Gaming Hotlines
So you’re stuck on a particularly tricky level. Texting a friend? Not possible. The Internet? Never heard of it. Ask your parents? Your mom probably tries pressing up on the d-pad to jump. Don’t waste your time.
That’s why it was up to the professionals to guide you towards glory, and all it would cost you was the low, low rate of $9 a minute! You may be on hold for most of those minutes, but you were paying for knowledge – it was worth it, dammit.
One could only imagine the sheer scope of the job these brave employees were tasked with, effectively having to know every minute aspect of any title that was ever released; from the staples of Super Mario Bros. and The Legend of Zelda, all the way down to the dregs of Hudson Hawk or Kid Kool. Trying to extract information about a player’s location or attempting to relay instructions to a dopey ten-year-old sounds like a recipe for disaster, and many mullets were no doubt lost to frantic hair pulling.
Is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key? Only they truly knew the answer to that age-old question and countless more. Bless those hotline geniuses. They can call us any day.
