The year is 2077. Cyberpunk 2077’s world is a drastically different place, epitomized by the towering metropolis of Night City, its streets soaked in neon lights, dwellings unevenly stacked on top of one another. Citizens embed shards into their brains, they have healthcare systems that run diagnostics on their internals on a daily basis. Some have even gone so far with their cybernetic upgrades that they no longer resemble human beings.
I mean, look at this guy.
In Cyberpunk 2077, all of these things are possible, but a haircut? Impossible!
In my opening hours of Cyberpunk 2077, I was taken to visit an acquaintance, Victor. He’s one of Night City’s only licensed Ripper Docs, capable of equipping me with all manner of crazy modifications for my body.
He generously slots in some fancy brand-new eyeballs courtesy of Kiroshi. It’s the top-shelf stuff.
In a rather elongated blink of an eye, I’m equipped with my cybernetic goodies. It even links into the implant in my hand which links to my weapon and optics, providing ammo counts in the corner of V’s vision. But a haircut? Don’t be ridiculous!
V’s got a veritable treat of different quickhacks at their disposal. I can open up doors, steal money with a quick codex hack, disable security cameras, and turn enemies on one another. All thanks to the cyberdeck housing the RAM required to execute these processors. It’s the motherboard to which all the futuristic add-ons I splurge my eddies on plug into.
Yet, still, somehow, a haircut is unfeasible.
As long as I could drag this out for, I’ll spare you my horrendous attempts at comedy and cut to the chase. Despite all of the insane customization options at humans’ disposal in the year 2077, in essence, the beating heart of Night City, the need to have a cheeky haircut appears to be no more.
I mean, I get it. Hairdressing is so pre-2050, but if our au-natural hairs of yesteryear are no more, at least give us some sort of futuristic solution.
After having poured over every little icon on Cyberpunk 2077’s map, I thought I’d finally found the answer to my prayers. V’s apartment’s bathroom mirror! But of course, if there was some futuristic integration of character customization, then having it slap-bang in your home is certainly it.
I stride over to the mirror. I look into it. A blue bearded monster stares back at me. I hate my hair. And yet, all I can muster the strength to do is pull a strange frown… apparently.
The year is now 2080. I have jetpacks for legs. My entire head is chrome, my heart has been replaced with a liquid-cooled processor. I am no longer a man, merely a husk of my former self.
A 6ft trail of hair follows me down those same neon-soaked streets I cavorted down with Jackie all those years ago.
I still need a haircut.
Cyberpunk 2077 is now out on PS4, Xbox One, PC and Google Stadia. It can also be played on PS5 and Xbox Series X via backward compatibility. Now you, too, can question why haircuts are not a thing in Night City, and be just as perplexed about it as me.
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