Destiny. You may love it, you may despise it, it may have even grown on you like a $500 million fungus, but there can be no doubt that it let a lot of people down. There’s broken hearts out there, and while my typical heartbreak advice consists of a coupon for chocolate ice cream and directions to the nearest liquor store, I feel those suffering from post-Destiny breakup could use some special pick-me-ups.
1) Scramble to get your $60 back.
Whether you’re enjoying the game or not, you’re probably feeling a deep hole in your pocket that used to be filled with money. Couldn’t hurt making it back, and maybe even spending it on another game (or 60 Taco Bell burritos… gods have mercy on your colon).
This scheme may entail opening a lemonade stand, selling cookies door-to-door, or digging through public fountains for change. Depending on your age, these things may be either adorable or criminal offenses. Check local laws accordingly.
For real, though: If you’ve discovered Destiny is something that really has no value to you, try to salvage what you can. Sell it online, strike a deal with a friend, or trade it in at a local retailer for another game. Best Buy is offering $40 in credit for a trade-in of Destiny on any console, while Amazon and GameStop are offering slightly less.
2) Go to the actual moon.
That’s right, it’s never too late to become an astronaut. Remember, at some point in astronaut school, you’ll find out there aren’t any bosses on the moon, and the loot level depends on how neat a rock you can find. They won’t let you take guns, and no, you can’t wear a cape. But you don’t care, right? Oh… you do care? Well, that’s strange. You should probably stay on Earth, then. You can wear a cape here.
For real, though: The general point here is that if space adventure, galactic rampaging, or a cool new FPS experience sparked your interest in Destiny, you’re likely to find the same themes in other past or future games. Not all hope is lost. There’s plenty of fish in the lunar sea. (There actually aren’t ANY fish in the lunar sea really, because of the water thing, but I like the metaphor too much to care.)
3) Kidnap Peter Dinklage and make him your personal narrator.
Dinklage is fantastic, he really is. But unfortunately, his Destiny voice acting tried to walk a line between dramatic narration and robotic monotone, which resulted in the companion swinging violently between cheesy and flat in each sentence. Why does Ghost have to sound so robotic anyway? Voice emulators in 2014 sounds choppy, metallic, and unemotional. I’m sure that if civilization has advanced so far as to colonize, destroy, and then re-explore Venus, our robots will speak with perfect human eloquence and tone.
So, how do we remedy this atrocious waste of talent? We put the talent to use. Everyone deserves to be guided through life by the real Peter Dinklage, not this metallic fortune teller. Maybe kidnap is a strong word, though. Let’s go with… forced companionship.
Important Note: If I find out one of you guys actually went out and did this on my recommendation, I’ll be very angry… and a little flattered. Don’t do it. I also accept no responsibility for your actions.
For real, though: Go enjoy his acting in Game of Thrones and remind yourself that Dinklage is king.
4) Dance randomly in public, hoping others will join you.
Let’s be honest here. Random public dance parties are 80% of every multiplayer experience. Randomly busting a move in front of others is scientifically contagious, and people WILL join you without any hesitation or question. This tactic is so effective and universal that it must be at least a fraction as successful in real life. You should totally try it.
For real, though: Fun with others is key to a lot of gaming experiences. If you’re not enjoying Destiny, try joining a clan, getting your friends involved, or enjoying more of the community aspects of the game. And if all else fails, dance.