Once again, we begin Sony’s E3 conferences with a highlight reel of their biggest games set to that song by Imagine Dragons. If you have trouble remembering which, it’s the one that isn’t Radioactive. After that, we start with a demo for Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End. You start the game as Drake stealing an ancient trinket, get caught by the police, and are sentenced 25 to life for multiple robberies and wearing your shirt half tucked in. Serves that tool right. With the development of Uncharted 4 lasting roughly the average length of a Doctor Who episode, Naughty Dog has spent their time focusing on a reboot to their famous franchise Jak and Daxter. Or rather, a reboot to Jak X: Combat Racing, the one we all kinda sorta acknowledge but don’t really talk much about.
The trailer opens with Daxter being his usual old yappy self as he and Jak head to their souped-up ride. They try starting it, but it turns out that the engine has been stolen, by none other than… Sly Cooper?! The elf-thing (seriously, what is Jak?) and the raccoon are then joined by a certain furball and robot galaxy saving duo. You’re reading this right, folks: Sly Cooper, Ratchet and Clank, and Jak and Daxter are back. Not in that awful PlayStation Move Heroes title, but in PlayStation Legends, a joint project between various Sony studios due next Spring.
The trailer ends with some banter between the heroes before they’re cut in half by the Blades of Chaos. Kratos stomps on screen, the God of War theme blaring behind him. Kratos turns behind him in a totally badass way and sees Cole McGrath from Infamous…and Delsin Rowe from Second Son. The two Conduits turn to each other, Delsin puts his hand on Cole’s shoulder to drain some of his power. One hand is filled with lightning, the other with smoke. Kratos rushes the two Conduits, who combine their powers for a smoke lightning attack. Cut to black.
Of course, this is Sony, so after that totally kickass announcement, we have to see some lame media stuff. Ooh, new Netflix filters. Hooray, new PlayStation TV thing that they’re thankfully just making $5 now so Amazon can just ship it to people for free in five months. The Vita will now be called the Remaster Import System, so if you like Persona or wanted to play Killzone: Shadow Fall on a tiny ass screen, you’re in luck! At least there’s always Remote Play, right?
Insomniac Games also steps onto the stage to show off their Ratchet and Clank movie, momentarily taking everyone back to the mindset of 2004 when the series was still something everyone was talking about, like Bryan Singer. A clip for the Sly Cooper movie is also shown, but as is the case for the series, it’s immediately overshadowed by the announcement of a Jak and Daxter movie.
[Editor’s Note: This is an entirely satirical article… but, like, what if any of this actually happens? Man, we’d be so freaked out.]