The UK is a bit of a shambles right now. Brexit has become an all-consuming and incredibly divisive issue, grinding progress on just about everything to a halt. The nation’s divided on most issues and everything’s a bit of a mess.
But hey, Thursday is General Election day, we’ll all go and vote, and one way or another, the House of Commons will be filled once again and sessions will likely commence again next week. So, to celebrate this most divisive and depressing General Election, I thought –screw it– let’s give UK politicians the Pokemon treatment.
Most are based on one of the Pokemon’s Pokedex entries and how they match up to the policies, principles, personalities, or recent news surrounding these political figures.
Now, a quick disclaimer: Yes, there is some political bias in here. I’ve sourced things as best as I can, and tried to take a dig at everyone and have a bit of fun. It is what it is, but feel free to leave your politician and Pokemon pairings in the comments!
Boris Johnson – Alolan Dugtrio
“Its metallic whiskers are heavy, so it’s not very fast, but it has the power to dig through bedrock.” – Pokedex
Conservative Leader and current Prime Minister Boris Johnson has caused quite the stir this General Election campaigning season.
From refusing to be interviewed by the BBC’s Andrew Neil — despite this being commonplace for decades and all other party leaders obliging — putting a journalist’s phone in his pocket to avoid answering a question about a 4-year-old with Pneumonia sleeping on a hospital floor, claiming 40 new hospitals would be built despite it actually being funding for six refurbishments, refusing to reveal the findings of the Russia report prior to the General Election… the list goes on.
Despite all of this, Johnson’s election promise is clear; that only he and the Conservative Party can get the country out of this Brexit deadlock. With no other party having been able to take a stab at negotiations with the EU, that seems a bit obvious, but it’s a vote winner regardless.
Boris Johnson may be a bit of a waffling buffoon when put under pressure on just about anything (listen to him talk about how much he enjoys making model buses and you’ll see what I mean), much like the slow Alolan Dugtrio, weighed down in battle by its heavy metal whiskers.
On an aside, we also find it baffling how Alolan Dugtrio can manage to have better-looking hair than a real-life, upper-class politician.
What Johnson lacks for in finesse, he makes up for in his ability to dig his way out of conflict. He can waffle to no-end, and ducks out of battles he knows he can’t win. He intends to use these abilities to “Get Brexit Done.”
Spoilers: He definitely cannot get Brexit done. We’re also pretty sure the other two of this trio are Dominic Cummings and Donald Trump, whispering sweet, nonsensical Brexit rhetoric into his ear. “Get Brexit done…” say the voices coming from the trio of holes before you.
Jeremy Corbyn – Tyrantrum
“Complete restoration is impossible, allowing room for theories that its entire body was once covered in a feather-like coat.” – Pokedex
Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn is a love-him-or-hate-him figure. Some see him as the bastion of hope, rebalancing inequality in the UK, ending austerity, and offering a reasonable solution to the never-ending Brexit ordeal.
Those on the right see him as a vehement communist intent on bringing the country to its knees or something insane. Dude just wants to protect the NHS and not send our country into years of economic ruin… but anyway.
Unfortunately, much like the devastatingly-powerful Tyrantrum, complete restoration of Corbyn’s reputation seems impossible.
Claims of anti-Semitism within the Labour Party, his lackluster handling of the Brexit process over the last three years as leader of the opposition, and the fact he doesn’t watch the Queen’s Speech on Christmas Day (how dare he!), has led to many snubbing the idea of Corbyn as Prime Minister.
Corbyn and Tyrantrum go hand-in-hand. Not only do they both favor the color red, but they’re both symbols of older times. Tyrantrum, as we know from its Pokedex is essentially a 100 million-year-old reincarnation of a once domineering force.
Corbyn is a step to the left in the Labour Party, representing less moderate policies and whose current manifesto harks back to that of the 1945 Labour Government that eventually reformed domestic policy and introduced the NHS. An iconic relic of past politics, but one that in the current political climate seems impossible to restore, much like poor Tyrantrum.
They’re also both rather fond of the color red, too.
The Conservative Party also consistently claimed he was a chicken for not calling a Vote of No Confidence in Boris Johnson’s government sooner, which, I guess goes with the whole ‘feather-like coat,’ too.
Jo Swinson – Eevee
“Eevee, the Evolution Pokémon. Eevee is a unique Pokémon that can adapt to its environment by changing its form and abilities when evolving.” – Pokedex
Liberal Democrats leader Jo Swinson has campaigned this General Election as the “Remain” party. The party you vote for if you don’t want Brexit to happen.
Alas, ignoring the 2015 Referendum result and revoking Article 50 without another referendum hasn’t sat well with voters, with many claiming to do so would be to act undemocratically.
Much like Eevee and Liberal Democrat leaders before her (we’re looking at you Nick Cleggy Wegg), Swinson adapted to the ever-changing political environment and assumed what she deemed to be the most popular form.
Sadly, she evolved into Vaporeon. Nobody likes Vaporeon, and nobody trusts Eevee anymore. How can you trust something that can evolve into like eight different species?!
Nigel Farage – Mr. Rime
“Its amusing movements make it very popular. It releases its psychic power from the pattern on its belly.” – Pokedex
Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage has been a politician since 1999, despite claiming he’s “not really a politician” and consistently loses debates because in his own words “I’m not politically correct enough.”
In other words, Mr. Farage has some very questionable views on immigration, and is a staunch supporter of an independent Britain not yet fulfilled by any Brexit deal.
Despite many thinking he was gone for good following the 2015 EU Referendum, Farage has returned recently to lead the Brexit Party. He still looks no closer to being an electable Prime Minister.
In that sense, Farage is much like Mr. Rime. Its amusing (read: controversial) movements grant it a surge in popularity, but it’ll always be the funny, laughable clown in the corner who isn’t really a threat.
Editor’s Note: Sadly, we also found nothing to suggest Farage has a patterned belly that releases psychic powers… yet.
Caroline Lucas – Bellossom
“Bellossom gather at times and appear to dance. They say that the dance is a ritual to summon the sun.” – Pokedex
Leader of the Green Party Caroline Lucas may not have the slightest chance of forming a majority government at this General Election, but she knows this.
She’s less about the battle and more about enjoying and protecting the world. Because of that, it’s incredibly hard to dislike her. Much like Bellossom’s cheery-ass face.
Her campaign appeals to fellow Bellossom (read: environmentalists) to help protect the Earth with her Green-centric policies. In the end, though, Lucas would be happy enough to just see opposition parties take and implement her policies, as she’s said a number of times during this campaign season.
Much like a Bellossom, she just wants to dance in the sun without catching fire. Is that too much for a politician to ask?
Jacob Rees-Mogg – Galarian Weezing
“Long ago, during a time when droves of factories fouled the air with pollution, Weezing changed into this form for some reason.” – Pokedex
Here he is, Boris Johnson’s pet walking Victorian portrait/ haunted pencil/ last decrepit shrine of a darker time.
Rees-Mogg isn’t the most popular UK politician right now after as he has claimed Grenfell fire victims “lacked common sense,” has strongly campaigned for a “no-deal Brexit” for his own personal gain, showed a lack of respect for the House of Commons, and… is just generally an all-round bellend.
Rees-Mogg can often be seen and heard spouting pretentious nonsense. His presence in the House of Commons is just as confusing as Galarian Weezing’s in the region.
John Bercow – Sirfetch’d
“After deflecting attacks with its hard leaf shield, it strikes back with its sharp leek stalk.” – Pokedex
While the honorable John Bercow will no longer be a part of the House of Commons following this General Election, it still felt necessary to give him a shout-out here.
During this whole Brexit affair, Bercow has continuously stood up for the good of democracy as Speaker of the Commons, talking down both those on the Government and Opposition sides.
“Only Farfetch’d that have survived many battles can attain this evolution. When this Pokemon’s leek withers, it will retire from combat.”
Much like Sirfetch’d, only a few MPs are given the privilege of being elected Speaker of the Commons. Alas, also much like the withering leek of a Sirfetch’d, Bercow’s resignation indicates his retirement from the combat of politics.
Chuka Umunna – Ditto
“It transforms into whatever it sees. If the thing it’s transforming into isn’t right in front of it, Ditto relies on its memory—so sometimes it fails.” – Pokedex
Chuka Umunna, the Labour… no… Indepeden-… no… Change U-…. no… Lib Dem MP can seemingly change his form at will.
It’s rumored that if you turn your back and say “Lower corporation tax rates,” he’ll appear behind you donning a blue tie and a Conservative rosette, desperate to clinch your vote.