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A Critical & Super Serious Over-Analysis of the New Pokemon Starters

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A Critical & Super Serious Over-Analysis of the New Pokemon Starters

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A Critical Over-Analysis on the New Pokemon Starters

Another generation of Pokemon approaches.

With it comes a myriad of questions, as pontificators sift through the minutia of each trailer in search of valuable nuggets of wisdom. Where will the Galar region be based upon? What kind of ancient lore could the legendary beasts dip into? Which Pokemon will look sexiest in my fanart? (Protip: it’s either Gardevoir or Lopunny)

Most importantly, however, is the age-old riddle: which of the three starters will I take with me on this wonderful journey?

It’s a tricky bit of business, to be sure, because other than their designs and some cursory clues, you really don’t know much about the starters until much closer to the release date. Just look back at the last generation, where the cuddly Litten evolved into a sinister wrestling man-cat, Popplio showed us that moisture is the essence of wetness, and Rowlet took on a new identity as, effectively, a dead bird.

If you saw any of those coming, please tell me next week’s lottery numbers, and some spoilers for Uma Musume Pretty Derby. No judgment. Just spoilers.

Regardless, people will do their best to try and break down who these fanciful new friends are, so the team at Twinfinite decided we’d throw our hat into the ring, and offer our insight. Much like that hat — it’s a fedora! — our opinions are bold, idiosyncratic, and almost entirely facetious.

If you need a little nudge in the right direction, make sure to take our quiz on how to choose the best Pokemon Sword/Shield starter! It’s nearly as sensual as a Gardevoir, and twice as wholesome.

Grookey aka. The One Nobody Actually Cares About

grookey

It seems apparent that the marketing team behind Grass-type Pokemon has been attempting a wide scale rebranding, bucking the established trend of virtuous stalwarts in favor of a cheeky, irreverent antihero.

Hence, we end up with Grookey, who evokes memories of Chimchar, albeit not on fire. Unless you particularly dislike your Grookey.

One of the first things you’ll notice about this cuddly primate is that it’s stupendously thick (#ILikeThiccGrass, let’s make it a thing), suggesting that it will possess better defense than its contemporaries.

It also has a stick, and this is significant — sticknificant, if you will — because it is apparently capable of restoring wounded foliage by merely banging on a rock.

Such ambitious claims make it sound like a modern-day Rasputin, but it will no doubt give it clerical lasting power reminiscent of its leech-seeding, synthesizing predecessors.

Beyond claiming it’s slick in the interest of completing the rhyme, we look ahead at what kind of evolution we can expect.

There have been all kinds of marvelous monkeys in Pokemon history to refer to, but you may have noticed, a distinct lack of gorillas.

Should we end up going down this path, one could expect a potential Groorilla to be wielding an enormous wooden mallet that it uses to cripple its foes and complete its household DIY projects.

This makes it an obvious candidate for Wood Hammer, and most likely to be named Harambe en masse.

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