The Ultimate Super Smash Bros. Roster That Nintendo Should Totally Copy From Me

Super Smash Bros. Roster

Of course Link should be in the game. Why wouldn’t he be in the game? …Is there something you’re not telling me?

The Ultimate Smash Bros. Roster That Nintendo Should Totally Copy From Me

The only umbrage I have with his presence in Smash Bros. Switch (which I will henceforth call Smitch) is that, judging by the trailer, they have opted for his Breath of the Wild attire. That costume really doesn’t do it for me. They should have gone with a superior design, such as the one found in The Wand of Gamelon. That was a man with such constitution, he could devour an Octorock – enemies beware.

The Ultimate Smash Bros. Roster That Nintendo Should Totally Copy From Me

I find these characters quite unsettling. With their monochromatic skin tone, their muted features, their lithe physiques… Is this what all of mankind will look like in the near future? It’s a downright Orwellian concept, and I would like to nip it in the bud before it’s too late. Begone, pasty yogis!

The Ultimate Smash Bros. Roster That Nintendo Should Totally Copy From Me

Because my furry fan fiction couldn’t possibly handle their exclusion. In one particularly gripping chapter, Fox discovers that Andross is in fact his biological father, and Falco becomes an android. Fox must choose which of these events he must prioritize, and a roller coaster of emotions ensues. Did I mention that I was the head writer for Star Fox Command?

We like to support a stable family environment here at Twinfinite, and Bowser is a contender for dad of the year. It’s apparent from the tutorial video for the Switch’s parental controls that Bowser is an active and alert presence in his son’s life. To omit them would be an omission of good parenthood, and we won’t have any part of it.

As for the Koopa Kids? Now that they’re no longer considered Bowser’s children, they can get lost. No room for freeloaders on this list!

Dark lord of all evil, and perhaps Nintendo’s greatest villain. Clone of the guy from F-Zero. Come on Ganondorf, that’s just sad. Get your own thing, man, maybe take a game or two off and try to come up with an original moveset. He probably owes Captain Falcon millions of rupees in royalties by now – he’s just lucky that his currency is literally found in bushes and pottery. Dude, the Hyrule economy is messed up.

Come on guys, the trend is dead. Pikachu and his pals have been hogging roster spots that should have been given to more deserving characters since the first Smash, and it’s time to put a stop to that. Remember how Japan disappointed at the 2014 World Cup? I blame their partnership with Pokemon – the artwork of which included Fennekin, despite the fact that Fennekin is a quadruped and incapable of kicking a soccer ball. Madness!

Bring back Ivysaur, though. He’s neat.

At first I was going to say that these characters were out, but while typing their names, I accidentally wrote ‘Pity’ instead, and I thought that was deep. Was this supposed to be a reflection of self-pity? Or an indication that I should show mercy on these beings?

Should we add Goku? Should we add Vegeta? Should we be courageous and add Garlic Jr.? It’s best to just play it safe, and go with the entire cast of DBZ. That’ll definitely get people talking, and we could even model them after the old Budokai games where they all have basically the same move set. Gohan is a clone of Piccolo is a clone of Krillin is a clone of Puar. Magnificent.