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Square Enix Comments on Exclusivity: "People Were Excited about a Tomb Raider Sequel?" (Satire)

In light of the recent controversy surrounding Rise of the Tomb Raider first being announced as an Xbox One/Xbox 360 exclusive, and subsequently being restated as a ‘timed exclusive’, publisher Square Enix has weighed in on this issue by releasing a statement expressing complete bafflement that so many people even cared.

“When we heard there was a controversy about exclusive content, we figured people were talking about Metal Gear or something. Then an assistant told me this was about Rise of the Tomb Raider being only on Xbox platforms and I was all, ‘REALLY?'” said an anonymous Square Enix source. “I was genuinely shocked. I mean it sold pretty well and all, but it’s not like people were petitioning it for a sequel or anything.”


"...Her?" -- Square Enix

“…Her?” — Square Enix

The source has said that after a brief Skype meeting with executives at Square Enix, they unanimously voted to reword their messaging to say that the exclusivity deal would ‘have a duration‘, and that it would appear on other systems at some point after its initial release. The source elaborated by stating, “We talked about it and figured ‘okay, whatever. Apparently people care.’ I just hope these fuckers actually follow through and buy it this time around.”

The source also mentioned that Square Enix would be reexamining their entire back catalogue to see if there’s anything else that somebody might be interested in. He was also heard muttering to himself, “Hell, we might be sitting on a gold mine here with all this Kingdom Hearts crap we’ve got lying around…” as he answered his ringing phone and walked off.

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