Irrelevant but emotional lede incoming. Skip ahead six paragraphs if you would prefer to get right to that sweet Fire Emblem handholding action.
The time has come, frens. After more than four years of fun, tears, and liberal application of the rule of three, Tony Cocking is departing Twinfinite once and for all – at least, until I inevitably crash and burn, then come crawling back a la Homer Simpson returning to the nuclear power plant.
I love and thank everyone who has ever taken the time to read my pieces, and a special shout out to those who went so far as to comment. Even the dude who called me a cuck — which felt somewhat unnecessary, though I do appreciate his candor.
The only thing that bothers me is that I apparently caused the downfall of the journalism industry two years ago, and for that, I am truly apologetic.
It’s important to leave the workplace in a better state than it was when you entered it, and for this reason, I opted to write an article that absolutely everyone will like. Ev-er-y-one.
Inspired by the reveal of Fire Emblem: Three Hopes, I am going to explore the many reasons why Raphael Kirsten would be an ideal candidate for intimate palm connection. I base this on the assumption that he will be in Three Hopes. If he is not, I will commission a mod that makes it so (preferably using Hilda’s body, don’t kink shame me).
Thank you for showing me the error of my ways, Anonymous. This is dedicated solely to you. I think about you at night, and I hope you think of me, too.
They look like big, good, strong hands, don’t they?
Why I Would Like to Hold Raphael From Fire Emblem
Let’s get the most obvious thing out of the way first: yes, this article will probably win a Kunkel Award for outstanding content.
Let’s now address the second most obvious thing: the considerable size of Raphael’s mitts.
When selecting the best candidate for such an activity, this is of paramount importance. His are the kind of hands that would engulf yours, clutching you tightly with his plump yet supportive fingers.
“Hi,” you’d squeak coquettishly, your face filled with cherubic adoration. The headcanons write themselves! Such wonderful smut!!
The emotional resonance notwithstanding, this would also assist in times of danger. Say, for instance, you were sprinting together through a minefield, and losing grip from him would mean certain death. You need strength for this: strength of character and strength of hand.
Or perchance, you were floating away on a balloon string, soaring skyward like a piece of paper caught in an updraft? Don’t look down; it’s far too terrifying. Look up only towards the man who will never let you go.
His name is Raphael Kirsten… though I wrote the majority of this article inadvertently referring to him as Raphael Sorel until I did a quick fact-check. Raphael Sorel would totally let go; by the way, he’s kind of an asshole.
