It… it can’t be…
Hours. For hours we’ve been watching Ubisoft’s announcement stream, waiting patiently for the reveal of their next game. Nations have risen and fallen. Children have grown old and learned to love. But the news just never comes.
At this point, there’s only one explanation. Ubisoft saw the IGN Turkey leak of Far Cry Primal, and they are stalling until they can come up with a different game to announce.
“We need a new one!” a producer probably shouted while standing on the desk of a sobbing programmer. “It needs to be prehistoric, and we need it fast. We can only zoom out of this cave image so slowly.”
Far Cry Primal had been a project months in the making. Now it was gone. All of it. Because of Turkey.
The gravity of the situation finally hit the somber team. The producer squinted his eyes and exhaled slowly: “Set the zoom… even slower, Donald.”
Yeah, this wait is excruciating, and the stream probably holds the Guinness world record for longest Ken Burns effect in history. But just imagine – somewhere, in an office undergoing an emergency lockdown, Ubisoft is speed rebranding their entire project. Frantically wedging each of their other franchises into the stone age until something sticks.
It’s panic. Complete panic the likes of which Ubisoft has never known. At one point, a writer just snapped and tried pitching Horizon: Zero Dawn. Three lead designers approved it before someone finally realized.
“I would take a million ‘no face glitches‘ over this,” an artist lamented, as he crossed out concept sketches for Child of Light 2: The Meltdown. “I would rather BE a no face glitch. I WOULD RATHER HAVE NO FACE.”
“Can we pass this off as Watch Dogs 2?” someone mumbled through the depression of their 10-hour brainstorm session. The executives slowly raised their heads from the tables, in awe.
A confused intern looked around and squeaked, “Shouldn’t we… just make this an Assassin’s Creed game? Because… it’s the series that travels through time?”
“No,” Donald whispered, pushing the ‘Start Stream’ button that would change their lives forever. “Watch Dogs 2: Hack in Time is coming.”