Are you staying rugged up this holiday season?
Whether you’re in Manchester or Seoul, Krakow or *points at arbitrary location in North America* Topeka, Kansas, it’s a chilling truth that the temperature is dropping and winter is setting in.
Never fear however, because your friends here at Twinfinite know that the greatest warmth comes from within, and that’s why we’ve assembled this list of hot weather levels in games that can help to stave off hypothermia in every way except literally.
Alternative intro: Here are some hot weather levels symbolic of this oppressive summer because the southern hemisphere is also a thing and we’re all melting down here.
Shell Shock (Cool Spot)
Trying to explain Cool Spot to anyone who missed the 90s makes you sound like a crazy person. After all, it’s a game where a 7-Up bottle washes up on the shore, and the logo becomes sentient and sets off to save its fellow cool spots. How and why this has occurred is unknown, along with the identity of the assailant who has set about imprisoning these innocent cool spots.
If you get through that conversation, they might even be ready to tackle the enormity of Pepsiman.
Seeing how the game begins on a beach, it feels right that it starts off our list. It might seem like a nice spot to hang out, but don’t let your guard down for too long, lest you be accosted by crabs hidden in the sand, or hermit crabs that are making a beeline for you. Yes, the enemies in this level are both crabs. Don’t blame me, I didn’t make the damn game.
Once you pass the sixth level of Cool Spot, you’ll actually make your way back through the previous stages all over again, albeit with new enemies and obstacles, so the beach is actually the last level of this game as well. Part of me is tempted to channel this energy by having that stage as the last entry on this list, too.
Solar (Star Fox 64)
Sometimes I wonder if the Star Fox team really had any idea what they were doing whatsoever. Their guerrilla assault was intended to pierce through Andross’ defenses quickly and effectively, but if you’re so inclined, you can take the route that leads you directly through a literal star.
Rumor has it that there’s a bioweapon in development somewhere among the magma, and the best way to ascertain this, clearly, is by sending your flying woodland creatures directly towards the surface.
“This baby can take temperatures up to 9,000 degrees!” Slippy brags, while your Arwing racks up damage every passing moment. That’s nice and all, you idiot frog, but that doesn’t mean that we should test that theory by engaging in dogfights with enemies that are billowing flames from every orifice.
How much tactical importance does Solar have in the greater scheme of things, anyway? In Sector Y, your mission is to thin out the oncoming fleet to buy Corneria more time. By attacking the supply train on Macbeth, you’re crippling Venomian resources. On Solar, there’s a scary lava monster that seems to only live in lava who is dwelling on the planet that is covered in lava.
It seems that the best way to avoid confronting this threat in the war is by not going there. Everyone seemed fine without cruising around Solar prior to this, right?
Zack Island (Dead or Alive)
Whether you’re talking about the original Zack Island or the revamped, souped up version, the setting of the Dead or Alive Xtreme spinoff series is just about as pristine an island paradise as you can get.
Crystal blue waters… white sandy beaches… and most significantly, a swarm of deadly assassins who have put their differences aside to compete in volleyball, exchange lovely gifts and occasionally, push each other into swimming pools in an exchange of posterior assault.
Let’s be honest, you don’t really want anyone to ever know you play these games. Ayane has got better stuff to do than this, and you probably do, too.
As for the island itself, there is no shortage of activities to partake in. For the outdoorsy types who like to climb, the cliff faces make for an excellent challenge.
Perhaps you’ll hit it big in the casino, enough to splurge on an island of your very own someday? Failing that, you can just laze around the hotel room and take uncomfortable photos of your favorite DOA girl.
About the only drawback of Zack Island in its various iterations is that it is prone to getting destroyed by natural disasters. The first edition was sunk by an erupting volcano, while the sequel fell victim to a meteor shower. Call it the wrath of god if you will for such gross excess, I just hope it didn’t damage my Venus swimsuit. That thing cost me a fortune.
Desert Land (Super Mario Bros. 3)
Mario has been to more scorching locales in his day than I’ve snapped lewd pictures of Lei Fang, so narrowing it down to just one is quite the daunting task. Though Super Mario 64’s Shifting Sand Land or Lethal Lava Land are both textbook examples of hot weather levels and excellent uses of alliteration, the one that keeps springing back to mind is the second world of Super Mario Bros. 3.
More specifically, the moment that Mario has to do battle with the sun itself. Yes, the Angry Sun encounter is one of the most iconic moments in the plumber’s decorated history, and it still stands the test of time for being so unforgettable and terrifying.
Though its attacks pale in comparison to the persistent hovering of SMB2’s Phanto — who is actually quite justified in his fury, considering you basically burst into his house and snatched his keys from the kitchen table — if you’re not paying attention, the sun can really mess up your day.
All it takes is a well placed Koopa shell to fell this foe, but that no doubt comes with its own set of consequences that stretch far beyond the Mushroom Kingdom. Considering that Kratos’ brutal murder of the sun god Helios plunged Greece into darkness, you’d think that murdering the actual sun itself would have much the same effect.
Perhaps that’s why the Dark World where you battle Bowser once and for all is devoid of any sunshine? That reckless son of a gun Mario, he definitely lacks the light touch.
I’ll pause for laughter now. I assume it is uproarious.
Corel Prison (Final Fantasy VII)
One thing that is hard to capture in video games is just how desolate a desert region can feel. For a true sample of misery, all you need to do is wander through Corel Prison. Located directly underneath the glitzy opulence of the Gold Saucer, the town formerly known as Corel has become a ruinous wasteland, filled to the brim with undesirables and surrounded by deadly quicksand.
You’ll be accosted every few steps by thieves that will snatch your valuable items before fleeing from the scene. That nice Echo Screen you got for Christmas? It’s long gone now, destined to be exchanged for a fistful of gil, or maybe a sweet kiss on the cheek (I don’t know how Corel Prison’s economy works).
The only way out is by winning the Chocobo Race, which is fair in theory but does suggest that mass murderers could be let back out onto the streets if they’re particularly good at riding warking birdies through neon tunnels. Quite the questionable legal system they’ve got there.
Before you take your leave, however, don’t forget to meet up with Barret’s old buddy Dyne. They have much to discuss, fond memories to look back on, and yeah, you’ll probably want to fight him to the death while you’re there. Once that’s done, you can swing by the gift shop, pick up a sweet ‘I killed Dyne’ t-shirt, and never come back again!
Emerald Coast (Sonic Adventure)
Sonic may have had a precarious history in the realm of 3D gaming, but you can never argue against the effectiveness of his set pieces. Sonic Adventure 2’s opening stage, City Escape, became famous for its final section where you’re chased by a truck through the streets.
I was going to say ‘chased relentlessly’ because I’m fond of adverbs, but in hindsight, the truck is actually quite willing to relent, slowing down to a near halt if it catches you. Probably just checking to make sure you didn’t damage the bumper.
Its predecessor, however, didn’t bother with such niceties. The killer whale of Sonic Adventure will do exactly as its name suggests if you’re not fast enough, smashing the boardwalk to tiny fragments and leaving late 90s gamers around the world to wonder why we just left Tails back there to die.
The rest of Emerald Coast isn’t nearly as stressful, dotted with beaches, palm trees, and loops that surely must serve some actual purpose beyond the off chance that a blue hedgehog might fancy running through them.
Sure, the spike traps and occasional Badniks might be a touch disconcerting for potential vacationers, but it’s like the rough part of any neighborhood. Just stay clear of there and stick to the resorts.
If you’re looking for a similar experience, you might want to try out Wave Ocean in Sonic ’06. It has an absolutely gorgeous musical track composed by Mariko Namba and Tomoya Ohtani, and has been strategically designed to give you the ultimate gaming challenge. Just try not to fling your controller too hard.
Sunshine Airport (Mario Kart 8)
The obvious choice for a Mario Kart track in this theme would probably be Koopa Beach, maybe one of Bowser’s Castles, or even opt for a truly avant garde option by proclaiming Waluigi Pinball to be the hottest level you’ve ever seen, baby.
But no, we prefer the reckless endangerment of its competitors that is Sunshine Airport. It’s suitably sunny as you’d hope, but it’s also a completely inappropriate place to stage a kart race of any description.
Between flinging banana peels at one another through the terminal, or darting around the wheels of airplanes on the runway, you’re bound to be left pondering who on earth planned such a deadly race.
There are also lots of nice little easter eggs, such as the Koopa Troopa rock formation from the aforementioned beach in the distance, or an intercom that makes boarding calls for Boomerang Bros. International Airline and everyone’s favorite hot mess, Birdo.
She’s being requested at the information counter on floor 2, most likely because her suitcases are absolutely loaded with contraband.
Fire Grotto (The Magical Quest Starring Mickey Mouse)
Basically, this level is the part where Mickey Mouse goes to hell.
It may sound like a reach, but think about it. You ride a spiked elevator down into the burning catacombs, and the first thing you meet is a fire-breathing imp that tries to impale you against the ceiling by raising the lava with his mallet.
Should you survive that scuffle, you’ll be forced to traverse through a dastardly environment where even the flames themselves have come to life.
Before long, things start looking like that ‘this is fine’ comic, and the lone friendly face you’ll see is the owner of the general store, who by this point is probably regretting his choice of location.
Your only hope of escape is by steeling your nerves and duking it out with an angry head mounted on the wall. If that’s not an allegory for the devil, I don’t know what is.
And then to make things even better, the next level is high among the peaks, suggesting that Mickey’s success earned him a spot in heaven. You can tell it’s heaven, because Goofy’s there and he gives you a snazzy outfit.
Nuevo Paraíso (Red Dead Redemption)
Sure, you may argue that all of Red Dead Redemption could be considered appropriate for this list, but that would feel like a cop out. As a wise man once said, we’re going to take the ATM machine with us to Mexico.
A wiser man would then point out that ATM stands for ‘automated teller machine’, making the use of the word machine in that sentence redundant. That wiser man is me, incidentally, because that line has always bugged me. I really don’t like that movie.
Sorry, what? Oh yeah, Nuevo Paraíso.
Play some blackjack in sunny Chuparosa, stage a gunfight against the bandits of Nosalida, and watch on in bemusement as locals in Escalera disappear without a trace. Is it an important story element? No, it’s a glitch. It’s still quite fascinating, though.
Isle Delfino (Super Mario Sunshine)
I know, I know. We claimed that we’d cap Mario at one hot weather stage, and then we’ve gone and given him a second — technically a third if you include Mario Kart’s inclusion as well. But Christmas has already passed, so there’s an entire year for us to get off the naughty list. I like those odds.
Besides, Super Mario Sunshine is a game that literally has the word sunshine in the title. It’s the definitive summer romp, and Isle Delfino stands as one of the more interesting hub worlds Mario has ever prowled around.
Populated by the jolly Piantas, Isle Delfino will give you ample opportunities to try out your brand new gear, without having to worry about the threat of enemies crossing your path. You can sprint around, backflip onto buildings, or even just pelt everyone with water in a playful display of aggression.
It’s all fair game here at Isle Delfino, the land of eternal sunshine and durians. Incidentally, that’s also the slogan for my favorite brothel.
Published: Dec 26, 2019 10:34 am