Saying that Red Dead Redemption 2 is detailed is an understatement akin to claiming that Kratos is a little bit grouchy. As Rockstar has revealed more and more footage, the question has shifted less from ‘what can you do in this game’ to ‘what can’t you do?’
The list is so gratuitously long, it includes the feature of horses pooping dynamically. Good gracious, what a time to be alive, ladies and gentlemen. Just imagine the wonderment in your grandparents’ eyes when you shriek at them about dynamic horse poop? Don’t even give them context, just say it and leave.
So we’ve taken it upon ourselves to throw some horse poop of our own at the walls and see what sticks, with a rundown of things that you can probably do in Red Dead Redemption 2. Is it farfetched? Or is it dynamic?
Things You Can Probably Do in Red Dead Redemption 2
Pick Flowers and Use Them to Garner Favor With the Locals
One of the most memorable side quests in the original Red Dead saw you gathering flowers for an old man to give to his wife (and gee, doesn’t an article on unforgettable side quests sound like fun?) It was a good start, but why stop there? In RDR2, let’s pick flowers for everyone. Flowers for the sheriff! Flowers for the barber! Flowers for Algernon!
We’ve seen that the NPCs of the old west have their own unique personalities and responses to stimuli, so it’s reasonable to believe that they would be much more receptive to a man who gave them flowers. Perhaps you could even calm a tense situation with a peace offering of wild feverfew? Each character could have their own unique ‘botany bar’ that tracks how many flowers they have received from you. And some of the animals, too! Not all of them, of course, because that would be silly.
Things You Can Probably Do in Red Dead Redemption 2
Make Weapons Out of Gold
Gold was of utmost importance in the old west. Customization is of utmost importance in Red Dead Redemption 2. By that logic, marrying the two is a marvelous idea, and probably legal in the southern states.
Imagine the hubbub you’ll cause when you rob a bank with a gun made of solid gold. “Surely, sir, you don’t need this money, if you’re able to afford a golden gun?” they’ll ask, trembling at the sight of your hubris. You’ll laugh a cruel, throaty laugh, before unloading a round of golden bullets into their loins.
Off you’ll ride on your golden horse, carrying your bounty to your golden camp. There you will share the spoils of your venture with your gang members. They won’t ask for much, for they are also made of gold, and that tends to stifle their ability to talk.
The only downfall of this will be when you inevitably go bankrupt, because using golden ammunition is not fiscally sustainable long-term.
Things You Can Probably Do in Red Dead Redemption 2
Go to Canada
In the first Red Dead, you could visit the fictional Mexican territory of Nuevo Paraiso, which was a neat touch that helped to shake up the scenery. With RDR2’s expansive landscape, however, it’s not unreasonable to believe that you can head in the other direction and visit the true north, strong and free.
There, you will be greeted by a Mountie (he’s handsome, he’s brave, he’s strong) and be enlisted in solving the Manitoba Schools Question. In fact, there’s approximately 300+ hours worth of gameplay to be found in Canada, and by the end, you’ve been involved with every major political development of the early 1900s. Like Forrest Gump, only without Lieutenant Dan.
…You get Commissaire Adjoint Dan instead, tu sais.
Things You Can Probably Do in Red Dead Redemption 2
Engage in Life-Altering Outfit Customization
In Red Dead Redemption 2, you will be allowed to alter your look to truly suit your needs, to the point where you can decide whether or not you want to tuck your pants into your boots. If that’s not micromanagement, I don’t know what is. Also, you should always opt for this when possible, lest you end up like Sheriff Woody and find a snake in your boot.
But surely, with all of the wardrobe selections on offer, there is an ensemble so sublime, the people will take notice. If you sink enough time, energy and care into your in-game appearance, it could lead to amazing new things. Respect among your peers. Envy from your rivals. And enough of a following to actually leave the outlaw business forever and become a world-famous tailor instead.
Complete with a sewing mini-game that later becomes its own spinoff series titled Red Thread Redemption.
Things You Can Probably Do in Red Dead Redemption 2
Ride a Camel
Deride if you must, disbeliever. Camels in the old west may sound like a rather ludicrous notion (flower picking and golden bullets were fine though), but this one is actually a very distant real possibility.
Back in the mid-19th century, camels were briefly used as pack animals in the southwestern states. Alas, the army didn’t see them as being fit for military use — how much cooler would the Civil War have been if General Custer rode in on a friggin’ camel? — and the experiment was hastily abandoned.
But surely, some of those camels remained out there, dutifully ambling across the Texan badlands in search of adventure. Everyone will know your name if you commit crimes while atop such a noble steed. Or at the very least, they’ll refer to you as “that guy who very slowly got away on a camel that was dynamically pooping the whole way.”
Things You Can Probably Do in Red Dead Redemption 2
Build a Snowman, and Tell it All of Your Secrets
Red Dead Redemption 2 will feature snowy terrain — all the more reason to believe that Canada will make an appearance — and there will doubtless be thousands of things that you can do in these frigid environments.
…Do you wanna build a snowman?
After all, it gets lonely out there in the old west (ignore those other people in the background, they’re mirages). Sometimes, the best way to make new friends is to do it literally. Once you’ve constructed your snowman, you can interact with him through the usual prompts, and soon, he will become your steadfast ally. Confide in him with all of your deepest, darkest secrets. The location of your hidden stash. The name of your crush. Whatever you so desire!
Things You Can Probably Do in Red Dead Redemption 2
Be Betrayed by the Snowman, and End Up Having to Kill it
It was the only logical conclusion.
Things You Can Probably Do in Red Dead Redemption 2
Jump Out of Closets and Go BOO
Our general assumption it that you will be able to interact with everything in this game. If there is a closet to be found, then you will be able to utilize it in a myriad of ways. Most may settle for simply storing their things in there, but we believe it’ll go a step further. A closet in Red Dead Redemption 2 could be used to gain a tactical advantage.
You may find yourself in a situation where your ammunition is running low and your back is against the wall. If there’s a closet nearby, you can leap from it and give your foes such a fright! They might drop their weapon, or die of a heart attack, or have just enjoyed the situation so much that they call it even.
But the utility of the closet is much greater than that (especially if it is a utility closet). Pressing different buttons yields different utterances beyond your standard ‘boo’. If it’s an NPC’s birthday, you might like to yell ‘surprise’ instead. They’ll be absolutely delighted, unless you inadvertently come out with guns blazing, as is illustrated in the picture above.
Things You Can Probably Do in Red Dead Redemption 2
Shoot Yourself in the Leg
In Red Dead Redemption 2, you can shoot to kill, you can shoot in non-lethal areas, and you can even fire warning shots, where the only ones at risk of injury are hapless birds flying overhead. There are so many potential ways to offload a round, it invites the potential for an embarrassing mishap.
Look, every cowboy has their off days. Sometimes you holster your weapon in just such a way that you manage an erroneous shot, and have to be rushed to hospital immediately. It doesn’t matter if your name is Cheddar Bob or Plaxico Burress, it’s bound to happen once or twice.
Actually, if you manage to do that twice, kudos to you. Maybe you should carry a popgun from here on.
Things You Can Probably Do in Red Dead Redemption 2
Attend the Funerals of Your Slain Enemies
I mean, their bodies have to go somewhere, right?
There you are, consoling the distraught widow of Johnny Sixshooter, not a soul alive aware that you were the one who did the deed. She takes comfort in your arms, and eventually, the two of you begin to date. Before either of you know it, you’re married, and she shocks you with the revelation that she’s fallen pregnant.
You father a child, but are unable to find a healthy balance between work and family life, and your marriage is falling apart. Desperate to mend your tattered relationship, you seek out a marriage counselor. When you arrive, the counselor turns out to be none other than Johnny Sixshooter himself! He spent his whole time as a zombie putting himself through night class, just so he could spring his trap.
Your reward for completing this side quest is a handsome three dollars.
Published: Sep 21, 2018 11:22 am