Cowabunga, booyakasha, and St Peter’s nipples!
These are just a few of the phrases closely associated with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and any of them can most appropriately be bellowed at the top of your lungs in 2021, with the retro-styled beat-em-up Shredder’s Revenge now on the horizon.
In keeping with the franchise’s penchant for alliteration, it promises some Foot flingin’ fun, and we cannot wait to get our hands dirty and just a little bit green. Some say that’s the leprosy talking, but if all but three of our fingers fall off, we’ll look even more authentic. Bonus!
Long since Eastman and Laird first doodled a quartet of incognito tortoises one fateful night in the mid-80s, fans have been at each other’s throats over who to declare the raddest reptile of them all. If one were to skew milquetoast, you could surmise that all of them are equally as fantastic, and frankly, their vibrant personalities are exactly what has kept this franchise so popular for decades.
Alack, alack… That’s not how rankings work, and so, a subset of the fandom will walk away disappointed, like so many of my ill-fated Tinder dates. If you disagree with this list, feel free to sound off with all fury in the comments. Your vitriol feeds Leatherhead’s soul, I guar-an-tee!
Ninja Turtles Ranked
Oh, you thought we’d start with the familiar faces, did you? Of course not, you silly sausage. I had to inflate the word count through much more nefarious means.
Kirby, iffin you’re unfamiliar, was the additional Turtle who never got past the planning stage of a tentative fourth live action film back in the 90s. Brandishing excess fingers and toes (what a freak), he suitably sticks out like a sore thumb from the concept art alone.
Named after famed comic book artist Jack Kirby, this turtle rocked bandana a white bandana and his weapon of choice was a set of knives. None of those are in line with the established branding, and it resembles the smelly kid nobody wanted to invite to the Ninja Turtles party, who was unaware of the theme and starts to cry.
Kirby’s mom then marches to the kitchen, pulls out a pair of carving knives, instructs that he is the fifth Turtle and the most special one, before demanding that the other kids play with him immediately. It ends in terrifying, heartbreaking fashion, and one unfortunate Bebop cosplayer loses an eye.
Turtle power, indeed. Put the knives down, Kirb!
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