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I Entered a Pokemon Tournament and Now I Hate Everyone


I Entered a Pokemon Tournament and Now I Hate Everyone

I joined in on the festivities for the 2020 Oceania International Championships, and though I was unable to compete in the official tournament — it started on Friday, and apparently people who work full time aren’t worthy of participation — I gamely signed up for the Premier Challenge side event, capped at 32 players using standard VGC rules.

Making my tourney premiere at the Premier Challenge? It was worth it for the wordplay alone, man. Let’s meet the team!

Pokemon tournament
Team name: Lambs to the Slaughter

Open the image in a new tab to read their movesets, or use a magnifying glass if you’re a detective from the 1800s.

Match 1 vs “Miria”

To kick things off, I opened with Muppet and Cedella against Duraludon and Togekiss. The latter is running amok through the metagame at the moment, so I figured it would be making an early appearance as soon as I saw it on my opponent’s roster. Hence, Toxapex was the pick to slow it down.

Then, it happened. Straight off the bat, Duraludon grew 50 feet tall, as we had an opening turn Dynamax. The Togekiss, who I assumed would be dealing out the damage, raised its arms in the air in a celebratory declaration of love for its teammate.

Helping Hand? Whatever could it be helping?

Pokemon Sword Shield
16 Photos Taken Moments Before Disaster

The answer was swift and brutal. Max Steelspike, directly into Muppet’s supple flesh, and a one-hit KO. My very first competitive round ended with one Pokemon fainting and the other protecting against literally nothing, as Cedella’s Baneful Bunker was disregarded entirely.

Out came Baltimora, the delightful double entendre of Maryland’s NFL team and the 80s one-hit-wonder who gifted us with the catchy disco hit Tarzan Boy, who received a Max Lightning for his troubles. A second straight OHKO, and just like that, I was down in a 2-0 hole.

Now it was Tum Tum’s turn to fight/die, cultivating the land so that the next generation could have a better future with a lovely Leech Seed atop both opponents’ heads.

Thunderbolt sent Cedella packing, and the only saving grace was that Tum Tum’s gardening adventures actually paid off, eventually sucking Duraludon’s HP supply dry before my plucky Appletun was Air Slashed into oblivion.

Result: 1-4 LOSS

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