5 New Year’s Resolutions for Nathan Drake (That He Won’t Ever Keep)

Resolution 1: Stop Lying to Your Wife

This article contains plot spoilers for the Uncharted series, including A Thief’s End. 

This one is at the top of the list because, for as much of a well told story that Uncharted 4 has, there’s no denying that Nathan Drake was a huge jerk to his wife Elena. Having some trouble adjusting to the domestic life? That’s fine, most of us have been there. But everything else after that? It’s hard to deny that he probably could’ve avoided many problems if he just straight up told Elena what was going on.

Sure, you can make the argument that he was trying to protect her or didn’t want to drudge up uncomfortable memories. But one thing that’s also worth considering is that both of these two are just straight up drawn to crazy, f-ed up situations. They literally met in part thanks to a gunfight, and there have been plenty of times in the franchise where she could have left him after realizing that he’s a magnet for bullets and explosions.

It’s an old saying that women are attracted to bad boys, but Drake’s not just a Bad Boy. He’s a walking health hazard from top to bottom to nearly everyone who crosses his path, but none more so than her. The man’s cost her multiple cameras, a cameraman, and no doubt several trips to the hospital (don’t forget the part where she nearly got blown up with a grenade), but she’s still been there for him. Seriously, man, look at how much shit from you she’s willing to put up with, you dingleberry.

Resolution 2: Stop Breaking Shit

This is equal parts Nathan Drake’s fault and equal parts Naughty Dog’s fault, to be fair. But given that Uncharted is basically Indiana Jones: The Game(s), one would think that Mr. Drake shares the same sensibility as Professor Jones and would not want to leave so much chaos in his path. He’s got the history knowledge and personal experience fit for a teacher or archaeologist (pending some background checks).

But alas, no. Over the course of Uncharted’s sequels, Drake gets a village blown up, sinks a cruise ship, breaks into a museum, and causes a clocktower to collapse. Even worse, his presence leads to multiple firefights and explosions in Madagascar, and in the ultimate dick move, he and his brother Sam look at the chaos and destruction they cause, then laugh and drive off into the sunset. One understands that time is of the essence, but maybe we could scale back the ruin in the new year.

Resolution 3: Reveal All Your Secrets

Let’s not even play around with this — Nate absolutely has another secret that he’s keeping from Elena about his past. That’s not just a law of Nathan Drake’s character, it’s also part of Uncharted’s internal logic. Whether it’s about someone else that he totally pissed off or left for dead, or that guy he borrowed $20 from and never paid back, there’s likely some deep and dark plot point that he’s withholding from his family that’ll inevitably come back to bite him in the ass.

The smart thing for him to do would be to sit his family and best friends down and hash things out over a couple of hours, just to avoid any surprises. But Drake won’t do that. No, he’ll likely be cryptically stingy on details until he recovers from a near death situation. And then he’ll be surprised when people are upset with him. So just do it, Nate. Tell them anything that may be relevant to who you are as a character. 

Resolution 4: Get Better at Crash

To be fair to Drake, this one isn’t entirely his fault. As Uncharted 3 and 4 showed us, he clearly didn’t grow up in an environment where video games were a priority, and that’s fine. All that being said, he’s also really, really bad at Crash Bandicoot. Even people who don’t play modern games have played at least a Mario once or twice and were able to get the hang of it fairly quickly. Nate’s just straight up bad at it.

Fortunately, Nate, there’s a Crash remaster coming in a matter of months for you to play and catch up on what you’ve missed. You may even find that the two of you have something in common! Just don’t suck at breaking the boxes, because it’ll get painful. Like, straight up painful for Crash. 

Resolution 5: Have a Good Life

This is one New Year’s resolution we really hope that he doesn’t break. By now, with a daughter, Drake’s older than he was when he first appeared in the original Uncharted. He may still have the moves, but the time’s come when you have to hang up the jeans and just sit back and enjoy your days as a dad. 

It’s gonna be boring, sure. But given that Nathan Drake has dealt with cursed monsters, war criminals, treasure hunters, and the forces of Mother Nature over the course of the last decade, boring is something that he could do with right now. It probably won’t be too long before Cassie decides to follow in her dad’s footsteps, but until then, just enjoy your time with your wife.