In case you missed it, Super Bowl LIV was played this weekend — a game that I can’t help but read as an obtuse nickname for someone named Olivia.
Here, the Kansas City Chiefs were crowned champions in the NFL’s centennial season, ending a 50-year drought for the embattled franchise. It’s not necessarily a surprise, as the Chiefs were pegged by most to overcome the stingy San Francisco 49ers defense, but they’re not quite the most dominant squad to ever hoist the Lombardi Trophy.
Many other teams would have carried more favor, like MVP Lamar Jackson and his Baltimore Ravens, or the high flying offense of the New Orleans Saints. It’s hard to pick, really, because parity took a refreshing step forward this season, and though some rosters were presumptively better than others, none of them were obviously exceptional.
If you’re a fan of certainty, however, there are some teams that spring to mind who would have absolutely torn through both the Chiefs and 49ers. And the Ravens, and the Saints… and especially the stupid Cleveland Browns.
New York Nightmare
With five league championships to their name (plus two division 2 titles for good measure), the New York Nightmare are the most prolific team in Blitz: the League. Their defense is suitably nightmarish to play against, headed by linebacker Quentin Sands. Somehow, Mr. Sands sounds like an adorable name, but beware, he is not adorable in the slightest.
Well, maybe a little bit. He looks like a cuddler.
Sands is in actual fact a 3-time MVP and 10-time All-Star, and proves to be a brutal, cunning antagonist. He’d like to end your career with his violent hits, and afterwards, he might just snatch up your girlfriend. At that point, they’ll probably — yep, you guessed it — cuddle.
Indeed, Mr. Sands and his Nightmare brethren are more than happy to employ shady tactics if need be, whether it’s instigating violence, juicing up, or the occasional dalliance with a prostitute. Hopefully, Andy Reid would be able to keep his team away from such shenanigans, or else the Chiefs’ hopes of defending their title would be over before it even began.
That being said, I’m sure Andy goes off at the club; glow sticks, hookers and a lot of blow. Powerful man. Powerful visual.