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6 Totally Safe & Not at All Unreasonable Characters for the Next Smash Bros.


6 Totally Safe & Not at All Unreasonable Characters for the Next Smash Bros.

The Smash Bros series is defined, in part, by its self-oneupmanship. Each new edition adds more thrilling and shocking characters to its lineup, with each Direct becoming an event unto itself. We all know how we felt when Solid Snake popped out of that box. Or when the Final Fantasy VII reverie sounded. Or when Sothis instructed Byleth to join the fray.

…Hmm, one of those is not like the others…

But for every major bombshell, there are two to three supplementary characters. Safe hands who ought to have been included, and whose reveal is met with a round of polite applause not dissimilar to sinking a birdie.

With everyone’s eyes already on the horizon for what lies next in Smash Bros, there are still many gems to be unearthed. With that said, why not pay some mind to those glue guys who help fill out the roster — the veritable special teamers without whom a squad could not survive?

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story… the Tale of the Six Safe and Reasonable Characters for the Next Smash Bros.

Don’t worry, we can workshop the title, I swear it’s really scary.


“Swipe right or I’ll swipe your TV.”

Truth be told, I was a part of the anti-Waluigi movement for Ultimate. My initial reasoning was simple: once he was confirmed as an Assist Trophy, it just made no logical sense to me for anything further to develop.

What happened next, however, was emblematic of everything that is wrong with the Internet. Entitled shut-ins with nothing going on in their lives — no, I’m not pulling up on that statement, you know it’s true — decided that harassing Sakurai was the solution to their alleged besmirching.

With this in mind, I’d be fine if Waluigi never resurfaced in this series again, but let’s try to remain impartial on this for the sake of journalistic integrity (pause for laughter). Fresh game, a fresh start, fresh Waaaaaaa!

Due to his lack of a consistent set of abilities or traits, he offers an unpredictable moveset that keeps opponents guessing. Will he construct a wall of brambles, a la Super Mario Strikers Charged? Or summon a tidal wave, as he does in Mario Power Tennis? Will mans just straight-up boogie because DDR: Mario Mix was his only role as the central antagonist?

Consider him a blank slate with a startling fashion sense. He’s yours to mould, Smash enthusiasts.

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