The 2016 Summer Olympics are in full swing, the greatest athletes from around the world are competing to prove which country is best. This got us wondering what would have if our favorite video game characters made their way to these competitions. When looking over the staggering roster of athletic gaming characters, we decided upon 15 who would dominate the games.
We decided to break them up based on the individual events and looked for characters that would excel in those fields. We also decided to omit the cast of Blizzard’s Overwatch since they’ve not only gotten their own Olympic-themed event, but the majority of them would crush the competition. However, if you’re looking for video game representatives for the Summer Games, here are our choices.
Link & Epona (The Legend of Zelda) – Equestrian Jumping
When it comes to jumping over fences on horseback, Link seems like the logical choice. Pretty much all he and Epona do together in Ocarina in Time and Twilight Princes is jump over fences, walls, and broken down gates. The only question is do the Olympics allow stolen horses because we’re pretty sure Link never paid for her.
Zangief (Street Fighter) – Wrestling Freestyle
We couldn’t think of a better choice for the wrestling competition than this mountain of a man. While we’re sure that some of his moves are illegal, seeing the Red Cyclone face off against others in a real wrestling match would be quite a sight. Also if there was an Olympic chest hair competition, we know who’d we put money on.
Master Chief (Halo) – Shooting
Have you seen how many weird, obscure, and convoluted weapons this man has used in the fight against the Covenant? Sure the normal Olympians aren’t exactly using Beam Rifles or Needlers, but it’s not like he doesn’t know his way around shotguns and rifles. Though given how many different gun users exist within gaming itself, Master Chief would certainly have some hefty competition.
Evie & Jacob Frye (Assassin’s Creed Syndicate) – Synchronized Diving
Yes, this is a real Olympic event in which two drivers must perform a variety of dives in perfect unison. Who better than the duo of Evie and Jacob Fyre? Sure, they usually aren’t jumping into swimming pools, but since assassins are known for diving from precarious heights this feels like a natural fit. Just make sure there aren’t any bails of hay around the arena or we may never get them to stop jumping off of the arena’s roof.
Bayonetta (Bayonetta) – Gymnastics
Okay, sure we’d have to take her guns and other various weapons away, but can you imagine the judge’s faces after her performance? It’s not like Bayonetta doesn’t have style or grace, especially when it comes to slaying angels and demons. Though, we’re not sure if her “outfit” is Olympic regulation, so she might need to change that.
Chun Lee (Street Fighter) – Football
When it comes to kicking power is there anyone better than Street Fighter’s Chun Lee? She could probably face an entire football team by herself and still win thanks to her Lighting Kicks.
Joe Danger (Joe Danger) – Any Cycling Event
When thinking about the best biker in gaming, Joe Danger certainly jumped to the top of our list. While this stuntman may not need to jump over cars or through hoops of fire, (Which should be an Olympic event alone) we’re quite confident his biking abilities would help him take home the gold.
Sonic the Hedgehog (Sonic the Hedgehog) – Athletics
It’s Sonic, do we really need to say more? This little guy would complete every race before the runners were even able to hear the starting gun off.
Little Mac (Punch Out) – Boxing
There are a lot of capable fighters in gaming, but when it comes to doling out punches Little Mac might be near the top. Not only has he beaten the great Mike Tyson, but pretty much everyone in the Nintendo Universe.
Abzu (Abzu) – Swimming
While swimming deep in the ocean and in a regulation pool are very different things, Abzu should still fair well in the competition. While Abzu might not be the best swimmer in all of gaming but this diver would definitely give everyone a run for their money.
Faith (Mirror’s Edge) – Hurdles
Given that Faith spends the majority of her life running from the police and jumping off of precarious ledges, performing in the hurdle race would be a walk in the park. We would just need to make sure they are painted red so she knows which ones to jump over.
Laura Croft (Tomb Raider) – Archery
Since she’s had to deal with crazy bad guys, monsters, and dinosaurs, some target practice might be good for Laura. Plus, she won’t have to try and survive an island full of homicidal natives while doing it.
Drake (Uncharted) – Triathlon
There’s a fair amount of contenders that could dominate a triathlon, but Drake felt like a natural choice since most of his days include, running, swimming, and having to outrun others. Yes, his biking skills may not be up to par, but we think Drake could make up the time differences in the running and swimming portions.
Mario (Super Mario) – Table Tennis
Well, Mario can pretty much do any other sport why not add table tennis to the mix. This plumper is apparently capable at playing any kind of sport imaginable, so we might as well have him represent gaming in the most intense competition in all of the Olympics.
D-Horse (Metal Gear Solid V) – Dressage
The most important event in the entirety of the Olympic Games deserves the best that gaming can offer. D-Horse is an animal with style and grace, one who can switch effortlessly between fashions without ever being out of style. There is no other horse that can dress as well as D-Horse, though Konami may charge you $4.99 to use them.