Video game villains are often portrayed as conniving, brilliant and ruthless megalomaniacs with the ambition and power to subjugate the entire planet. Which is all well and good from a narrative standpoint, but when you take a step back and look at their actual business practices, more than a few cracks begin to form.
As an avid enthusiast of enterprise and just kind of an asshole in general, I took it upon myself to thumb through a few portfolios and offer advice on how some of gaming’s biggest baddies could better employ their devious strategies.
Changes Video Game Villains Could Make
Dr. Ivo Robotnik: Hide the Rings
For reasons that I’ve never understood (and I’m too far into this sentence to bother Googling it now), Sonic the Hedgehog’s very livelihood depends on the acquisition of golden power rings.
Much like a clingy significant other, without receiving at least one ring every so often, the blue blur will absolutely lose his mind, and worst case scenario, his life.
Fortunately for him, rings appear to be scattered around in abundance, literally suspended in midair to be snagged with ease. As long as he’s got them stored safely within his shoes or wherever else he sticks them, he can fling himself headlong into the fray, unafraid of the dangers posed by a mass mechanical army.
Indeed, in later years, Sonic’s fondness for rings grew so much that he mastered the ability of the light dash, allowing him to use them as a means of travel. That’s some serious dedication right there; he uses jewelry to move at the speed of light. Breakfast at Tiffany’s? More like Gofast at Tiffany’s.
I know the editors will want to remove that joke, but I really hope they don’t. Editor’s Note: I’ll allow it.
So to you, Dr. Ivo Robotnik — Eggman on your kinkier days — I pose a simple and obvious solution: just hide the rings, literally anywhere.
Robotnik has constructed all kinds of deadly war machines capable of incredible destruction, so you can’t tell me he’s incapable of building a robot that finds rings and puts them somewhere sneaky, like a sinister Easter bunny.
Even if he just does it himself, he need only walk over to the nearest bottomless pit and chuck them in. Job well done, watch as your hedgehog foe is impaled upon the first spike pit he misjudges.
Consultation fee: $1,000,000 Mobius bucks, and a shower with ducky.