Jill Dozer
Everyone keeps saying that Jill should be added into Smash Bros., and I’m inclined to agree.
Throughout Smash history, it’s clear that there has been a distinct lack of girl power on the roster. Off the top of my head, there’s Peach, Samus, the luchador Pikachu and that’s probably it. Don’t you tell me to Google it, dammit, leave that to the fancy college kids.
Jill Dozer first appeared in Brawl as an assist trophy, where she recklessly tore through opponents with a drill, scattering body parts and broken dreams all around the stage. She was absent from Smash 4 for what we can only assume must be contractual reasons — gotta get that cheddar, yo — and has since been demoted to spirit status in Ultimate.
Such slander should go on no longer! Adding her as a playable character would unleash her wide arsenal of offensive techniques upon the world. She can drill, and she can jump, too! Just like my uncle when he’s had one too many glasses of scotch.
Stanley the Bug Man
Donkey Kong has tangled with many foes in the past. His major rivals, Mario and King K. Rool, both occupy spots on the Smash lineup, but there’s another plucky hero who has been waiting in the wings for far too long. He’s eager, he’s handsome, and he’s got more gas than Wario.
Stan the Bug Man of Donkey Kong 3 fame stood toe to toe with the manic ape way back in the day, when his beloved greenhouse was threatened. DK descended with an army of bugs, and his motivations are fairly unclear. Some say he was intending to use the herbs to concoct a toxic gas. Others believe he knew of their healing properties and was seeking immortality. Others reply, ‘who are you and how did you get into my house?’
How cryptic!
What is not cryptic, however, is Stan’s legendary status (that’s a good segue). Few have faced off with Donkey Kong and lived to tell the tale… the list of fallen Kremling soldiers is testament to this fact. Our boy Stan didn’t have many weapons at his disposal, but what he did have was bug spray, which he shot directly up DK’s ass to fend him off. It’s the most enduring image in Nintendo history, and I have it framed on my wall.
Bubsy
Most of the various characters from the fighters pass have represented Nintendo’s chummy relationship with famous third party developers, but there has been a critical absence of the mascot that put them — and the video game industry as a whole — on the map.
When Bubsy hit the Super Nintendo in 1993, the world was introduced to a hero like no other. He was charismatic and loveable, and his in your face attitude was a refreshing change from the frumpy also-rans clogging up the gaming industry. He had more style than fifty Byleths combined, man!
As the years went on, he continued to innovate and delight, from his hilarious television pilot to his groundbreaking 3D platforming adventure, Bubsy 3D. There wasn’t a Woolie alive who could slow down this hype train, running express from Radical Terminal before stopping all stations to Bodacious City. Please don’t get off at Bodacious City, however. The crime rate there is surprisingly high.
Bubsy has an in-built repertoire of techniques, and most excitingly, his trademark glide means that Brawl’s best feature can finally make a comeback. He’ll whiz through the air, proving nearly impossible to launch from the stage. He also jumps much higher, hits much harder, and breaks the fourth wall to prevent taking damage.
Yes, Bubsy will be top tier. I won’t have it any other way.
Alma Wade
Sakurai has shown that he’s not averse to getting spooky on occasion, as evidenced by the inclusion of Yuri Kozukata as an assist trophy. She takes photos, but Alma? She takes lives, instead.
…Maybe Alma would take photos too if she had a camera. You can never be 100% sure.
Ever since her premiere in F.E.A.R., Alma has been consistently haunting our screens and popping up when you least expect it. As such, it would have been entirely in-character for her to unexpectedly pop up in Smash Bros. The reveal trailer would be especially grim, featuring gratuitous gore and the mangled corpse of Yoshi. To complete the impact, Yoshi will also be removed as a playable character. As if anyone uses him anyway, right?
Alma’s speed would be unmatched, and she could even use her various apparitions to fight in her stead — a bit like the Pokemon Trainer, but much, much more distressing.
Dolph Ziggler
“It should be meeeeeeeeee!!”
I’m not sure how I can argue this point effectively, but I have a theory that including a shirtless, muscular man will boost my SEO.
My options were whittled down to Dolph Ziggler, Zangief, Machoke, and some fanart I drew of Mickey Mouse.
Because Sakurai has yet to respond to my magnificent artistic exploits, I’ll have to play it safe by going with Dolph. I’m willing to discuss some kind of Mickey/Ziggler hybrid, should you be so bold.
Victor Sullivan
The issue with having Nathan Drake in Smash Bros. is that he’s too closely linked with Sony, and his inclusion would basically be free advertising for Nintendo’s greatest rival.
The truly inspired decision would be to reach deeper into Uncharted lore and opt for Nathan’s father figure, Sully, instead. He is the tritagonist of Drake’s Fortune, the deuteragonist of Drake’s Deception and tetartagonist of A Thief’s End. Trends suggest that next time he will appear as the pentagonist, which I believe makes him somehow connected to the Pentagon. That sounds very exciting.
Sully will display all of the same qualities as Nathan, albeit slower because he’s an old man. He can parkour with the best of them, but his most effective technique is shooting his enemies in the face. Yes, he is just like Joker, because his special is simply gun.
The difference is, his side special is gun, his down special is gun, and his up special is gun, wherein he points it at the ground as a form of propulsion. It doesn’t get much height, but it’s still very upsetting if you happen to be below him at the time.
Alternate suggestion: Sully from Monsters, Inc.. His special is also gun.
Abraham Lincoln
Nintendo has had many heroes throughout the years, but perhaps none stand taller and prouder than the 16th president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
I mean that literally, because the dude was actually quite tall.
He’s appeared as the leader in Codename S.T.E.A.M. as well as the star of several erotic dreams that I haven’t fully understood yet, and has proven to be a versatile and popular figurehead.
Despite this in-game appearance, the Smash version will be based entirely on the genuine version for ultimate authenticity, which means that he will only be capable of performing acts he did in real life.
Because of this, he can’t do supernatural things such as double jump, or win in a one-on-one fistfight with Fox McCloud. He can reel off some inspiring speeches, however, and prosecute members of the Confederacy for their war crimes.
Fox is probably from the South, so Lincoln wins in the long run.
Waluigi
Nah, this one is just too dumb.
Published: Jan 16, 2020 01:24 pm