At last, Microsoft have woken up and smelt the roses, and/or coffee. Far away, in some office of some looming monolith, a bunch of marketing executives knocked their heads together to come up with the perfect ad. “Who are we selling our console to?” they screamed into the sky – why had the marketing gods forsaken them? They ravaged through thousands of pages of statistics, charts, diagrams, all of which kept coming back to the same figures: all of these people pouring thousands of hours into Call of Duty, Skyrim, Gears of War. ‘Nerds!’ they cried, ‘I beat up nerds in school! Xbox, pour me another scotch.’ No, marketing a games console to people who ‘played games’ would be the company’s demise, there had to be another way.
It was only after several days of tumultuous arguing, swearing, and rocking in the corner that, finally, a voice of reason spoke up.
“Of course, the answer was there all along…” said Jenson Jeeves, staring wistfully out the window. “Sports fans. Young sports fans. With big-ass TVs.” Suddenly it was so clear, so obvious. The ludicrously wealthy millennials, the stunningly attractive early-to-mid twenty-year-olds with their six-figure salaries in beautiful condos and family homes, with spacious living rooms, 50-inch TVs and seemingly never-ending roof parties; but most importantly of all, with an insatiable love for sports. NFL, NHL, NBL, NZL, NXL, NQL – whatever, you can’t stop these guys, they’ll watch ‘em all, and they need some kind of black box that plays them while talking to their equally sexy and young and wealthy friends. The demographic’s pretty much as big as you can get, and with the way this economy’s going, it’s only growing. Microsoft got to work immediately on the work of sheer genius you can see above.
‘Xbox, give me a foot rub.’