We all know that Nintendo has the ability to stray towards the dark side every now and then. Whether it’s Giygas, Dead Hand or basically any Pokedex entry, the so-called kiddie company has more than its fair share of disturbing content under its belt.
Sometimes, however, things are not quite so blatant, and their relative obscurity is enough to make them that much more bone-chilling. As an aficionado of minute details, I thought I’d take a look at some things in Nintendo games that give me the willies.
Maybe after sharing this list, I’ll have given you the willies too — and not in that unfortunate manner that got me banned from Burger King.
Foolish Monkey’s Punishment (The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask)
We come out of the gates with the most obvious one, because hot damn we gotta sell tickets, baby. Majora’s Mask is just generally upsetting in every facet, with horrors ranging from the leering moon to even just the painful transformations Link suffers whenever he puts on a mask.
The Foolish Monkey can sometimes be forgotten, though, as his most disturbing scene is actually optional, and the only reason you would ever see it is to satisfy your own morbid curiosity. Don’t worry, I won’t kinkshame you.
After being accused of kidnapping the Deku Princess, this adorable fella is sentenced to a punishment by the belligerent king. You’ll venture into the cage for a quick chat, he sings you a lovely little monkey song, and then you’re ejected with your mission in place.
Most rational people then head straight to the nearby Woodfall Temple to rescue the princess, and she returns in the nick of time to tell her father “daddy, you so stupid.” Everyone has a good time, they all share a good laugh about it, and the king learns a valuable lesson to always trust monkeys when in doubt.
If you’re so inclined however, you can return to the royal chamber to discover exactly what the punishment entails. Now, you’ll find the monkey strung up over a pot of boiling water. Or oil. Or acid. Or Deku pee. It could be anything in there, really, the only thing for sure is that it doesn’t look pleasant.
It’s a harrowing enough image as it is, but if you decide to engage in a discussion with the monkey, the Dekus will actually dunk him into the scalding liquid. When he comes out, he’s completely silent and motionless.
Why exactly we needed to see the full severity of the punishment is anyone’s guess, but it really makes me feel icky inside. The writhing ape going into the drink. The Deku servants dancing about with sinister glee. The mad king taunting the condemned, his enraged face glowing crimson.
On the plus side, the monkey only has to suffer this agony for three days before everyone dies anyway. It’s not the best case scenario, but it sure beats what he’s got going on right now.
The Secret Aquarium (Super Mario 64)
The rest of this list isn’t going to be quite as in your face as animal abuse, but if you’re anything like me, you may still be crippled with the existential crises on display. Also if you’re anything like me, you’re free this Saturday and want to meet up to watch Goof Troop. Just saying. I’ll bring paninis.
Jolly Roger Bay is one of the spookier Mario 64 levels, tasking you to dive into a deep lagoon and come face to face with Unagi the Eel. If you’re fluent in Japanese, you’ll know that that means Eel the Eel, which is redundant and silly and redundant.
However, the room containing its entrance holds another mystery, courtesy of a small hole in the wall. Should Mario venture through this hole, he’ll be transported to the secret aquarium, home to one of the castle’s secret stars.
Getting that star is no particular challenge, as the plentiful coins act as oxygen and the only audience is a school of fish minding their own business.
But… why is this secret aquarium a thing? How did you go from the castle grounds into this tower with no discernible exit? There’s no way for Mario to surface, so if he exhausts his coin supplies before grabbing the power star, he’ll drown.
Can you shatter the windows to free yourself from your watery prison? It doesn’t look like it, and even if you could, the aquarium is suspended somewhere up in the clouds. Taken out of gaming context, this is a cruel fate for anyone who makes the innocent mistake of exploring suspicious holes in the wall.
What if a carpenter saw that hole? They’d be inclined to check it out, maybe see if they could patch it up, only to be teleported to a watery grave. How many tradespeople has Princess Peach killed with her witchcraft? Are those fish actually the imprisoned souls of all who ran afoul of the secret aquarium?
The answer is most definitely yes. Please adjust your creepypastas accordingly.
Jigglypuff and Koffing (Pokemon Snap)
Don’t judge me for finding Pokemon Snap scary. It’s more alarming than you think, really, with several Pokemon evolving as a direct response to your abuse. Did that Charmeleon really need to be sunk into the lava? Is your photography that crucial to society, you goofy-haired villain?
Putting the ecosystem destroying Pester Ball aside, Pokemon Snap allows you to see the whimsical creatures in their natural habitat. By the side of the river, a family of Bulbasaur graze peacefully, while Shellder bob in and out of the waves.
You’ll snap some candid shots of them, Oak will judge them haphazardly, completely disregarding any artistic value in favor of photos where the Pokemon is really, really big.
While you’re making your way through the cave however, you’ll notice something rather distressing going on. A Jigglypuff drifts past you, a look of anguish on its face, as it is closely stalked by a Koffing. It’s never really made clear what exactly is occurring here, but the implications are troubling.
What is happening to this poor Jigglypuff? Is it held captive by some unseen force? Does the Koffing just smell particularly bad? Freeing the pink fairy from its clutches is as simple as lobbing something right at the Koffing’s face — and yes, this kills it in the process — and your reward is a lovely Jigglypuff ditty as you exit the stage.
Should you choose not to intervene with nature’s cruelty, the stage will be empty, and you’ll have to bear the guilt of knowing that you could have changed the course of history.
Of course, there’s no way to be certain that this isn’t as god intended, and the malicious singing brings an end to society.
After all, for all you know, the Koffing was actually just a security guard calmly escorting a troublesome patron from an unseen bar.
That’s the thing – you just don’t know. It’s a paradoxical mindscrew masquerading as a cutesy game about photography.
Krang Is Probably Dead, Bro (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time)
“Poppycock,” you declare, your monocled brow furrowed in indignation. “This isn’t a Nintendo game at all. It’s an arcade port, you scallywag!”
Apparently you are an aristocrat. And though you’re not entirely wrong, the moment I’m referring to applies only to the Super Nintendo edition of Turtles in Time. So put your martini down before you take someone’s eye out!
The penultimate level of this classic beat ‘em up transports you to the distant year of 2100, where you must fight your way through Star Base (where no turtle has gone before). Shredder’s last line of defense is a rematch with Krang, now sans Android Body, gunning for you from onboard a spacecraft.
He hounds you with energy beams, electrified minions and bubbles… yes, bubbles… and as you fight back, Krang’s face swells sickeningly from within the cockpit. Finally, the craft bursts into flames, crashing to the floor as the malicious alien succumbs to your ninja fury.
In the arcade version, Krang wriggles from the demolished vehicle, no doubt gargling “I hate those Turtles” in Pat Fraley’s inimitable voice. On the SNES however, he’s nowhere to be seen, and moreover, the bottom of his spaceship is now coated in some kind of red substance that wasn’t there before.
You know what this means, right? Krang is dead. Brutally murdered at the hands of aggressive teenagers, his mangled corpse face down in a pool of his own blood. The Turtles don’t even spare a moment’s thought for what they’ve done, making a beeline towards the newly-opened portal and returning to the present day.
Every other boss tumbles from the stage upon defeat, or fades away harmlessly. I mean, my dude Leatherhead faceplants off a moving train and has probably suffered a pretty nasty concussion, but only Krang’s mangled carcass remains.
And here I thought Turtles fight with honor. Cowabunga indeed, assholes.
Buggy Assassins (Animal Crossing Series)
If you’re a longtime Animal Crossing fan, you’ll have no doubt tangled with a beehive more than once. Once it tumbles from the branches, you’ll be pursued doggedly by bees. Your only hope is to snag them in your net or run into a nearby building (though they will very politely wait for you to finish your conversation if you decide to approach a neighbor).
Should they catch up to you, you’ll get stung, causing your face to puff up miserably. It’s a funny sight, and the villagers will make sure that you’re aware of your own idiocy. But it’s ultimately harmless, and you can even sell the beehive for a small profit because animals are terrible with their money.
However, later games introduced new bugs that put those buzzy little bees to shame. On summer nights, somewhere around the witching hour, you may be unfortunate enough to hear a telltale rustling sound. That’s your warning that a scorpion or tarantula is nearby.
Anyone who’s ever crowed the old adage that ‘they’re more afraid of you than you are of them’ obviously never played Animal Crossing, because if you tick these foul beasts off, they’ll charge right towards you with murderous intent. Tarantulas can even jump short distances, adding to their menace.
If you think they just want to say hello, you’re a damned fool. They’ll bite into your supple flesh with an attack so fierce, it causes your character to pass out and collapse in a heap.
You’ll immediately wake up in front of your house no worse for wear, leaving you to wonder which villager dragged your prone body all the way across town, only to just leave you on your own doorstep like a drunkard.
The reason it’s so unnerving is because this whole thing is just so un-Animal Crossing. This game is supposed to be all about hanging out with cute critters, maybe taking up a spot of fishing every now and then – not getting mugged by things that go bump in the night!
On that note of fishing, I’m not really down with the fact that you can hook literal sharks, either. If it’s not reckless, it is at the very least environmentally inconsiderate.
What Those Bows Really Meant (Super Smash Bros. Ultimate)
This list was originally only supposed to have five entries, but then something else stuck in my craw that I wanted to get off my chest.
Every now and then, I dabble in a bit of online Smashing of Bros. I’m not that good, and occasionally I find myself on the receiving end of some absolutely humiliating defeats. Other times I encounter someone more to my speed, and engage in epic fistfights where we dodge and parry one another.
After a wild exchange, a stare down ensues, and the opponent starts ducking rapidly.
“Oh!” I think to myself, “They’re bowing as a sign of respect.”
I then begin bowing too. I like the silent exchange of courtesy, so I do it more often. After a big hit or an impressive move, or maybe upon scoring a KO — kind of like a statement that I won that round, let’s go at it again, friend!
After months of this practise, I caught wind that Nintendo had removed taunts from Smash Bros’ online mode, and this widespread ducking had a different meaning entirely. From there, I came to a sick realization…
I had been teabagging people online this whole time without ever intending it.
My innocuous bowing had actually been a sickening display of vulgarity, and sometimes I had even engaged in this lewd conduct against Daisy or Zelda… against royalty!!
It was the closest I had ever felt in gaming to being a sweet old grandmother who knew not what she was doing. All I wanted was to have some fun playing video games (and maybe trim my petunias), not to insult people around the world I had never met.
So to anyone who I ever teabagged online, I send you my very earnest apology.
…Except for that one Ganondorf player, he was a dick and had it coming.
Published: Dec 19, 2019 12:15 pm