Get an Amiibo Today With These 5 Tips, Prepare to Break Faces

Break into the Store

Retailers claim that they don’t have enough Amiibo to give to everyone who asks for one. But that’s gotta be BS, so why not cut the middleman and break in? Seriously, just grab a baseball bat, break the glass open, and let yourself in. Head into the warehouse and search every box. Knock them over, ransack the entire store until you find your Amiibo. They can’t deny them to you forever, you deserve them, dammit. And if there actually aren’t any in the warehouse? Light them on fire. Just let it all burn as punishment for denying you what’s rightfully yours.

Sell Your Soul to Nintendo Satan

Desperate times call for desperate measures. He has many names: the Dark One, Lucifer, Tim. You may call him your savior. To summon him, you need a copy of Wii Music, a blue shell, and Mario’s cap. Also, a chunk of Reggie Fils-Aime’s blood. Not entirely sure how you’re going to get the hair, but if you want that Amiibo bad enough, you’ll make it work. Just a small handful, not enough for him to notice it or draw national attention. At a crossroads, dig a tiny hole and fill the hole with these items, in this order: blue shell, Mario cap, Wii Music, Reggie’s hair. Finally, put a drop of blood on Reggie’s hair. After reciting the fifth psalm of Link’s Ocarina Tune, you will have summoned Nintendo Satan. He will grant you your wish for an Amiibo…for your immortal soul, of course.

Punch the Guy That Just Bought One

Look, it’s not particularly honorable or nice, but hey, that’s what they get for grabbing an Amiibo before you. Whether it’s a guy twice your size, a young child, or even an old lady, just grab their bag and run. As far as your legs take you. Also probably helps to avoid security so you don’t have charges pressed against you. That’s generally regarded as a bad thing, but if you know a judge that’ll let you punching someone for an Amiibo slide, then go ahead.

The Black Market

The black market is where you can find basically anything, give or take a few grenade launcher rounds and blood diamonds. Someone there has to know of a way to get you an Amiibo. Odds are, they can get it to you within 24 hours or less. But you’ll probably have to pay some enormous price that’ll look pretty shady on your credit card statement. Or possibly let some sketchy looking dudes hide guns in your apartment for a few days while they get their affairs order. Either way, you’ll have an Amiibo and sometimes have to call Kevin back because you find another one of Natalia’s grenades in your couch. Fair trade.

Steal the Cargo Ships

Sometimes, when you want something bad enough, you gotta go straight to the source. Why wait for the Amiibo to come to you when you could come to them? Grab some friends, head to the West Coast to scope things out, and come up with a plan to take the ship for yourself. When I say ‘steal’, I mean you hijack that thing, Captain Phillips style. Hostages and all as it makes its way to its destination. Or murder everyone and take the ship for yourself and split the profits with your crew. Is it crazy? Yes. Will it go down as the most successful and ridiculous heist in history? Undoubtedly.  But who cares about casualties and federal charges when you’ve got all the Amiibo for yourself to hoard in your house for the rest of your days? At that point, you’ve got everything you could ever want out of life.