A Critical Over-Analysis on the New Pokemon Starters
Another generation of Pokemon approaches.
With it comes a myriad of questions, as pontificators sift through the minutia of each trailer in search of valuable nuggets of wisdom. Where will the Galar region be based upon? What kind of ancient lore could the legendary beasts dip into? Which Pokemon will look sexiest in my fanart? (Protip: it’s either Gardevoir or Lopunny)
Most importantly, however, is the age-old riddle: which of the three starters will I take with me on this wonderful journey?
It’s a tricky bit of business, to be sure, because other than their designs and some cursory clues, you really don’t know much about the starters until much closer to the release date. Just look back at the last generation, where the cuddly Litten evolved into a sinister wrestling man-cat, Popplio showed us that moisture is the essence of wetness, and Rowlet took on a new identity as, effectively, a dead bird.
If you saw any of those coming, please tell me next week’s lottery numbers, and some spoilers for Uma Musume Pretty Derby. No judgment. Just spoilers.
Regardless, people will do their best to try and break down who these fanciful new friends are, so the team at Twinfinite decided we’d throw our hat into the ring, and offer our insight. Much like that hat — it’s a fedora! — our opinions are bold, idiosyncratic, and almost entirely facetious.
If you need a little nudge in the right direction, make sure to take our quiz on how to choose the best Pokemon Sword/Shield starter! It’s nearly as sensual as a Gardevoir, and twice as wholesome.
Grookey aka. The One Nobody Actually Cares About
It seems apparent that the marketing team behind Grass-type Pokemon has been attempting a wide scale rebranding, bucking the established trend of virtuous stalwarts in favor of a cheeky, irreverent antihero.
Hence, we end up with Grookey, who evokes memories of Chimchar, albeit not on fire. Unless you particularly dislike your Grookey.
One of the first things you’ll notice about this cuddly primate is that it’s stupendously thick (#ILikeThiccGrass, let’s make it a thing), suggesting that it will possess better defense than its contemporaries.
It also has a stick, and this is significant — sticknificant, if you will — because it is apparently capable of restoring wounded foliage by merely banging on a rock.
Such ambitious claims make it sound like a modern-day Rasputin, but it will no doubt give it clerical lasting power reminiscent of its leech-seeding, synthesizing predecessors.
Beyond claiming it’s slick in the interest of completing the rhyme, we look ahead at what kind of evolution we can expect.
There have been all kinds of marvelous monkeys in Pokemon history to refer to, but you may have noticed, a distinct lack of gorillas.
Should we end up going down this path, one could expect a potential Groorilla to be wielding an enormous wooden mallet that it uses to cripple its foes and complete its household DIY projects.
This makes it an obvious candidate for Wood Hammer, and most likely to be named Harambe en masse.
A Critical Over-Analysis on the New Pokemon Starters
Scorbunny aka. Every Furry’s Dirty Little Secret
Let’s address something off the top: the name Scorbunny sucks. It’s Talonflame-levels of uninspired when the much more accessible “Burny” was sitting right in front of their noses. Should one of its evolutions take on that moniker, we will gladly accept royalty checks from Game Freak.
Scorbunny’s MO is that it runs really fast and leaves a trail of flames behind it, making it the Pokemon equivalent to Sonic the Hedgehog. No prizes for guessing that this will be the speedster of the trio, and in keeping with Fire traditions, it will probably be a glass cannon.
In the anime, its voice will be three octaves higher than what is culturally acceptable.
We will arbitrarily assign Flame Charge to its moveset, lifting its expedience to unfathomable levels. Don’t expect for its hidden ability to be Speed Boost, however, as Torchic has already claimed that gimmick.
Due to its fiery feet, Flame Body is a potential filler, or more likely, an entirely new hidden ability that we had absolutely no hope of predicting accurately. Let’s be vague to cover all of our bases, and say that it involves… fire?
As far as evolutionary paths go, it’s a little murky. Conventional wisdom would suggest that it will morph into a rabbit that is faster, scorchier and bunnier, however, anyone who has ever banked on cute Fire starters staying cute has been burned before, if you’ll pardon the pun.
See: Fennekin. See: Litten. See: My Vest (which is what I nicknamed my Tepig, obviously).
For this reason, it’s equally as likely that Scorbunny’s final form will be a massive, hulking brute in the same vein as Diggersby, whose appearance is not dissimilar to a construction worker from Detroit.
A Critical Over-Analysis on the New Pokemon Starters
Sobble aka. New-Age Emo Monster
No, it’s not Mudkip. Stop suggesting it’s Mudkip. It’s better, because it’s sad.
In that Myers Briggs personality test that everyone seems obsessed with on Tinder, Sobble would either be INTJ (strategic thinker), INFJ (quiet idealist) or BDSM (chains and whips).
Its niche will likely be in the Special statistic, dishing out all kinds of magical damage before fleeing to the sidelines like the craven coward it is.
From the trailer, we’ve seen that it is capable of blending into its watery surroundings, suggesting that it’s almost certain to learn the rarely-seen Acid Armor technique — Acid Amor, according to autocorrect, which I hope is the long-awaited follow-up to Tim Curry’s ‘Toxic Love’.
From its name and its general demeanor, it can be inferred that Sobble is not going to be the life of the party, sulking in the corner with an apple juice while Grookey is doing a keg stand and Scorbunny is high on MDMA.
Thus, its final evolution will probably be very morose, googly-eyed, and have a dreadful Speed stat. We’d like to dub it ‘Tearzard,’ but that sounds far too much like an ’80s indie rock outfit for our taste.
Its Pokedex entry could perhaps make some kind of reference to its tears, and how it unintentionally kills entire lakes worth of animal life, due to turning the whole body of water salty.
It’s sad because it kills, and it kills because it’s sad. And for some reason, you people freaking love it.
With that, we sit and wait for the next update, eagerly anticipating the revelation that all of our predictions were wrong, and that Grookey is, in actual fact, a Portuguese kleptomaniac whose sole ambition in life is to steal one sock from every pair in existence.
“Obrigado,” he sneers, slinking away into the night.
Updated: Mar 5, 2019 11:49 am