Anyone for cake?
It’s hard to believe Portal (and Team Fortress 2!) is turning 10 today. Initially included in The Orange Box, Portal was a puzzle game that was probably an afterthought to most prior to getting their hands on it and it ended up one of the most critically acclaimed games of its generation and spawned an equally successful sequel with Portal 2.
Most importantly though, the Portal series gave us GlaDOS, one of the baddest AIs of all time. She was equal parts dangerous, and witty, and delivered some of the best and most savage one-liners in all of video gaming. So what better to celebrate how awesomely evil she was than by remembering some of her most poignant daggers that she threw at the undeserving and silent protagonist, Chell.
Note: These are the best lines, and some of them might include spoilers for Portal and Portal 2. Although both games are pretty old, if you don’t want spoilers, don’t read on! Thanks to IMBD and the fine YouTubers linked here for help with the Portal quotes!
“Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official testing record, followed by death.”
“Unbelievable. You, *subject name here,* must be the pride of *subject hometown here.*”
“There was even going to be a party for you. A big party that all your friends were invited to. I invited your best friend, the Companion Cube. Of course, he couldn’t come because you murdered him. All your other friends couldn’t come, either, because you don’t have any other friends because of how unlikable you are. It says so right here in your personnel file: “Unlikable. Liked by no one. A bitter, unlikable loner, whose passing shall not be mourned. Shall NOT be mourned.” That’s exactly what it says. Very formal. Very official. It also says you were adopted, so that’s funny, too. “
“When I said “deadly neurotoxin,” the “deadly” was in massive sarcasm quotes. I could take a bath in this stuff. Put it on cereal, rub it right into my eyes. Honestly, it’s not deadly at all… to *me*. You, on the other hand, are going to find its deadliness… a lot less funny. “
“Time out for a second. That wasn’t supposed to happen. Do you see that thing that fell out of me? What is that? It’s not the surprise. I’ve never seen it before! Never mind, it’s a mystery I’ll solve later… by myself, because you’ll be dead. “
“That thing you burned up isn’t important to me; it’s the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It makes shoes for orphans… nice job breaking it, hero.”
“All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees kelvin. Rest assured, that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. Thank you for participating in that Aperture Science Enrichment activity. Goodbye!”
“You look ugly in that jumpsuit. That’s not my opinion; it’s right here on your fact sheet. They said on everyone else it looked fine, but on you, it looked hideous. But still what does an old engineer know about fashion? Oh, wait, it’s a she. Still, what does she know about – oh, wait. She has a medical degree. In fashion. From France.
“Oh, you were busy back there. Well, I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea. It’s your old friend, deadly neurotoxin. If I were you, I’d take a deep breath. And hold it.”
“The two of you have formed an excellent partnership, with one of you handling the cerebral challenges and the other ready to ponderously waddle into action should the test suddenly become an eating contest. “
“Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I’m serious, that’s what it says: “A horrible person.” We weren’t even testing for that. Don’t let that horrible-person thing discourage you. It’s just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother’s decision to abandon you on a doorstep. “
Happy anniversary to Portal, Team Fortress 2 and The Orange Box!