a moment’s hesitation, there’s something rather unsettling about Guzzlord’s apparent indifference. It eats simply because that’s what it does. You’re not prey, you’re just there. Chomp!

Also, it doesn’t poop. This is important information.

Top 10 Pokemon You Wouldn’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alley

Mega Rayquaza

If you’re particularly observant, you may have noticed that many of the Pokemon in this list have Mega Evolutions that went unmentioned. Five, by my recollection, unless my fanart of Mega Wailord counts as a real thing. It’s the same as the regular Wailord, just with a pipe and a top hat.

The reason for this is because one Mega Evolution in particular is worthy of its own entry. It’s Mega Rayquaza, and it effectively broke the metagame, ruining online play for Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire. At 780 combined Base Points, it is tied with Mega Mewtwo X and Y for the highest statistical prowess. Its ability, Delta Stream, just says “nah not really” to any Flying-Type weaknesses. It doesn’t require an item to Mega Evolve, just access to the powerful technique Dragon Ascent.

Basically, it’s like that kid in the schoolyard who used to have all of the imaginary superpowers to counter anything you threw at them. It sucks, and you won’t want to hang out with it anymore. Hopefully your mothers aren’t friends, otherwise it’ll get invited to all of your parties anyway.