Sex can be used, like in any other medium, as a way to help progress a game’s story, characters, or even define its narrative themes. We’ve seen this done in a multitude of games ranging from the likes of Bayonetta to the romantic options posed in The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. Most of the time, these scenes are entertaining enough and don’t take us out of the story that’s being told. We say most of the time because there are some seriously awkward sex scenes that have happened throughout gaming’s existence.
Now, when we are talking about awkward we aren’t referencing actually having sex in the game, but the weird (sometimes absurd) looking animations, settings, and ideas revolving around it. This won’t be just about terrible character animations, but how these scenes fit into the game’s story or world as well. Here are 10 video game sex scenes that we really wish we could have skipped.
(Warning: Spoilers Ahead!)
Hot Coffee Mod – Grand Theft Auto San Andres
Being a gangster in Los Santos is difficult enough thanks to the belligerent police, killer model airplanes, and everyone packing some sort of firearm. Yet, even when you attempt to catch a break with your special lady friend, you are treated to an absurdly comical sex scene full of oddly placed one-liners and all. Not to mention the facial expressions on both CJ and his lady of choice are utterly terrifying.
While this isn’t technically a part of the core game, its massive popularity and notoriety has made it synonymous with this title. We’re not entirely sure if this section of the game being designated as a mini-game is good or bad, but it’s certainly not what the normal kind you’d expect.
Cleopatra – Dante’s Inferno
Yes, we are aware that this is the Circle of Lust and the entire idea is that this boss fight is supposed to be Dante’s struggle with his own physical temptations. However, that doesn’t really ease up the demon cherubs crawling out of a giant Cleopatra’s breasts. This may be one of the oddest boss fights we’ve ever played, as you not only have to fight her but a warped version of Mark Antony as well.
After you slay her lover you will need to fight her up close as she attempts to lure you in, ending with Dante jamming his scythe between her legs. While this isn’t technically a sex scene, the level of innuendos, designs, and physical motions between the two characters is close enough. The worst part of this whole ordeal is that you still have to travel through Gluttony, which we can only imagine is tidy and not at all gross.
Pyramid Head and the Mannequins  – Silent Hill 2
Oh, look another super weird sex scene that is meant to be a reflection of our protagonist’s deepest secrets and sins. However, the big catch in Silent Hill 2 is that the lumbering monster known as Pyramid Head is giving it to a bunch of creepy mannequins. While the scene is incredibly short, the entire display couldn’t look less arousing if it tried, not to mention our protagonist James decides the best course of action is to hide in a nearby closet and watch.
Also, can we address the fact that these mannequins have no head or arms and are essentially four legs and a torso? This entire scene is really just getting weirder by the second.
Campfire Love – Dragon Age
In fantasy and RPG games, romancing and eventually having sex with your partner is just an aspect of the game and storytelling. However, Dragon Age took it a few steps further with this romantic option by the campfire. If you decide to romance your partner while at camp then you two will engage in what appears to be a hot and steamy moment that solidifies their relationship.
That is until the scene ends and you realize that your entire party has been standing right beside you watching silently. While the prospect of having sex by a fire on a moonlit night seems romantic, having my other companions standing beside me is most certainly not.
Kratos vs. Aphrodite – God of War III
The God of War series has always been a bit cheeky when it comes to sex, as the first mini-game you ever partake in is a threesome aboard a nearly destroyed ship. However, the boss fight with goddess Aphrodite is hilarious due to the player getting to watch the reactions of Aphrodite’s handmaidens. During this entire quick time scene, both women gawk in wonder at your godly prowess and basically provide play by play commentary of the entire event.
Sure, the scene does serve a purpose within the game, but the off-screen antics of Kratos have always felt like they belonged in a different game given how funny they always end up appearing. But hey, at least Kratos didn’t ruin a perfectly good vase this time around.
Alma’s End – F.E.A.R. 2
 F.E.A.R. 2 may win the award for weirdest ending to a horror video game in recent memory as the final battle between you and the Japanese horror-inspired Alma ends not at all how one might expect. During the fight, you are “sent” to another dimension and are tasked with fending off malevolent entities that are trying to swarm you, the whole time you can faintly hear Alma moaning in the background.
Defeat the level and you will awake to a naked Alma placing your hand on her stomach signaling that you are now the proud father of a probable, psychopathic, telepathic child. Not only is this a well-executed twist, but the game just abruptly ends, making you wait until the third installment releases to clarify this entire mess.
Everything – Ride to Hell RetributionÂ
Considered one of the worst games ever made, Ride to Hell Retribution officially has the worst sex scenes in any video game currently available. Not only does each scene, of which there are many, showcase a plethora of awful animations and warped facial expressions, but there is no music for any part. This just makes players awkwardly sit in total silence as they watch the weird acts play out before them, all the while simultaneously praying their power goes out. Plus, a lot of the scenes happen right after traumatic or uncomfortable events, which makes the entire moment more awkward.
The writing for each scene leading up to each section makes porn look like Shakespearian literature and basically serves no point to the plot in any way. Also, and this is just a weird trend in video games, everyone is still wearing all their clothes regardless of where they have sex. Congratulations Ride to Hell Retribution, you have officially made the most awkward and ridiculous sex scene ever in a video game.
Published: Oct 12, 2016 12:56 pm