Dreary Weather
Editors note: Considering this a M-rated game about hell, some of the images in this article are a bit graphic. Just a heads up.
This is a typical drawback of hell, and it really puts a damper on your spirits as you peer up at the ashen sky, and see nothing but blackened clouds and the occasional gaping portal. The portal is also made of flesh, because of course it is, we have branding to adhere to.
Keep in mind, the odds of you actually ever seeing this weather are slim to begin with, as most residents have already been disembowelled somewhere deep within a smelly cave. In that sense, perhaps the crimson misery and thick smog are comparatively a breath of fresh air. Not literally, mind you. In fact, try to breathe as little as possible, you won’t be doing your lungs any favors.
It does rain, sometimes, which is nice. A refreshing shower to wash away your sins. Stick your tongue out and catch a few drops – yummy! Just be aware that it is raining blood, and in a way, you have now yourself become a cannibal. Maybe you are getting used to this after all?
Lots of Grabby Arms
Think back, for a moment, to the films of your youth. Do you remember that scene in the Labyrinth, where Sarah fell down the pit into a corridor populated by disembodied arms? Times that by about a million, and you have a pretty accurate idea of what Agony’s hell looks like. If you’re either too young/old for the Labyrinth reference to resonate with you, feel free to replace that with either Bimbo’s punishment in Swing You Sinners, or basically any segment from Yo Gabba Gabba. That should cover all age groups.
A sizeable portion of hell’s topography is made up of limbs, and needless to say, it’s quite disconcerting. Imagine you’re trying to carry your groceries home, and your bags are slapped to the ground by some smartass arm sticking out of the wall. What a waste! Now all of your jars of maggots and entrails are shattered at your feet. This is hell, after all, the shopping options are fairly slim.
And it doesn’t stop there, either. In some areas, there are tentacles – honest to god, tentacles – jutting out in every direction. That is bound to end in tears, no two ways about it: tentacles are troublesome enough when they’re being used responsibly by trained octopuses (…octopi? Octopodes? Octodad?). When being taken out of their proper context, and used to decorate the hallways of hell, you’d be better off just finding a detour and taking the long route home. Those entrails are damned expensive, you know!
Too Much Cannibalism
Hell has been portrayed in many different forms for millennia, often typified by flames, torment and nasty monstrosities who seem to really enjoy their line of work. Sometimes, it is particularly grim, and such is the case in Agony, wherein their interpretation of hell is definitely not near the top of our list of holiday destinations.
This will become apparent fairly soon after your arrival. You wake up, naked and shivering, in catacombs of flesh and blood. To your left, gnarled branches skewering the oozing torsos of a hundred forsaken souls. To your right, there is a creature just straight up gnawing on some dude’s face. This is a troubling reality in hell, and the only thing you have to be thankful for is that you’re not presently on the receiving end of this exchange. Better move fast, though – you look just right for dessert.
It seems as though you can’t go five steps without coming across a bit of cannibalism around these parts, and we daresay that the demons have crossed a line with their quota of human bodies consumed. In fairness, even a minute amount of cannibalism is generally frowned on, but admissions have to be made in hell – a little nibble here and there is probably okay.
But these guys? They take it way too far, and the connotations of it are fairly mind-boggling. What happens when you die in hell? Are you double dead? Do you respawn elsewhere, ready for another round? Or is it game over, red rover? None of the possibilities are particularly enticing, but if that’s the end of your torture, maybe you’re better off in the long run. When that twelve-foot tall beast comes bearing down on you, teeth gnashing, you’d best look as delicious as possible to expedite the process.
Poor City Planning
If you’re going to really make a go of this hell place, set up shop, maybe raise a family of corpses, you’re going to have to be ready to cope with some seriously lackluster ergonomics. The aforementioned tentacled walls notwithstanding, there is a serious housing concern that is plaguing the entire nation. Buildings are either shoddily constructed frameworks fashioned from nearby twigs and body parts, or elaborate stone fortresses that only the most affluent ghouls could ever hope to afford. There isn’t a middle class to speak of, you’re either at the top of the ladder, or being crushed underneath it, the bottom rung repeatedly smashed into your face until it’s a concave mess of goo.
Should you somehow manage to happen upon reasonable lodgings, you will quickly learn that your neighborhood is frequently chaotic and difficult to navigate. There is no easy commute to work, you’ll either have to brave the stairways made of skin, or take a quick dip through the murky ponds of unknown liquid. About the only solace is that when you’re inevitably late, you can make the snappy excuse to your boss that ‘traffic was murder’. You’ll have a good laugh together, before he sticks a jagged spear through your chest. Ugh, Mondays, am I right?
Someone should have a word with the people in charge about all of these logistical anomalies. It seems apparent that the corporate bigwigs behind the scenes have become complacent, lording over all with their goblets of tears atop a throne made of organs. Just be careful who you discuss this with: the walls have ears. And teeth. And probably a baby too, if you’re looking to fast track your family planning.
Bad Role Models
Think to yourself for a moment, who did you idolize as a kid? Was it an actor, or maybe an athlete? Perhaps it was a singer, or a political figure of some notoriety. Whoever they were, they probably did a great deal more to positively shape your future than the sinister denizens of hell.
We’ve already established their fondness for human flesh, and that’s a messy enough can of worms to deal with, but beyond that, what are they doing to make an influence on our children? Are they lecturing kids on the dangers of recreational drugs and not wearing sunscreen? Absolutely not – some of them don’t even appear to have working mouths that they could use to express such riveting prose, anyway!
Such lax morals should come as no shock, however, as the central figure behind this whole sordid kingdom is a woman known as the Red Goddess, and she likes to show off her physique, shall we say. The overall point we’re trying to make here is, despite what you may have thought, Agony’s hell is not a very nice place to be. Don’t be fooled by low rental costs and the high population growth, it’s a definite nonstarter for all but the most recklessly adventurous individuals. Maybe it’s time to finally start reconsidering Cleveland?
Published: May 28, 2018 11:40 am