At first glance, Mario Tennis Aces may appear to show a treasured tradition that galvanizes denizens across the Mushroom Kingdom. A tournament that emphasizes inclusiveness, to the point of allowing competitors without any hands or feet, and a propensity to bite everyone. A chance for unlikely underdogs to claim glory unforetold – do you remember where you were the day a random Blooper emerged from the Star Cup tournament victorious?
But if you dig a little deeper, the thin veneer of gold gives way to a sinister, rotten core below. It is not all peaches and daisies, and with the latest entry in the series, all of the poor sportsmanship has come to a head. It’s time to expose the corruption on the court, and find out who is really clutching all of those precious gold coins at the end of the day.
You might think that anyone can be a champion. But your opportunity may be in another castle.
It’s Named After One of the Competitors
This has always stuck in my craw, and it’s only getting worse with each new entry. Though Mario claims to be a humble man of simple means, he is still inexplicably able to bankroll an annual tennis tournament, as well as a golf tour, a go-kart empire, and his crown jewel; a license to Picross.
And he has seen fit to stamp his brand all over the place, even having the audacity to label each ball with ‘Mario Tennis Aces.’ Surely it’s no coincidence that each opening cinematic in the series revolves around the long-awaited finals, and Mario is always one of the participants. Does it not seem odd that this diminutive, rotund man is able to outperform opponents twice his size, one of whom is literally a gorilla with a tennis racket?
If all was fair here, why isn’t it called Yoshi Tennis? Or Rosalina Tennis? Or Waluigi Tennis? Nobody would play a game called Waluigi Tennis, obviously, but it’s worth consideration.
Smashing Rackets is Considered an Acceptable Tactic
One of the new features in Mario Tennis Aces is racket durability. If you poorly time returns on special shots, it will take damage, and eventually shatter in your hand like something from the Kmart discount bin.
Though this shows a concerning decline in the quality of Mushroom Kingdom equipment, the bigger issue is the fact that competitors are encouraged to exploit this, sending deadly volleys directly towards their opponent.
Imagine if Milos Raonic tried this? He leaps into the air, bouncing off invisible walls to gain more height, does a mid-air flip that should theoretically decrease his momentum but instead somehow maximizes his power, and launches a shot right into the face of Gael Monfils.
‘Sacre bleu!’ Monfils would cry, ‘Je ne comprends pas!’
He would say this because that is all of the French I know, other than ordering a coffee. I don’t think he would order a coffee at that moment. But the point is, it would be absolutely bizarre to witness, especially when Monfils has exhausted his full supply of rackets, and is obligated to forfeit. How would ESPN cover that debacle, I wonder?
Lack of Regulation Courts
Tell me when you notice something awry here: in Mario Tennis Aces, you can play on a hard court, a grass court, a clay court, or a pirate ship. A court on a pirate ship? How does that work? Well, it’s much the same as any of the other courts, but if your ball ricochets off the mast in the middle of the court, it’s considered a point for the other player. Punishment for poor ergonomics – what a travesty that is!
In the Adventure Mode, this is simply par for the course, as Mario journeys across the land (a place where all of life’s issues are conveniently solved with tennis) and faces off against opponents in decidedly one-sided contests.
Eventually, he enters a haunted mansion, and challenges Boo on his spooky home turf, where a pair of mirrors swirl maliciously over the net. Should Boo hit a shot into one of these mirrors, it will be spewed out of the other one, sending Mario reeling. If Mario attempts this himself, it will teleport across, but still somehow comes right back at him like a boomerang.
Not only is this blatantly unfair, but it’s also an existential nightmare that would leave Jack Kerouac in tears. It’s worth noting, however, that all of these opponents still end up using Mario Tennis Aces branded balls, so it’s not all bad for the enterprising plumber.
Poor Tournament Seeding
Typically, your average open will have the following events: men’s singles, men’s doubles, women’s singles, women’s doubles, and mixed doubles. In Mario Tennis Aces, Peach may find herself in a bracket with Diddy Kong, Toad and Bowser. Congratulations on qualifying for the Mushroom Cup, young lady! Hopefully, your training has prepared you for the possibility that you may someday have to defeat a monkey, a sentient fungus and a fire-breathing turtle of death. It sounds more like a hallucination dreamt up in Trainspotting than a legitimate tennis tournament.
To further complicate matters, some of the players have identities so ambiguous, you can only respond with a bemused shrug. Does a Spike have a gender? Does a Chain Chomp? Does a Luigi? Nobody can say for sure, and it sends Vegas into an absolute frenzy. The betting sheets are a frenetic crapshoot where the only certainties are that rules are going to be broken, and Mario is going to be one of the finalists. As a result, his payout is actually -3% of your initial bet. Safe odds, but not exactly a lucrative result.
The Players Lack Integrity
It’s every aspiring athlete’s dream to someday make it to Wimbledon, the pinnacle of tennis distinction. Players there are expected to adhere to a strict dress code of all-white, a striking visual that evokes hundreds of years of tradition. In Mario Tennis Aces, acceptable attire includes overalls, an open vest with no shirt underneath, or just straight up naked – Koopa Troopa strides onto the court wearing nothing but his tennis shoes and a smile. He’s a worse role model than Nick Kyrgios, and that’s saying something.
Furthermore, it seems apparent that some of the entrants shouldn’t be allowed to participate. Everyone always enjoys the bumbling antics of Wario, Waluigi and Bowser, but did we forget about the time when they blew up half of an entire stadium (the lore is real)? Or multiple accounts of theft and kidnapping? Or the fact that Waluigi is Waluigi and nobody likes Waluigi?
The most likely scenario is that qualification is awarded on a pay to play basis, where only the wealthiest and most affluent are considered. Between all of his plundering and microgames, Wario’s net worth is estimated in the billions, while nearly half of the players are literal royalty of their respective nations. It’s unclear how the minions managed to afford the stipend, but it’s surely just as shady. Rumor has it that Blooper is a drug lord. It would certainly explain a lot.
With all this being said, our proposal is a full-scale investigation that will send this corrupt house of cards collapsing to the floor. If you would like to know more, please sign up for the Anti-Mario Corruption Newsletter, or contact your local member of Congress and express your concern directly. We can do this, but we have to do it together. Make a difference, and help bring integrity back to the Mushroom Kingdom – let’s turn Mario Tennis Disgraces into Everyone’s Tennis Aces (title pending).
Published: Jun 25, 2018 02:17 pm