My mind is a gutter. I think of all the weirdest things at all the weirdest times of day. Driving home one day, I listened to a couple of songs that equated way too well with the plight of certain video games and certain video games characters. I even scared myself with how well some of these fit. Here are some of the crazy connections I made in my mind on hit songs that were probably actually totally written by game characters.
1. “Hold On, We’re Going Home,” a love letter written by Mario to Peach.
Steven Moffat could never imagine such sadness as that of Mario.
Alright, how many times has the plot of a Mario game been to head out into the world and save Peach? With all the crap Mario puts up with, he seems to be as desperate a romantic as Drizzy Drake. As Mario hops, jumps, rides, and flies all around the world to rescue Peach, I can totally see him running these lyrics through his sad little mind:
I got my eyes on you,
You’re everything that I see
I want your high love and emotion endlessly
I can’t get over you
You left your mark on me
Just hold on, we’re going home [x2]
It’s hard to do these things alone
I’m already tainting my view of mainstream music by making these connections.
2. “Wrecking Ball,” the anthem of a romantic Bowser who just wants to be loved
Bowser hasn’t met Miley yet, but when he does, expect him to be rushing in on Chain Chomps from then on out
There’s no question about it, Bowser is a bit rough around the edges and he isn’t always the best at explaining his loving emotions, oftentimes being downright dirty in doing so. But if Paper Mario is any indication, Bowser is an emotional Koopa, and he has some jaded love to express just the same. Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” is probably all too well indicative of Bowser’s rough, one-way relationship with Peach.
I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
Yeah, you wreck me
I put you high up in the sky
And now, you’re not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we’re ashes on the ground
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should’ve let you win
And come on, we all know we can totally see Bowser in a skimpy little outfit and a sledgehammer crashing in on Peach on a wrecking ball.
3. “Gas Pedal,” from a ravenous John Shepard to a very desirable Miranda Lawson’s booty (or everyone in his crew, we know Shepard doesn’t discriminate)
Commander Shepard appreciating Miranda’s intellect
Commander Shepard is a great guy, we all know that–probably at the peak of Morality Mountain. But that doesn’t mean he’s above banging half, if not all, of his crew. And why wouldn’t he? Mass Effect has an incredibly attractive cast of characters. Hell, even the alien characters are hot. But anyway, “Gas Pedal” is pretty applicable to those glances we know Shepard steals at his crew’s butts.
Grab the wall
Wiggle like you tryna make yo ass fall off
Hella thick I wanna smash em all, now
Speed up, gas pedal [x5]
Yo lil’ mama got sex appeal
I make her sing if she wanna get a record deal
What the shit do it’s finna get real
She got a booty so big it’s like a ferris wheel
Who in the Mass Effect cast would you smash? Don’t even try to convince me there isn’t anybody. You might even become eskimo brothers with Shepard!
4. “Brave,” Zelda’s desperate attempt to break Link out of his shell
In this relationship, muteness may as well be erectile dysfunction
Link is one of everybody’s favorite silent protagonists. And it’s ridiculous how he’s managed to stay so quiet for so long. Not even Zelda can handle it anymore. To that end, it seems she’s gone into Sara Bareilles’s mind and forced her to pump out a song out of her own visage.
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave
Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is
Okay, I compiled more lyrics than I wanted on this one, but I couldn’t help myself: it just fit so well. Also, operating on the 100% accurate assumption that Zelda actually took control of Bareilles’s mind to write this song, that last line above may be the creative outlash that Nintendo has never allowed Zelda…if you know what I mean.
5. “Summertime Sadness,” the anthem to a disastrous Far Cry 3 vacation
Little do they know they’re about to become Lana Del Rey’s newest posterchildren
Far Cry 3 starts off happy enough: Jason partying and celebrating with friends over Riley’s huge accomplishment. What could go wrong? Well, everything. And that’s where Lana comes in.
I’m feelin’ electric tonight
Cruisin’ down the coast goin’ ’bout 99
Got my bad baby by my heavenly side
I know if I go, I’ll die happy tonight
Oh, my God, I feel it in the air
Telephone wires above are sizzling like a snare
Honey, I’m on fire, I feel it everywhere
Nothing scares me anymore
I think I’ll miss you forever
Like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky
Later’s better than never
Even if you’re gone I’m gonna drive
I’ve got that summertime, summertime sadness
S-s-summertime, summertime sadness
Got that summertime, summertime sadness
Oh, oh, oh, oh oh
I’m sorry, there is nothing funny about either the plight of Lana Del Rey or Far Cry 3, but I absolutely could not stop laughing when putting these two together in their equitable tragedy and misery.
Any hit songs of 2013 you think match up with game characters and their struggles? I’d love to hear them. Tell us below!