1: Dating
I love Stardew Valley. The breakout indie farming/life simulator from Eric “ConcernedApe” Barone caught me completely off guard, and I have been playing it on and off since it came to the Nintendo Switch back in the latter half of 2017.
There is just something so soothing about it, and although my farm still hasn’t achieved the fully mechanized crop-yields I have always dreamed of, I enjoy my time plodding around Pelican Town, hassling the town folk and gathering coral like some kind of agricultural hermit-man.
And so it went until two significant events occurred in the year 2018 BCE: Stardew Valley got a co-operative mode, and I married my high school sweetheart. Both events were momentous and intrinsically linked, I would soon find out.
My now-wife, but then-girlfriend, had curled up with my Switch the winter before and power-gamed her way through several in-game years of Stardew Valley and declared herself an unofficial expert on the matter.
Now that she has her own Switch, and Stardew has co-op, we have been coexisting on a small plot, learning to work the land, and I can’t help but compare and contrast the differences between our virtual life and our IRL marriage.
Sometimes they are significant, and sometimes they are so minor that the lines between the game and my real life start to blur.
My then-girlfriend and I started dating nearly 10 years after high school. She had traveled the world, and I was basically still playing video games. Our first date, we played through the entirety of Until Dawn in a single setting, which took an entire evening and most of a morning. I kissed her as she left, and then she crashed her car into mine as she was leaving. True story.
On the farm, such romance never existed. There was no courtship, she just immediately put me to work planting “snips” day after day (parsnips, for those out of the loop), while she ventured into the mines. If I was lucky, we would go to the beach and fish together on rainy days, but only because my main purpose as a living, breathing irrigation system was no longer required.
2: Chores
In our household, I am the cleaner. Toilets, showers, taking out the garbage, anything gross or smelly is my domain, and I tend to it (mostly) without complaint. This is because my wife is a fantastic cook, and meals are her purview. She enjoys cooking, and I enjoy eating. I don’t enjoy cleaning, but she enjoys a tidy home. Ying and Yang.
On the farm in Stardew Valley, there is no such balance. Any backbreaking, arduous task that needs doing is mine by default, by the pure fact that I am a relative noob.
My day begins with the watering, which might take up the vast majority of it. Then, with whatever energy remains in my battered, tired body, I would clear the land, either cutting down trees or clearing grass.
My wife during this part of the day is usually nowhere to be found. While she is either in the mines or busy fishing to achieve some nebulous task for the Community Center, my only company is a stupid dog named Dog.
At the end of the day, we turn in the fruits of our labors to the collection box. My contribution is rarely sexy, just produce, stone and tree sap for the most part.
She will proudly display the treasures that have been uncovered deep in the mines, geodes and precious minerals. We both turn in for the evening, her wondering what tomorrow will bring, and me knowing exactly how it will unfold.
3: Work / Life Balance
We are a quiet couple, and when we aren’t working in our respective arms of the publishing industry, we spend our leisure time in much the same way other couples do.
We go out to eat occasionally, but more often we stay in and play games and read. Both of us are fairly solitary by nature, and so we are happy to do our own thing.
Not so in Stardew Valley. Everything is a joint affair, usually out of sheer necessity or because it is the optimal way of achieving goals. My ”reward” for backbreaking manual labor is usually, yep, more work. Our downtime is usually spent in the mines, where we forage for minerals and battle monsters with simplistic AI.
Playing with Dog is something we look forward to, but she is a pretty lazy pet, and that can only fill so much time. More often than not, our time on the farm is purely spent working.
We tell each other that we will rest once the farm is ”complete”… but there always seems to be one more job that needs doing.
4: Jealousy
Our marriage is a secure one, in that I trust my wife and she trusts me. While we joke and threaten each other over divorce over little things like not cleaning up after ourselves, we are in this thing for the long haul.
Sure, we have celebrity crushes, and we complain that we both made the mistake of marrying Australians (missing out on sweet, sweet visa privileges), but this is in jest, and jealousy hasn’t been a factor in our relationship.
In the ‘Valley, things are different. Day after day of tedium and agrarian life can lead to boredom, and to temptation. Harvey always makes an excuse to stop by and brag about his medical practice, and Leah is always more than keen to assist with any construction projects… a little too keen.
The greatest threat to our in-game relationship is, of course, Abigail. In another life, Abigail and my wife were married, and I see them exchanging knowing looks when they think I’m not watching. I will be keeping a close eye on that one…
5: The Wedding
We traveled halfway around the world, from Melbourne, Australia, to New York City, to be married on the steps of the Public Library in Manhattan. It was a beautiful ceremony, and my sister-in-law, by the power granted to her by the state of New York, declared us husband and wife on a crisp December morning, with friends and family in attendance.
In game, our marriage was a much simpler affair. After crafting a ring from some end-game materials and popping the big question, a date was set, three days hence. All of the inhabitants of Pelican Town were there, and the mood was festive.
Lewis, as mayor and holder of the regional matrimonial seal, married us in the square by the Stardew Saloon. Confetti was thrown, and we lived happily ever after. While we danced, Abigail watched with a keen interest, wearing a smile as fake as her hair color.
Screw you Abigail, I win.
Published: Feb 18, 2019 03:50 pm