Pokemon was a franchise I could never really get into. I watched the TV show when I was a kid but I stopped pretty early.
The last Pokemon I can remember seeing in the show are Lucario and that one penguin starter. The PokeRap pretty much sums up my Pokemon knowledge.
The video games are foreign territory too. I still don’t understand why they release two at the same time. To get more money? At some point, Nintendo is going to run out of pairs to name the games after. Pokemon Coat and Jacket coming out in 2030.
Either way, I at least know that some Pokemon can look kind of freaky. Or like Sir Farfetch’d. He is Mr. Steal Your Girl, Your Sister, Your Brother, Your Cousin, and Everyone On Your Street.
So, here’s 10 Sword and Shield Pokemon I’m seeing for the very first time.
Thievul
Thievul looks like it’s disappointed in not only you but its coworkers, the economy, its children, and itself.
Its first form looks like it just dropped its ice cream on the ground so it seems like Thievul could never get past that. It grew up to be perpetually depressed and it is now consumed with regret.
I can also imagine Thievul sitting behind a desk in a mundane office mindlessly typing away at an Excel spreadsheet.
It turns out Thievul is also a dark type Pokemon so this brooding fox is what happened to Swiper when he couldn’t take anymore of Dora’s no swiping.
Applin
So…this is an apple? With eyes?
Either way, it’s an apple ready to square up with anyone and anything that looks at it sideways. If it had hands, it would be throwing them.
Try and take a bite out of it and it will hit you with some vitamin C in your eyes.
Its evolved forms confuse me even more about its general anatomy but, I mean, it’s an apple. With a worm inside?
I’ve also learned that Applin is a grass and dragon type so it can go from 0 to Apple Rage in 3.5.
My take away from this is that this is an apple you don’t want to mess with because it’s definitely out for blood.
Toxel
This guy should have been the poster Pokemon for Sword and Shield.
I’ve never related so much to a Pokemon until now. From now on, I’m just going to say I’ve got a resting Toxel face.
Toxel looks like it passed judgement upon the world and found it wanting. It is perpetually unimpressed, unamused, and done with the entire day.
It looks like you tried to fight it on the day of its daughter’s wedding.
Its evolution path goes from Ron Swanson to “Then Perish” which means it has the greatest character development of all time.
I already assumed it was a poison type because of its name and the fact that it’s purple but it’s also, surprisingly, an electric type.
It’s gotta release all of that pent up disappointment somehow.
Sinistea
This is a cup. This. Is. A. Cup. Its literal name is Sin Is Tea and we all know Pokemon tend to have names that reflect what they are.
What has this cup done? Is it an eldritch horror? What kind of unspeakable atrocities has it committed?
It looks like it has seen into the deepest recesses of the universe and found the secrets of reality. The fact that it’s a ghost type just makes me think I’m right about all of this.
That little purple blob is ready to take over the world. I’m certain of it.
Milcery
Sword and Shield needs merch that features this little dude.
I’ve seen its evolved form which is literal dessert but I actually didn’t know that Alcremie starts off as the cutest piece of fluff I’ve ever seen.
It looks like the embodiment of sunshine, rainbows, happiness, clouds, and good vibes.
It can tap you on the forehead with its little nub and suddenly your acne is clear, your debts are paid, your depression is cured, and the ozone layer has been fixed.
No wonder Alcremie is so gosh darn cute. It comes from a Pokemon that shows up as an example next to the definition of cute in the dictionary.
Cursola
My first question for this Pokemon is: who hurt you? What happened? Why are you frowning?
This ghost tree/coral thing makes me sad just looking at it. Milcery needs to come over and give it a hug.
After doing some research, I found out climate change is the reason it’s like this so we’re the reason it’s sad. That makes me even more sad.
Now that I know that, I think this is the vengeful, angry spirit of the ocean and Captain Planet combined. This is the true final boss of Bloodborne.
It utilizes emotional warfare that is very much working right now. It makes me want to go pick up trash outside.
Arctozolt
I’ve never seen anyone so happy to be cold. I like the cold too but I’m not going to be grinning like I’ve won the lottery every time it’s below 50 degrees.
Though, Arctozolt looks like a pretty meaty Pokemon so the cold wouldn’t bother it anyway. It’s the Elsa of the Pokemon world. It ain’t rocking that designer puffer jacket for nothing.
I also thought this guy was a bird but it also has a shark tail? It’s like Articuno and Zapdos tried to have a kid.
After saying that, its name makes more sense to me. The fact that it is an electric/ice type is very unsurprising.
Looking up its type also showed me that it is 7 ft tall and weighs a whopping 330 pounds so this bad boy is CHONKY.
Eiscue
Eiscue is equal parts cute and weird. It’s a penguin with an ice cube for a head that’s still adorable. Not many franchises can pull that off.
Eiscue honestly looks like its living its best life without a care in the world. It’s just strutting around with an ice cube on its head.
I have no idea how this guy walks but I can imagine it sauntering with a little bounce in its step going from A to B.
Though, apparently, its ice cube hides its true jellybean head which I’m still cool with. It looks more like a penguin without it.
This is probably the most normal Pokemon I’ve ever seen. Minus the ice cube, of course.
Falinks
I first thought this thing was a caterpillar with a face I will see in my nightmares but it turns out it is made out of many little Pokemon that look like the martian guy from Looney Tunes.
In true Pokemon fashion, its name makes more sense now. Phalanx. Haha.
They’re also a fighting type which means, in my book, they’re automatically ready to throw down in a moment’s notice with their little feet.
They are a perpetual #squad and I would absolutely get out of the way if I saw them coming towards me.
Hatenna
This is the only Pokemon on this list I don’t really understand.
In this Sword and Shield adventure, I’ve seen a literal cup, the ghost of ocean’s past, and an apple but this thing is something I can’t figure out.
At the very least, it has an awesome hairstyle and a party hat, I guess.
Actually, after looking at its evolution path, I’ve come to understand that this Pokemon’s “thing” is just wearing a hat. I can’t blame it for trying to look cute.
This may be a world where Pokemon get captured left and right but Hatenna will at least get captured in style.
It also glows the hell up in its final evolution serving absolute looks. Watch out who you underestimate in high school. They might end up being a Hatterene years later.
In related Pokemon news, be sure to check out our review of Sword and Shield before you head out.
Published: Nov 26, 2019 10:53 am