Hail, traveler! Pull up a seat and rejoice in the most splendid day on the Fódlan calendar.
For you see, this day of December the 20th (AKA the month of the Ethereal Moon), is the birthday of Lord Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd — heir to the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus, the venerable Boar Prince, and a certified hottie, despite what that weird Reddit post once claimed.
‘Tis on this glorious occasion that we pledge our eternal allegiance to the Blue Lions house, with song and dance, or perhaps a fine gift worthy of Lord Dimitri’s praise. Sylvain has presented a gaudy trinket bearing the crest of House Gautier. Annette offers a tome containing wonders untold. Dedue has brought the severed head of his enemy, which is kinda gross but he’s doing his best.
Wh-what’s that, traveler? You’re questioning the validity of an article celebrating the birthday of a character from a game that came out four years ago?
Hold thine tongue! It is only through dire misadventure that I haven’t penned a piece chronicling Lord Dimitri’s birthday every year (I hadn’t thought of it until now), and I posit that I have been furthering the Faerghus agenda surreptitiously for many a season now.
Here is an article where I champion the values of the Blue Lions. Here is an article where I invite Dimitri to a tea party. Here is a picture of my cat Samantha.
As you can see, the evidence is irrefutable that I am the most qualified to wish our lord and savior a happy birthday, the timing of which is largely irrelevant.
Speaking of irrelevant, this would also be a most opportune time to remind you of the atrocities committed by the notorious war criminal Edelgard von Hresvelg — the blood-stained tyrant of the Adrestian Empire, perverse enthusiast of Hegemon Husks, and a woman whose surname looks like a dog vomited out various Scrabble tiles.
To even evoke her memory on this holy day is sin, and I would encourage you to desecrate any and all paraphernalia related to her house and adjacent houses. This can serve as your birthday present to Lord Dimitri. He will be quite enthused, and might even prompt you to “kill every last one of them”. Don’t be alarmed, I swear this is just him being friendly.
Still not convinced of how significant December 20th is? Then you may be interested to learn that it is also the birthday of soccer superstar Kylian Mbappé, pop singer Suzuka Nakamoto, and TV actor Bob Morley, who I thought was supposed to be a misspelling of Bob Marley until I clicked on his profile picture.
These people may not be related directly to Lord Dimitri (at least, as I understand the Blaiddyd family tree), however I have every reason to believe that they will be equally as celebratory that they too were birthed on this magnificent day.
Oh sure, some heathens may have moved onto shiny new toys in 2023, such as Fire Emblem Engage, what with its highfalutin magical rings that allow for a superior gameplay experience — very good and subtle internal linking Anthony, Lord Dimitri will be pleased — but the soldiers on offer pale in comparison to our humble leader.
For instance, were you aware that December 22nd is Kagetsu’s birthday? Who or what is a Kagetsu, exactly? Definitely not a stalwart champion who will bring our kingdom into a blessed era of prosperity, with really excellent blond hair and an eyepatch that makes him resemble King Bradley from Fullmetal Alchemist.
Kagetsu? More like Forget-you, you godforsaken son of a promiscuous okapi.
No, us true followers know that Lord Dimitri is our one shining light, and to stray from his path is to spit in the eye of the gods themselves. There will be no spitting at this birthday party, traveler. Just balloons, and confetti, and an oversized novelty cake (with absolutely no candles under any circumstance, because Dimitri is kinda freaked out by fire).
We hope that you have found this experience edifying. Before thine egress from the premises, you are to kiss the ring of Lord Dimitri on bended knee. If you’d like, you may also kiss my ring too. I bought it from Walmart and it has a cool picture of a skull on it.
Did you enjoy this article? If so, be sure to read why I would like to hold hands with Raphael from Fire Emblem: Three Houses. He’s a scummy Golden Deer renegade, but don’t hold that against him.
Did you hate this article? Well then, darn. I’ll try harder next time.
Published: Dec 20, 2023 09:00 am