Pokemon training can be a lonely endeavor. Scouring the verdant plains in search of willing challengers, gym badges, or in the case of Paldea, literally anything of interest whatsoever.
It’s enough to drive one mad, mad I say! But fear not, weary travellers, for I have gone on a Pokemon journey of a different kind. I have scanned the vast catalogue of pocket monsters not for the fiercest battlers or the rarest beasts. Nay, I have instead elected to narrow down the ten most unreasonably handsome Pokemon for your enjoyment/bewilderment/abject horror.
Were I to spot them on a dating app, I would most assuredly swipe right. Best be wary, however, as I have been Whiscash’d on more than one occasion, and nothing is worse than having to go out for drinks with a deceitful fish who keeps causing earthquakes. Such a hassle!
Machoke
Likes: Working out, carb-loading, picture books.
Dislikes: Big words, meaningful conversations, birds.
I’m not too proud to admit my fascination with chiselled musculature. Machoke is the go-to for dudebros who spend all of their time in the gym and all of their money on protein shakes.
This hefty mound of meat is capable of lifting sumo wrestlers with a single finger, which is an impressive feat that coincidentally has led to me being banned from every Japanese culture festival in town. You’re bound to have a good old laugh with Machoke, especially if you’re into juvenile humor and movies with lots of explosions. Just don’t expect anything beyond that, as it claims to literally have a weakness to thinking, whatever that means.
Worse still, it’s worth noting that upon breaking up with Machoke, it will evolve into a Machamp the next time it hooks up with someone — such is the risk of trading! The only thing that’s worse than an ex of flex is one that has a pair of superfluous arms at their disposal.
Sneasler
Likes: The outdoors, solitude, caustic chemistry.
Dislikes: Large crowds, small mountains, medium McFries (it’s just bad value, really).
Of course, if you’d rather not be stuck in the sweaty confines of a gym all day, you might instead like to consider dating Sneasler. It’s a bit of a steep task; literally speaking because you’ll have to scale the tallest peaks of Hisui to even find one, but figuratively speaking because it probably thinks you’re lame. Sneasler is a bit of a miser, you see, and would rather spend its days alone than hanging out with others.
“I’ve met literal boulders with more personality than you,” it would sneer in your direction, though unless you speak fluent Pokemonese, you would really only hear various grunts of “Sneasler”. Do not offer it a tissue, it is not in fact sneezing.
Were you to somehow convince it to actually invest time in you, you’d best be prepared for a lot of rock climbing. You’ll be so fit within the week, and yet ultimately unfulfilled. It’s a loveless life with a Sneasler, so don’t even expect a romantic birthday present. It hasn’t forgotten, it simply does not care.
Rillaboom
Likes: Sick beats, jam sessions, John Bonham.
Dislikes: Paying rent, gainful employment, “the man”.
Are you seeking a deeper connection? Someone you could relate to on a spiritual level? Perchance you’d prefer to spend time with a Rillaboom, a soulful musician with whom you can boogie the night away.
It goes without saying that this grassy gorilla is into the drums — like, really really into the drums — to the point where it won’t be seen in public without them. It won’t be seen in private without them, either, so make sure there’s ample storage space in your bedroom.
Like all starving artists, however, you will always be a distant second in its heart to the passion of percussion. You know that song, “music gets the best of me, but guess who gets the rest of me?” It’s basically that, except the rest of Rillaboom is nothing but a shallow disappointment who refuses to clean up after itself.
Conkeldurr
Likes: Construction sites, constructive criticism, third construct-related thing to be determined at a later date.
Dislikes: Council red tape, vacant plots of land, those godforsaken forests.
If looks aren’t your thing and you just want someone who can take care of you, you might opt for dating a Conkeldurr. I know the title of this article literally says “handsome”, but who am I to second guess the allure of this hulking brute?
The great thing about Conkeldurr is that it is keen to share its mastery of concrete with whomsoever, and will build you a house without a second thought. Your house will only be made of concrete, making it more closely resemble a tomb, but it’s the only way most of us can afford to enter the property market.
Alas, as you sit in your concrete box, you’ll likely notice that Conkeldurr is always too busy with work to invest much time in you. You’ll cry concrete tears onto your concrete floor, miserable that you can never reach its concrete heart.
Lopunny
Likes: Hairbrushes, mirrors, PETA.
Dislikes: Dangerous situations, sudden movements, Elmer Fudd.
Ugh! I’m really struggling to bond here, so why not try a Pokemon whose existence is literally achieved through garnering sufficiently high friendship?
That’s right, once you’ve shown enough appreciation for your Buneary, they’ll evolve into a majestic Lopunny, and you’ll be the envy of the town. Nothing says elite status like strolling down Fifth Avenue arm-in-arm with a dashing Lepus plaything.
Despite its outward confidence, it is not nearly as infallible as it may seem. Behind its good looks and TikTok fame lies the panic-stricken self-doubt of the true egomaniac. It will abruptly terminate the relationship in one moment, before breaking into tears and begging for your forgiveness the next. Did you really expect commitment from someone with a pelt this luscious?
Gallade
Likes: Chivalry, honor, elbow macaroni.
Dislikes: Rogues, scoundrels, scallywags.
By now, I’ve seen the folly of my ways, only considering Pokemon partners whose self-interest is their most defining trait. Surely I’ve struck gold by now, settling down with a candidate whose protective instincts outweigh all else?
The chad Gallade is the embodiment of care, reading the thoughts of potential threats before responding with a flurry of bladed attacks. Your heart will surely be sent aflutter the moment it sprouts swords from its very flesh in a sworn effort to prevent you from ever seeing harm.
But… where does that stop, exactly? If you have an argument with your Aunt Margaret, is Gallade going to step in and shank her? Will Gallade be inclined to protect you from yourself, smothering you with its care and hounding you at every corner? Ugh, it’s so clingy! Despite appearances, it’s also a very poor cuddler, and a cheater on poker night.
Slaking
Likes: Naps, (irrelevant), (irrelevant).
Dislikes: Effort, (irrelevant), (irrelevant).
Clearly, I need space, and that’s what you’ll get in a relationship with a Slaking. Every now and then, it’ll look like it’s doing something, before deciding it wasn’t worth it and giving up halfway through.
It’s as low stakes as it comes, and if you’re feeling particularly fickle, you can abandon it at regular intervals to burn the midnight oil without it ever even noticing. By burning the midnight oil, I’m referring to murdering a Lampent in a dark alleyway. It’s my secret hobby, so please don’t judge me.
Afterwards, you can return to your Slaking and… well… stare into its vacant eyes, I guess? It’s not exactly a stimulating romance, and once all of the food is gone, you’d best believe this lug is going to crawl itself toward greener pastures.
Mr. Rime
Likes: Amusing japes, a spot of tap-dancing here and there, the local bordello.
Dislikes: Ill-fitting suits, beer served under room temperature, American football “coz you use your bloomin’ hands, innit”.
I’m looking for a little more engagement, so I’m now pursuing a relationship with a Mr. Rime. We’ll share a giggle or two as we throw judgment towards the common folk, our icy stares belying the warmth of our dispositions. I’m not sure what that means, but Mr. Rime said it would be a clever thing to say, so in it goes.
Mr. Rime is popular no matter where it goes, causing all kinds of mischief with what are scientifically described as “amusing movements”. As such, you’ll always find yourself invited to the most prestigious parties, hobnobbing with the elite and improving your social status with every waking moment.
All this is to say, Mr. Rime is a bit of a jerk. A lot of a jerk, actually. It’s basically Caledon Hockley from Titanic, but without the benefit of being Billy Zane. Can I just date Billy Zane instead? No? I guess we’ll have to keep searching, then…
Buzzwole
Likes: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Dislikes: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Maybe I don’t want all of that arrogance, and would like to just date the sexy mosquito? It’s a free country, you can’t stop me, dammit.
Much like Machoke, Buzzwole’s breathtaking physique is a sight to behold, and it will not hesitate to display it for the masses. Is it showing off? Is it threatening you? I legitimately do not know, and I am a little too terrified to ask.
In all honesty, I have very quickly come to regret this decision, as the intensity of a Buzzwole is more than I could have imagined. Have you ever been kept awake at night by the incessant buzzing of an unseen insect? Imagine that, except the insect is seven feet tall and is probably actually trying to kill you.
Probopass
Likes: Magnetism, facial hair, its army of Mini-Noses.
Dislikes: Kitchen appliances, metal detectors, leg day.
Out of all the underwhelming dates I have suffered through, this one at least shows the most promise. A relationship with a Probopass is sure to be rock solid.
This hirsute Pokemon is literally an enormous magnet, equipped with a trio of underlings known as Mini-Noses that it sends out to do its bidding. Are these its children? Or its employees? Either way, having three servants on-hand at all times is a sweet deal, making Probopass feel like a very important member of society.
You shouldn’t expect any heartfelt sonnets or particularly rousing discussions. In fact, don’t really expect anything beyond a large nose, and you won’t be disappointed. Or thrilled. Or emotionally influenced in any way, positively or negatively. Out of sheer exhaustion, it is for this reason I have chosen to finally settle.
Mom and dad, I married a Probopass — this article was just a circuitous way of announcing it. I hope you’ll forgive me someday.
Published: Jun 30, 2023 09:48 am