When it comes to the weaponry video game characters use to defend themselves, there’s a long list of items that, fun or not, wouldn’t fly if someone tried to use them in real life. Some push past the absurd into downright ridiculous or harmful to their wielder though, and that’s why they’re on our totally serious list of the 10 most impractical weapons in gaming history.
Gunblade (Final Fantasy Series)
As much as people might like to harp on Final Fantasy VII‘s Buster Sword as the most impractical weapon in the series, it’s hard not to give that honor to the horribly ill-thought-out Gunblade.
Though undeniably cool in its design, this hybrid of firearm and bladed weapon runs the risk of breaking down at any moment. Blocking with it could lead to the gun components being damaged and becoming unusable, and each shot fired from it could lead to the blade itself coming loose or even being blown off entirely.
And that’s if one could even hold it properly. Given its wonky balancing and oblong shape, keeping the blade steady enough to aim blasts would be a nightmare.
It would take years of practice just to hold the thing in place and fire off a shot with it. Even then, the user would run an extremely high chance of being shot or stabbed dead by someone with the sense to pick between either of the two weapons it combines. But hey, at least they got to look cool in their final moments, right?
The Blitzkrieg (Dead Rising 2)
Dead Rising was a series chock full of crazy and ill-thought out weapons, and few were as outlandish as the Blitzkrieg.
Whereas other weapon combinations see users strap explosives to a stick pony or chainsaws to a motorbike, this diabolical creation sees an armory of weapons taped onto an electric wheelchair. The user can then drive around unleashing streams of bullets on hoards of zombies, painting the ground crimson with a sea of undead blood.
Or at least, that’s the intention. In practice, the recoil from so many weapons firing at once would likely send the chair flying backwards or spinning around uncontrollably. This would make it nearly impossible to hit one’s target and, at worst, leave the user stuck trying to adjust the direction of the chair while zombies encircle them from all directions.
Granted, there are few funnier ways to be overwhelmed by the undead hoard. Still though, that would likely provide little solace as one’s flesh is torn apart and the weapon one spent so much time building does little more than look cool.
Experimental MIRV (Fallout)
When it comes to the Fallout universe, most would point to the Fatman as the most fantastical weapon out there. Which is fair, until one learns about the Experimental MIRV.
In addition to launching miniature nuclear bombs, the MIRV comes with the added “bonus” of splitting said warheads into multiple smaller projectiles. Each one then detonates on impact, leading to a spread of nuclear explosions all around one’s intended target.
This is all well and good in the fantasy world of Fallout, but in reality, this would make using the weapon suicidally stupid to use. If the user was lucky enough to survive being so close to the blast radius of one shot from the weapon, they’d still have a higher than likely chance of succumbing to radiation poisoning from the nearby nuclear detonations.
As a result, it’d be impossible to see any situation where using this weapon would be advisable for a normal human being. They’d be better off using standard weaponry, or at the very least sticking to the Fatman and its single-projectile firing style.
χ-blade (Kingdom Hearts Series)
The Kingdom Hearts series has a plethora of ridiculous weapons in its armory, but none are as ludicrous as the χ-blade.
A blade capable of opening Kingdom Hearts itself and the inspiration for every other Keyblade in existence, this monstrosity is the series’ take on magical greatswords.
This is all well and good, but magical artifact of immense power or not, this thing would be difficult as heck to hold onto. It doesn’t have a handle so much as it has two hand guards moulded together, and while characters could try to use one of the actual handles on the side, it’d probably be as comfortable as holding an N64 controller.
This is bad enough, but when you factor in the insane lengths one needs to go to in order to manifest it – not least of which include arcane rituals, meticulous scheming and 10+ years worth of manipulating the action of 20 other people – it’s not worth the hassle, especially when there are plenty of other Keyblades lying around for the taking.
The FINGeR (Resident Evil 3 Remake)
Though it may be one of the more recently seen weapons on this list – and admittedly one of the more epic ones too – it’s undeniable that the Resident Evil 3 Remake‘s Ferromagnetic Infantry Use Next Generation Railgun is a highly impractical weapon.
While it may be capable of defeating Tyrant-level bioweapons with only a few shots at most, the sizable weapon isn’t easy to lug around. Even a super-powered protagonist clad in plot armor like Jill would have trouble maneuvering with it, and upon firing the weapon, the kickback is enough to crack the ground underneath her.
This means that most any regular soldier wouldn’t be able to lift it. Even if they did, the kickback may well be enough to shatter their legs, arms and other body parts, leaving them vulnerable to attack from whatever grotesque monstrosities they were trying to kill should they not succeed with one shot.
Throw in the massive energy cost required for each shot and how it needed to stay hooked up to said source, and it’s clear that this cheekily named blaster needs more time in research and development.
Beam Katana (No More Heroes Series)
While the No More Heroes universe is filled to bursting with zany characters and zanier weapons, the Beam Katana proves to be too wacky for its own good.
While it does offer the same deadly efficiency as a light saber thanks to its harnessing light as a weapon, its battery life is abysmal and requires its users to recharge it by shaking it vigorously every few minutes. This results in many a situation where users will be on the cusp of victory, only to have to stop and jerk the handle around until it springs back to life.
It’s hilarious to watch in a game, but this would be a nightmare in actual combat. Any enemy with half a brain would simply bide their time until the katana needed to be recharged, and then unload on the idiot dumb enough to try and take this impractical and defective weapon into battle.
Gyro Burster (Jak 3)
The Jak and Daxter series is beloved by many, not least of which for its crazy and inventive armory of Morph Gun Mods to choose from. Of them though, few are as dangerous to the wielder and their allies as the Gyro Burster.
The highest level mod for the Blaster variant of the Morph Gun, this upgrade sends out an automated disk capable of firing off volleys of blasts at enemies after it warms up for a second. Said volleys also lock onto targets as the disk moves around the battlefield, ensuring every bullet used finds a target and maximizes its deadliness.
Unfortunately, this can prove to be a double-edged sword. In addition to locking onto enemies, it’ll also lock onto allied forces, especially if it managed to kill every foe before the bulk of its ammo has been used.
This can result in a glut of allied casualties and friendly fire, turning the user from a one-man army praised by all into a blundering war criminal with a severe lack of care for their allies.
As such, the weapon’s only real use would be in situations where the user is alone, and given its warm-up time, it likely wouldn’t get a shot off before the enemy had successfully torn the lonely user to shreds with claws, beams or some other nightmarish end.
Wabbajack (The Elder Scrolls Series)
While it’s understandable why someone would want to use one of The Elder Scrolls series’ magical weapons and artifacts, any sane person would think twice before using Sheogorath’s Wabbajack staff.
An embodiment of the mad god’s taste for chaos, the staff randomly transforms living beings into different creatures. Humans could be turned into mudcrabs, while Daedra and other monsters could be molded into even worse monstrosities.
The effect is completely random too, so the wielder never knows if they’ll be saving themselves from a deadly foe or bringing an even more dangerous threat to the table; which, given Sheogorath’s troll-ish nature, is likely to skew toward the latter.
It’s good for a laugh once or twice, but in all honesty, only a madman would ever think to use this impractical staff regularly.
The Penetrator (Saints Row Series)
Few weapons from the Saints Row franchise would translate properly into useful weapons, but the Penetrator easily takes the cake as the most ludicrous weapon in its arsenal.
Though it would serve its purpose admirably – that being to intimidate and subdue foes by beating them down with a giant dildo on a handle – its effectiveness would diminish with each time it was used.
Sure, the first goon one rushes with it would be bewildered enough to take out, but after their allies came to their senses, they’d gun the user down without a second thought.
And that’s to say nothing of trying to carry it around. If its floppy, unwieldy design didn’t dissuade one from trying to walk around with it, the flurry of public indecency charges and ensuing fines most certainly would.
The Bane (Borderlands 2)
Borderlands 2’s populace has plenty of valid reasons to warn each other about the Hyperion Bane, and key among them are the ways in which it’s inadvisable to actually use.
Though not cursed by any magic or hexes, the sub-machine gun lets out a hideous shriek with each bullet one fires; which, thanks to its automatic firing build, leads to a steady stream of annoying sounds. Not only that, but it impedes the user’s movement substantially while equipped, either because of its weight or because of some kind of unspecified Hyperion tech.
This means that in addition to having to tune out the annoying sounds it’s constantly making, one would have to deal with delayed reaction and movement speeds while trying to fend off crazed cannibals, deadly robots and more.
It’s more trouble than it’s worth, and any sane person would be fully in their right mind to just chuck this impractical weapon as soon as it crosses their path.
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