Lara Croft
Lara Croft may be one of the legendary ladies of gaming, but as a Halloween costume, her visage is distinctly lacking in ambition. All it takes is a tank top, a pair of short shorts and a couple of guns strapped to your thighs, and really, that could describe pretty much anyone in Dallas in mid-July.
For over two decades, Ms. Croft has been the go-to for a quick “sexy video game character”, and the only thing more tiresome than seeing another lazily thrown together Tomb Raider costume is all of the thirsty comments that come rolling in, typically adorned with hundreds of those little fire emojis.
This would normally be the part where I’d suggest Aloy as an alternative, but I’ve already been called a snowflake enough this week. For the record, I really like snowflakes. They’re very pretty!
Kratos
Effectively the Lara Croft equivalent for bald men. Now that God of War has returned to the collective conscience, Kratoses (Krati?) are gathering en-masse at conventions, and if you had any machinations of joining the army this Halloween season, we strongly recommend you reconsider.
Give it a little bit of time for the dust to settle (or at least, the ashes of your slain wife and child). Sure, it’s tempting to leap onto the latest trend, but unless you’re 6’9″, you won’t stand out at all. You’ll just appear pasty, grouchy, and desperately wishing you had chosen a character who dresses more appropriately for the chilly fall weather.
Also, if you are 6’9″, why aren’t you doing every Halloween as Detlef Schrempf? Total missed opportunity.
Link
If you’re a talented cosplayer, the iconic hero from the Legend of Zelda franchise can be done in a multitude of fascinating ways, such as these marvellous examples. Unfortunately, the majority of us are not talented cosplayers. We are mere mortals, as adept with a sewing needle as we are at brain surgery.
As such, your best intended Link costume is likely to fall tragically short. You will probably be mistaken for Robin Hood or Peter Pan multiple times, and there is no practical way to carry around all of that weaponry. In Breath of the Wild, he was able to carry around three different varieties of animal carcass. In reality, however, that raw meat doesn’t travel so well.
Your only recourse is to travel in a large troupe of Link doppelgängers, so that you can mask each other’s dismay. Just watch out for the CD-i Link; there’s definitely something wrong with that guy.
Basically Any Mario Character
You know the type. They walk into the party with a big smile on their face. They’re convinced that they have arrived in the most original, creative costume known to mankind. They may declare that “it’s-a me, Mario”, when they should in fact be saying that “it’s-a me, creatively bankrupt”.
They love video games, you know. They even “used to have a Nintendo 64 when they were a kid”. They’ll probably get drunk pretty soon, and sweat a lot. Especially if they’re dressed as Yoshi — for whatever reason, Yoshi cannot hold his liquor and will get grabby if you give him the chance. He’ll totally ruin your Mario Party.
For the record, this also includes anyone who decides that they’re going to dress up as Bowsette this year. Oh yeah, don’t think we wouldn’t call you out on that; she is this year’s version of Harley Quinn, and she will be found literally everywhere. Come on, you may as well be a Minion.
The only one who gets a pass is the guy up above who has constructed a ramshackle Toad ensemble out of a helmet, a vest and a pair of sweatpants, because he is clearly out of shits to give.
Sonic the Hedgehog
Look at this punkass kid right here. What a jerk he must be, with that smug little grin on his face and those questionably constructed power sneakers. Why, I doubt he even goes fast! He has brought shame to his family and his nation, and must be judged for all eternity.
Straight up, this is actually a photo of me. I’m not just roasting some random child on the Internet; this isn’t Reddit, after all. This particular costume was pretty okay until my nose fell off (and by that, I mean the black hedgehog nose, not my actual one. That would have definitely ruined my Halloween).
As for you, inquisitive reader, you don’t have the benefit of being an adorable child. You may think that Sonic is a more avant garde alternative to the common Mario costumes roaming the streets, but it’s just a blue version of the same stereotype. If you really want to turn heads with your gaming mascot getup, you need to fully commit to the insanity and opt for a Bubsy costume.
What could possibly go wrong?
Published: Oct 31, 2018 09:43 am