There’s nothing like going out to a new restaurant and dining on some absolutely delicious food. Whether it’s a five-star restaurant or the corner diner, food is pretty much an industry that cannot diminish, because ya know – we’d die without it.
Even characters in video games need to eat, usually, as most seem content scrounging up any kind of morsel from dead bodies or trashcans. However, for those of you who would rather actually eat out instead of dumpster diving for that box of Sugarbombs, consider avoiding these places at all costs.
Dead Rising 2
Located in one of the many food courts dotting Fortune City, the Cucina Donnacci seems like a nice place to grab some grub. That is until you realize the chef, Antoine Thomas, is serving you the chopped up remains of non-infected survivors. Lovely.
Even before the zombie apocalypse began I’d be hesitant as it seems like Chef Antoine was really keen on cooking up people for food. Yes, the world just ended, but man he just went from zero to a hundred at a rather alarming rate. It’s not even like he’s starving for food. There’s a massive table of the stuff right outside of the restaurant. Thanks, Chef Antoine, but that bag of chips over in the fountain, surrounded by zombies looks more enticing. Maybe next time.
The Sunken Dragon
Have any of you ever visited those restaurants that put on a medieval show while you gorge yourself on chicken wings? Well The Sunken Dragon, located in Xi’an, China, might be the place for you! Just swap out the knights for armies of soldiers, horses for tanks, and swords for thousands of bullets. What could go wrong?
Did I mention that The Sunken Dragon is on the water, or rather in the water? Yeah, maybe this isn’t the best place to take the family for dinner and a show.
True to its name, half of the restaurant is submerged in water thanks to people constantly opening the floodgates of the precariously placed dam aside this building. When they were constructing this, did no one question whether building a large restaurant next to a giant wall holding back thousands of gallons of water was a good idea?
Latte (The Milk Bar)
The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
It’s good to see that prohibition is working wonders in Clock Town, as a thriving bar that only serves milk seems to be the city’s hot spot. Not only does it require an exclusive membership, but it’s full of the town’s wheelers and dealers.
Imagine the face on your significant other when you tell them that they are going to a place that’s only open for three days. Just don’t mention that at the end of those three days a giant, nightmarish moon is going to crash into the town and obliterate every living thing for miles. Maybe you should spend those three days building a bunker or something… You can rebuild the restaurant later.
Who doesn’t love a family run restaurant? Run by the lovely Chu family, the Golden Koi is located in Northern Hong Kong, China near the marketplace. A perfect place to visit after a long day of shopping or riding around on your moped. Just make sure not to agitate the owner, as Mrs. Chu has definitely murdered at least three people in the kitchen.
Health codes are overrated anyway, at least she has a lot of helpful staff members. Wait – those are members of the Water Street Gang? Come on, who runs a gang from the back of a restaurant? I just want to get some food, not be a witness to a shootout or drug deal.
Winning the award for the slowest restaurant of the century, Burgertime may be the most convoluted establishment in gaming’s history. When you go to a place dubbed Burgertime, you expect a quality meal delivered at a reasonable pace. What patrons don’t think of is a chef running along precarious scaffolding, trying to knock down the ingredients needed to build a hamburger.
Has this man never heard of a cooking line or hiring other chefs to help? Also, Chef Peter Pepper, you have a lot of explaining to do when it comes to your ingredients. Last I checked, the pickles, eggs, and hot dogs aren’t supposed to be sentient and chasing people around. You need to start labeling expiration dates on your food.
Lake Shore Restaurant
Silent Hill 2
Does anyone in Silent Hill have any sort of standards? It’s bad enough you can get lost on the road easily and chased by gruesome monsters, but could a nice place to eat be so much to ask? Surely this was a lovely place once, there’s even a grand piano in the corner of the establishment. A piano which is now played by an unsettling little girl who thinks it’s fun to draw cats on the dusty windows.
You’re not helping here, Laura. I just want a sandwich or some pasta, not to be told about my dead wife and then left alone in this creepy building. Zero stars for the Lake Shore Restaurant.
In fact, all of these establishments would have horrendous Yelp reviews. Is it too much to ask for a place to eat that won’t get someone killed or, at the very least, poisoned? Ugh, I am just going to grab some fast food at Cluckin’ Bell. At least they only get robbed four days out of the week, I am willing to play those odds.