A Critical Over-Analysis on the New Pokemon Starters
Sobble aka. New-Age Emo Monster
No, it’s not Mudkip. Stop suggesting it’s Mudkip. It’s better, because it’s sad.
In that Myers Briggs personality test that everyone seems obsessed with on Tinder, Sobble would either be INTJ (strategic thinker), INFJ (quiet idealist) or BDSM (chains and whips).
Its niche will likely be in the Special statistic, dishing out all kinds of magical damage before fleeing to the sidelines like the craven coward it is.
From the trailer, we’ve seen that it is capable of blending into its watery surroundings, suggesting that it’s almost certain to learn the rarely-seen Acid Armor technique — Acid Amor, according to autocorrect, which I hope is the long-awaited follow-up to Tim Curry’s ‘Toxic Love’.
From its name and its general demeanor, it can be inferred that Sobble is not going to be the life of the party, sulking in the corner with an apple juice while Grookey is doing a keg stand and Scorbunny is high on MDMA.
Thus, its final evolution will probably be very morose, googly-eyed, and have a dreadful Speed stat. We’d like to dub it ‘Tearzard,’ but that sounds far too much like an ’80s indie rock outfit for our taste.
Its Pokedex entry could perhaps make some kind of reference to its tears, and how it unintentionally kills entire lakes worth of animal life, due to turning the whole body of water salty.
It’s sad because it kills, and it kills because it’s sad. And for some reason, you people freaking love it.
With that, we sit and wait for the next update, eagerly anticipating the revelation that all of our predictions were wrong, and that Grookey is, in actual fact, a Portuguese kleptomaniac whose sole ambition in life is to steal one sock from every pair in existence.
“Obrigado,” he sneers, slinking away into the night.
