Changes Video Game Villains Could Make
Ganondorf: Stop Playing Volleyball
By and large, Ganondorf’s master plan in Ocarina of Time is pretty solid. Obtain the Triforce of Power, hunt down the princess, be very tall and have an excellent tan, there’s a lot to like here.
He even succeeds for a time, plunging Hyrule into perpetual darkness until he falls victim to an invasion courtesy of a shiny rainbow bridge. The downfall of at least 20 aspiring supervillains.
When confronted by Link, you can see that Ganondorf remains calm under pressure. The dude even continues to play the organ while he engages his foe in witty banter, so if you never push the A button he could theoretically be banging that tune out for all eternity.
Then, the two face off, and Link is unable to penetrate the Gerudo prince’s iron defense. All is going well, up until Ganondorf recalls that he’s some kind of wizard, and flings a ball of light directly at Link’s face.
As the latter is wielding the Master Sword — the blade that seals darkness — it makes perfect sense that Link is also capable of thumping light, too, and they rally it back and forth in an intense game of volleyball.
It actually more closely resembles tennis, but volleyball is much more fun to say.
After a few whacks, Ganondorf botches the return and eats a face full of pure energy, weakening him and allowing Link to close the gap so he can give him the business. Ganondorf recovers, and the fight continues.
Does he learn from this slip-up? Does he say to himself, ‘ouch that felt displeasing, best shelve that one for the time being’? No, of course he doesn’t. In his arrogance, he goes back to that well a few more times, until he’s finally bested and destroys his entire castle in the ultimate hissy fit.
A quick revision to this would be, theoretically, instead of attempting this risky albeit crowd-pleasing move, Ganondorf simply fly over to Link and kick him really, really hard. In the stomach. In the gonads. In the three polygons that make up his nose, it doesn’t particularly matter. Lay in enough boots, and eventually, evil will triumph.
A Nike endorsement might even be in the works for our boy G-Dorf, as long as he avoids the PG 2.5’s, which are more hazardous to his health than the ball of light.
Consultation fee: 200 Rupees, at least until I can acquire the Giant’s Wallet.
