So Death Stranding came out last week. It’s many things to many people, and opinions, much like the journey Sam takes, are all over the map. What cannot be argued, however (besides the fact that the umbrella is stupid) is that our humble protagonist is quite good at his job, no matter how daunting or thankless it may be.
But the mind stirs.
Who else in Norman Reedus’ sizeable backlog of performances would make for an effective deliveryman? It’s a question that needed to be asked, even if it probably didn’t need to be answered. We have painstakingly ranked them for your enjoyment, bewilderment, or abject disgust.
WARNING: This article will probably contain spoilers for twenty-year-old Norman Reedus movies. If you’re not ready for that, please avert your eyes and enjoy your upcoming millennium party.
15. Silent Hills Guy (Silent Hills)
Just evoking the name of Silent Hills is bound to open some wounds, because the horrifying P.T. resonated with gamers unlike any demo that came before it, and possibly any demo that will ever come again.
Looking back at the unnamed, unknown hero, however, it’s easy to see that he deserves to rank dead last on this list. He was famous for walking in an eternal loop, getting murdered by a vicious ghost, and leering at bloody foetuses in bathroom sinks. Ask yourself, if someone presented this to you on a resume, would you hire them?
The answer is no. He’s going nowhere fast, and your Google reviews are going to be overwhelmingly negative, with titles like “frightening and incomplete” or “lost my package, died sometimes”.