Parks and Recreation’s Nick Offerman is going head-to-head with Yarny, star of the upcoming platforming game Unravel. What kind of sport could join a bearded actor and an inanimate, human-shaped tangle? You guessed it, sitting beside a fire, silently, for nearly an hour.
Both Yarny and Offerman released their own Yule Log specials this week, and being the unwavering fountain of patience we are, we watched both of them side by side for an hour. So who was the ultimate fireside stoic?
Nick Offerman journeys to his fireside, marching patriotically through a field of sheep to the strong tune of bagpipes. An elegant book, My Tales of Whiskey, opens to a billowing fire. The camera zooms out, perfectly timed to catch the night’s first sip of Lagavulin Single Malt. The pan to whiskey sip, perhaps the most powerful film technique since the lens flare.
Yarny stands next to a pine cone.
Offerman’s fireplace is roaring with bright yellow flames engulfing a girthy log.
Yarny enjoys the warmth of a couple of toasty branches. Smoldering, but not in a sexy way. A spark barely escapes a gap towards the left. Even worse, Yarny seems to have but one chunk of spare firewood left.
Nick Offerman’s hearty pile of lumber, which he likely chopped with his bare hands, will last all night.
A giant, mysterious hand enters at 5:20 and gives Yarny a stiff pat on the head, the way one would acknowledge a very unsanitary dog or say goodbye to a very awkward or maybe very unsanitary date. Our friend is whisked away, his fireside left empty for exactly 60 seconds. Offerman remains in place, seemingly victorious. But what’s this? Yarny returns atop a throne of wrapping paper and ribbon.
Offerman’s leather seat, though functional and robust this cow flesh may be, is no match while Yarny’s butt embraces a pile of holiday cheer.
Offerman’s warm mug ebbs and flows with calm expressions. A slight smirk, a calm blink, a dazed merriment of fire and liquor. It is clear he is deep in joyful thoughts, perhaps of family or of a roasted ham.
Yarny feels nothing. His cold, dead eyes, once looking straight at our souls, now stare into the abyss. He knows your doom. He has seen the end of times.
While Offerman enjoys a nice, fire department-sanctioned distance from his flames, Yarny parks it right in front of an unshielded inferno, fully exposed. At 34:07, a feeble log finally gives in and begins plummeting towards the red pile of flammable wool that is Yarny’s entire body. He doesn’t even flinch.
Offerman’s bottle of whiskey poses no threat. It sits there, not on fire, not shuttling impending doom into his direction. Offerman does not flinch either.
Let us know who you think won the fireside showdown. Final points to consider: Offerman probably did not drink that whiskey, but instead poured it directly into his beard. And while Yarny represents friendship and family, he definitely started an uncontained fire that will consume him and everything he loves.