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[Featurama] Mass Effect 3’s Ending Sucks, So We Came Up With New Ones!


[Featurama] Mass Effect 3’s Ending Sucks, So We Came Up With New Ones!

Okay, so I haven’t even touched Mass Effect 3 yet, but that hasn’t stopped me from looking into this whole ending controversy that’s spreading like wildfire. From what I’ve gathered, folks are upset that an ending they’ve spent 60+ working towards isn’t everything they’ve wanted, and are now invalidating all of the experiences they’ve had thus far in the game. I have no sympathy for these people since I’m a lifelong Star Wars fan; We’re used to this crap by now!

However, I feel for those upset by Bioware’s decision to end their franchise as they saw fit. And how best to give back to these poor bastards than propose a bunch of new endings for them? Hit the jump for my suggestions, as well as those of my fellow writers and editors.

  • In the end, Shepard led his stalwart crew in to hell and came back. Achievement Unlocked: You Got the Harem Ending! (Christopher Hadlock)
  • In the end, Shepard falls down into a cliff. Right after he lands, a Game Over screen appears. Darth Revan raises his hands up off the keyboard in fury. “This game sucks.” (Tyler Humphrey)
  • Shepard and co. save the Earth. As the camera pulls back from a shot of Earth, it suddenly turns into the marble scene from the end of Men in Black. (Maxwell Roahrig)
  • Immediately before activating the Crucible and saving humanity, the screen fades to black. The words: “Insert Disc 3” appear. There is no Disc 3. (Tyler Humphrey)
  • Fifty years after the reaper invasion had ended a film crew has come to ask the great Admiral Shepherd to recount the how he felt during this event. Two questions in, the octogenarian punches the reporter in the face. Freeze frame, fade to black. (Christopher Hardlock)
  • Essentially, Shepard realizes that the whole time he had been a housewife, stranded on a desert island fighting hallucinations which he called “Reapers.” Turns out he just kept throwing coconuts into the ocean and they took over his universe…which was the shore. (Brett McLeod)
  • As the Reapers approach Earth, Shepard discovers that a “Death Reaper”, the ultimate weapon of the Reaper fleet, is on its way to his home-planet, capable of destroying the entire planet in a single laser beam. After careful research, it is found that Reapers DO have a weakness: a small exhaust port carefully placed in a trench near the top of the Reaper. As the Normandy begins its descent into the hollow, an indoctrinated warship follows Shepard and company. Just when it seems like the Reaper’s pawn has the upper-hand, Captain Anderson comes out of nowhere in his customized beauty of a spaceship, shooting it down. As the ship spirals down to the surface below, Anderson yells, “YAHOO! You’re all clear, kid! Now let’s blow this thing and go home!” as he rises out of the metallic canyon to rejoin the battle on the surface. “Joker, you’ve turned off your targeting computer,” warns EDI as the ship nears the end of the narrow stretch of sentient metal. Joker fires the Normandy’s payload into the small exposed port and carefully escapes the blast radius with the Shepard and his crew. After destroying the Death Reaper and saving Earth, Shepard and co. are awarded with medals by the Council. After the ceremony, Shepard explains to his crew that they will be traveling to a nearby swamp planet to train with a legendary SPECTRE warrior. Credits roll. (Tyler Humphrey)
  • The Crucible is activated, and the Reapers are turned into massive BLTs. World hunger ended, thanks to Commander Shepard. (Maxwell Roahrig)
  • Can you give me a minute? I’m about 40 hours before the end. I’ll catch up in a sec. (Stephen Turner)
  • Shepard uncovers the President of the Reapers, and is about to storm his press conference when Reaper Secret Security fires on him. Suddenly, Shepard’s Prothean squadmate dives in the way and shields Shepard, allowing the hero to kill President Reaper and save the galaxy. NOTE: IF THE PLAYER HAS NOT PURCHASED “FROM THE ASHES” PLEASE REWRITE LAST SECTION TO INCLUDE SHEPARD DYING AND THE GALAXY BEING OBLITERATED (Zach Wheat)
  • Charles Barkley and Scottie Pippen fly into action out of nowhere, go Super Saiyan and throw an unlimited supply of now flaming basketballs at the Reaper ships at incredible speeds, annihilating the Reaper army in a matter of minutes. Shepherd and his crew take Charles and Scottie out to Denny’s for a Spaghetti Basket celebration. Also Skeletor is there. (Trey Highland)
  • Shepard was fighting this big beefy guy; this real sick neo-nazi fuck with swastikas tattooed on his arms. The beefy guy had disarmed our hero, and was now toying with his battered and bruised body. Just as Shepherd fell to his last leg, the clouds parted to reveal the full moon, casting its pale glow across the sky. A ghastly smile crept across Shepard’s lips, and he choked out “You messed with the wrong spectre, bub- HURNGH!” His eyes rolled back in his head, and his features grew sallow. With a crack, his knees folded back in on themselves, and he fell to all fours in the manner of a hound. His shirt became swollen and ripped at the seams, revealing a coat of silken black fur. He shuddered with the demonic transformation, and let out a guttural howl – “AROOOOOO!” The nazi brute fell backwards, quaking with fear. “I’m … I’m sorry!” he managed- but to no avail. The Shepherd had become the wolf, and did not cling to base human emotions like pity. He leapt forward and sunk his fangs into the Nazi’s flesh, and reared backwards, separating bone from sinew as one would eat string cheese. When the wolf had finished devouring the Nazi, his red eyes became sympathetic, and features became more gentle and human. The fur sloughed off of him in a pile, and his size regressed to that of a man. He fell to the floor, nude and unconscious next to the remains of his prey for the security guard to discover the next morning. The camera zooms away from them, out the window of the Natural History Museum, and comes to rest on the now-obscured moon, as the scene dims, and credits begin to roll. (Keith Chima)
  • Immediately before activating the Crucible and saving humanity, Shepherd’s space hamster falls out of his shirt pocket and starts chewing on random wires. This causes the Crucible to explode, killing everything ever. The End. (Muaz Zekeria)
  • Shepard gets hit by the laser, wakes up in a building’s hallway. Player spends five minutes limping to the end of the long hallway to open the door before them. It’s a writing room at Bioware’s headquarters. The camera pans on all of them. Shepard looks on, confused. It turns to the head writer…. He shrugs. CREDITS. (Yamilia Avendaño)

Now is your turn! Leave your own new ending in the comments.

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