Competitive Eating
It’s a sport, dammit – you can tell because it’s on ESPN. On a related note, that same logic also qualifies poker, cup stacking competitions, and spelling bees as sports. Does this mean that Pratyush Buddiga, former spelling bee champ turned professional poker player is twice as much of an athlete as Michael Jordan? Sure, probably!
Your skeptical mind probably takes you straight to Mario Party minigames like Eatsa Pizza or Shy Guy Shuffle. Shouldn’t they count? In a peripheral manner, yes – you are literally eating in a competitive manner. But if I throw a football at you right now and shriek ‘touchdown’ at the top of my lungs, that doesn’t make me a quarterback, now does it?
What we’re talking about here is the good old fashioned affairs of ‘consume everything in front of you, and if anyone doubts your capabilities, consume them too’. The kind of events made famous by Joey Chestnut, Takeru Kobayashi and I wish I had stopped this sentence at two, because I have run out of famous competitive eaters.
At long last, Mario could put his purported pasta eating skills to the test, stuffing his face full of penne until he can stomach no more. Yoshi’s infamous gobbling prowess would become legend, but controversy and contractual issues may lead to his eventual arrest on Coney Island. Please submit your best ‘Free Kobayoshi’ fan art. Or your worst, for that matter – we’re not picky.
