In a recent interview with Men’s Journal, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson — the burly mountain of muscle with a million-dollar smile — revealed that he intends to “bring one of the biggest, most badass games to the screen.”
The Rock stated that an announcement was coming but that he could not divulge which franchise he was referring to. This is not unfamiliar territory, as he has both Doom and Rampage under his belt. That particular belt hangs shamefully in an unassuming corner of the basement, as both of those movies were quite dreadful.
So what could Dwayne Johnson be hinting at? The gaming world is abuzz with the possibilities, and we’re throwing our hat into the ring with a list of options that will someday prove prophetic. Don’t be surprised when he actually elects to do all six of them in quick succession. Or simultaneously. He’s pretty versatile, you know.
Also, our hat is an expensive fedora with a playing card wedged into the band, and we would like it back when you’re done with it.
Alright, picture this. You’re at the cinema, and a trailer starts playing for an upcoming movie. A dark, dingy arena appears onscreen. It’s empty at first until a variety of colorful shapes begin to rain down from above. Faster and faster they fall, with the only thought on your mind what kind of horrible fate will take place if they were to fill up the entire space.
Soon, the disembodied navigator tasked with controlling these shapes has become overwhelmed. The stack has almost reached the top, and disaster is moments away.
Then, he appears: Dwayne Johnson as a tetromino.
He lands with such force that all of the other blocks crumble in his wake. His momentum builds, flames erupting from his neon flesh as a piercing roar escapes his throat. The screen cuts to white, then the title card appears.
Dwayne Johnson… is… Tetris.
It’s a literal blockbuster! Siskel and Ebert give it no thumbs up, but only because they’ve both been dead for many years.
Pokemon Legends: Arceus
The frigid Hisuian region is fraught with many dangers, and to survive, one must be both strong and cunning. Step aside, small child of ambiguously Japanese heritage, Dwayne Johnson is here to save the day.
In the movie version of Pokemon Legends, Dwayne Johnson departs from the safety of Jubilife Village and immediately gets to work, wrestling the local fauna to the ground and pummelling them into submission. The only way to fix a fragile ecosystem is through hard love, he reasons, and every battered Voltorb and Wyrdeer he leaves in his wake will surely prove beneficial in the long run.
It doesn’t, and in the end, he must answer to god. God, in this context, is Arceus, who he disposes of with a Samoan drop. Incidentally, this movie is a romantic comedy.
Our boy Dwayne Johnson is, of course, quite the entrepreneur, and knows when something is worth tapping into (like the XFL! Just bring back Rod Smart, and we’ve got a deal). So it makes perfect sense for him to translate this peaceful puzzler to the silver screen.
He’d play the beaten-down everyman, trying to rebuild his life after a failed marriage that forced him to move interstate. Each trinket from yesteryear would evoke deep-seated memories, some joyful, some painful.
Afterward, he would move on to the next room. And then the next. And then the next. This would proceed for the full duration of the film’s three-and-a-half-hour runtime. Then the credits would roll — don’t walk out just yet, though! Because we’d get a bonus scene where his daughter knocks on his front door, a box in hand that needs to be unpacked.
That’s right, we’re already planning a sequel.
We all enjoy wrestling video games, but don’t you just wish you could see these digital super-warriors come to life? A movie adaptation of the upcoming WWE 2K22 is just the solution, and if you could forgive it for having too many 2’s in its name, you’ll be dazzled by the athletic artistry taking place.
Imagine Dwayne Johnson, the star who brought us such smash hits as Southland Tales and Baywatch, portraying ‘The Rock,’ whose endless witticisms brought us a steady stream of SmackDown subtitles, from ‘Know Your Role’ to ‘Shut Your Mouth’ and ‘Do Your Chores.’
Though his repertoire has been extensive in the last few years, trying to accurately portray this eyebrow-raising, People’s Elbowing brute would be the ultimate challenge. There’s such swag machismo to this character that makes him truly electrifying; he can make anything cool, except, of course, Roman Reigns in 2015.
Alternatively, he could play the cover star, Rey Mysterio. I’d pay good money to see him pull off the West Coast Pop. In fact, I’d pay good money to see Rey pull off the West Coast Pop – the poor dude is like 619 years old.
If a standard movie about pro wrestling doesn’t catch your fancy, let’s lean hard into the eldritch horror that was WWE 2K20.
Competitors’ limbs flailing in and out of their sockets, chair shots that send its target twitching towards the heavens, Becky Lynch’s face peeling back into a void of nothingness… Oh, yes, I’m here, I belong. This is where it’s at. Wawa-what am I looking at?
A film adaptation of this gaming classic would no doubt require an extensive special effects budget (or train its actors to defy the laws of physics, whichever is faster), and it’s anyone’s guess as to what the plot would be. Sure, you could trot out some of the MyCareer arcs and call it a day if you were so inclined, though a narrative involving The Rock’s vain attempts at completing a single match without any catastrophic glitches would be an absolute nail biter.
Hey, it can’t be any worse than Free Guy, right?
Barbie Sparkling Ice Show
Tense. Gripping. Inspirational. These are just some adjectives, but enough about them, we’re going to talk about Barbie Sparkling Ice Show.
In this game, you take control of Barbie (just in the literal sense, she’s an independent woman) as she pirouettes about the ice with all of the grace early 2000s polygons could muster. At various points, you pull off a trick. Success will gain the narrator’s validation. Failure will condemn your loved ones to an eternity of suffering.
It’s actually fairly dull, overall, so a shakeup involving a 260-pound man could be just what the doctor ordered. Just picture Dwayne Johnson zipping about the ice in his form-fitting tutu (actually, the same one from Tooth Fairy), a look of whimsy in his eye as he capably guides his career towards an Academy Award for Best Leading Barbie. Then, at the climax, he unveils a tetromino with his face on it. That’s right, we’re already planning a crossover, and possibly an established universe- watch out Marvel, we are coming for EU.
Also, I swear I didn’t use the term Dwayne Johnson quite so excessively in an effort to boost SEO. It’s just a really fun name to inject indiscriminately throughout an article.