It’s safe to say that Ubisoft has a lot to prove at this year’s E3. Most of their products from last year looked great, but ended up just spitting hot acid in everyone’s faces. So to kick off their conference, they just decide to scroll through the day one Twitter feed of the Assassin’s Creed, Watch Dogs, and The Crew releases. That goes on longer than anyone would’ve expected, mainly because the wifi at E3 is shitty and it takes a while to load. But once all that’s said and done, they bring out Aisha Tyler and pledge that this will be about games that people will want to play and not demand a refund of 4 hours after purchase.
To begin things, they show off a prerendered trailer for 2 Watch 2 Dogs, aka 2 Stupid Dogs in the UK. Everyone’s favorite bland slate (well, second, since Microsoft already showed off Halo 5) Aiden Pearce is back, and he’s joined by none other than Tyrese Gibson. You’ll be able to switch between the two characters at any point in the story, but the caveat is that just like Adewale in Assassin’s Creed 4, Tyrese will only be playable in DLC that you can get if you pre-order the Signature Gold edition. Thankfully, you can pre-order right now and it’ll automatically download to your system, in all its untested glory. Also, the SG edition has a track by Ludacris that’s missing the vocals, the music, half the album art, and even the disc itself.
Second on the list is Rainbow Six Siege, which not only will let you play as Aisha Tyler, but goes so far as to include the entire cast of Archer. Meaning those hostages are pretty much screwed because whoever’s playing as Archer will just shout “RAMPAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!” and burst in firing at everyone. And then shoot Brett somehow, despite him being two states away.
Next up is Assassin’s Creed Syndicate, which actually looks fun to play and will sell like crack cocaine bundled with Splatoon Amiibos to 12 year olds. With the film coming out, Ubisoft decides to show off some footage from the 2016 film starring Michael Fassbender. It’s full of the usual Assassin’s Creed stuff; parkour, stabbing, modern day setting, a
bland white guy voiced by Nolan North compelling protagonist. Unfortunately, this also means it has the worst aspects of Assassin’s Creed; climbing is a pain in the ass, sword fighting is obnoxious, and the present day stuff is just… it’s so dull. Just the dullest.
After the movie clip, Ubisoft will announce a solo DLC side story where you can play as Syndicate’s co-protagonist Evie Frye that’ll be available after Syndicate’s release. However, because she’s a woman and they’re difficult to animate, they’re also looking for animators. This entire conference was actually a front for a hiring pool. But these are journalists, and none of them can animate.
Just Dance and Rayman were unable to attend E3 this year for reasons unknown, but some sources say they saw Sam Fisher snapping their necks and dragging them to the alley where the Prince of Persia has been hanging out for a while.
[Editor’s Note: This is an entirely satirical article… but, like, what if any of this actually happens? Man, we’d be so freaked out.]