The Players Lack Integrity
It’s every aspiring athlete’s dream to someday make it to Wimbledon, the pinnacle of tennis distinction. Players there are expected to adhere to a strict dress code of all-white, a striking visual that evokes hundreds of years of tradition. In Mario Tennis Aces, acceptable attire includes overalls, an open vest with no shirt underneath, or just straight up naked – Koopa Troopa strides onto the court wearing nothing but his tennis shoes and a smile. He’s a worse role model than Nick Kyrgios, and that’s saying something.
Furthermore, it seems apparent that some of the entrants shouldn’t be allowed to participate. Everyone always enjoys the bumbling antics of Wario, Waluigi and Bowser, but did we forget about the time when they blew up half of an entire stadium (the lore is real)? Or multiple accounts of theft and kidnapping? Or the fact that Waluigi is Waluigi and nobody likes Waluigi?
The most likely scenario is that qualification is awarded on a pay to play basis, where only the wealthiest and most affluent are considered. Between all of his plundering and microgames, Wario’s net worth is estimated in the billions, while nearly half of the players are literal royalty of their respective nations. It’s unclear how the minions managed to afford the stipend, but it’s surely just as shady. Rumor has it that Blooper is a drug lord. It would certainly explain a lot.
With all this being said, our proposal is a full-scale investigation that will send this corrupt house of cards collapsing to the floor. If you would like to know more, please sign up for the Anti-Mario Corruption Newsletter, or contact your local member of Congress and express your concern directly. We can do this, but we have to do it together. Make a difference, and help bring integrity back to the Mushroom Kingdom – let’s turn Mario Tennis Disgraces into Everyone’s Tennis Aces (title pending).
