How to Make a Successful AAA Game in 2014

Have you ever wanted to make a video game, but you don’t want the douchiness and lack of disposable income that comes with being an indie developer? Why not make the jump to being a AAA developer? You get to be owned by a publisher, meet crazy deadlines, receive death threats, and have the risk of a lack of job security that’s almost as safe as playing Russian Roulette with your reflection! But wait! You’re not sure where to start in your new venture of becoming AAA? Well, here are some handy tips!

Combine Elements from Other Games

There’s nothing original these days, let’s face it. Some of the best games this year are just merges of other games or properties. Tomb Raider is influenced by Uncharted, Shadow of Mordor is basically Assassin’s Creed: Arkham of the Rings, and Destiny may as well be called World of Halo: Mass Borderlands. Why not join the ranks?

Have a Dude

Dudes rule the world, man. If you wanna make the big bucks, you gotta have a game with a guy. Preferably a guy with five o’clock shadow and short, dark hair. Women are hard to animate, so to truly harness the power of next-gen consoles, you gotta dude it up! Only testosterone, your grit, and some rare quips can save the world!

Photo-realistic Graphics

Gamers these days are all about them graphics. They won’t even look at your title unless it’s in 1080p and running on Unreal 4 on their super ultra HDTV that they took out another loan for. Tell your animation team to get a mocap room, grab the voice actors, and put those balls on their face. And then actually get started on setting up the motion capture HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Epic, Bombastic Score

Do you miss the days when music in games was just created by someone stepping on T-Pain’s throat repeatedly? Have you longed for games that weren’t accompanied by haunting guitar chords, Gregorian monks, or percussion that may as well be playing right next to you for how loud it is? Were you ever listening to a track from a recent game and thinking, “Is this for a movie, or a game”? Well then, you have no place in developing a AAA game!

Can You Say Micropayments?

Every game these days has in-game currency to buy their weapons and gear, but have you ever thought, “I really want this map, but I also want to make myself more broke than Assassin’s Creed Unity“? Well, say hello to microtransactions! Pay real life money to get an in-game map and drain your bank account! And to make it in AAA, you’re required to have optional micropayments or end up working on movie tie-in games for the 3DS.

Drinks and Doritos

Doritos and Mountain Dew go along with video games like murder does with Adam Sandler and his acting talent. For your game to reach the broadest market, you’ll need to make some deals with some corporations. That’s right, you’re gonna have to ally yourself with the likes of Doritos and Mountain Dew. They’ll come with special codes for in-game skins for your product, and you’ll get all the sales and the hype. Sure, combining Doritos and Mountain Dew will kill the consumer faster than a 5-hour marathon of Big Bang Theory, but by then you’ll have your 100 million sales locked down.

Skip Nintendo

Let’s face it, if you wanna get anywhere in this world of AAA, you gotta make some sacrifices. And one them is gonna have to be Nintendo. Yeah, they shaped your gaming childhood and nostalgia and shit, but nostalgia doesn’t pay the bills. Okay well it does, but in this case, you need to distance yourself from Nintendo and nostalgia as quickly as possible. You can tell yourself and the press that you’ll consider porting it to WiiU later, but let’s be real, you’re a liar and you don’t even care.

Cliffhanger Ending 

Be honest, one and done games in AAA are either done intentionally or more than likely they didn’t sell well enough, like Beyond Good and Evil. If you want to ensure your studio will be able to pay the bills at the end of the month, your game is going to have a cliffhanger ending. Something to tease a sequel is needed, just the smallest tease. It sounds iffy, but in reality, it’s best to end your game without resolving anythi–

Troy Baker

‘Nuff said. I mean, come on. He’s Troy Effing Baker.