Take a look at the image below. You’ve probably seen it during your internet shuffle this past week. It supposedly confirms the next Uncharted game–Uncharted: The Battle of Gravelines. By “supposedly confirms”, I mean 100% verifies. This is America, and any titled document found on the internet is confirmed until proven fake. So until Naughty Dog shows up with an official press release, video, and commencement speech proving otherwise, let’s talk about what The Battle of Gravelines means.
The Battle of Gravelines actually has historical significance. It was a skirmish fought between France and Spain in 1558 at Gravelines, a French commune near Calais, France. Thing is, we’re pretty sure U4 is taking place in Madagascar, thanks to a teaser trailer a while back.
So to hell with that, we’re going to have to get creative.
The Battle of Gravelines
Of course… it’s so obvious! The battle is a psychological one. The saga continues in The Battle of Gravelines, as an aging Uncharted cast faces receding hairlines so vicious, they are called “gravelines.” Nathan’s seen a lot of sh*t, but nothing more terrifying than watching his coif abandon his own head. Lead designers say it will be a heartfelt storyline for fans, focusing in on Drake’s confrontation with mortality and his slow, painful follicular demise.
The Battle of Gravelines
In this haunting sequel (4-quel?), millions of murdered NPC grunts seek vengeance from beyond the grave. Their haunted gravestones, in linear formation, attack our protagonists. Combat will include a next level cover system featuring dynamic graveyard environments. When you duck behind a gravestone, will it protect you, or fight back?! Now cover isn’t an accessory to battle, it’s the enemy!
The Battle of Shaved Hinds
Some sources report that “Gravelines” was an embarrassing typo. Lonely pranksters– I mean, industry insiders have autocorrect accidents just like the rest of us.
Anyways, we all know and cherish the flawless posteriors of Uncharted. We here at Twinfinite salute them on a weekly basis. But unfortunately, studies show that so many grade-A derriers in one space is too distracting for players. Focus groups often missed design details, mission objectives, and entire sceneries because of those heroic hinds. In The Battle of Shaved Hinds, designers take a little off the back ends to refocus players on gameplay.
The Cattle of Graveloins
Our autocorrect cryptographers came up with a second interpretation of The Battle of Gravelines: The Cattle of Graveloins. What does this mean? We’re not sure. But there are cows, there are loins, and they mean business.
Alas, our algorithm can’t pinpoint the likelihood of Graveloins over Shaved Hinds, but we’ll keep the cryptos locked in the supply closet until they figure it out. Our commitment to our readers trumps basic human rights every time.
The Battle of Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke
This is actually completely confirmed upcoming DLC for Uncharted: The Battle of Gravelines. The details are a bit fuzzy, but the expansion will heavily feature Robin Thicke’s twerk-heavy tune, “Blurred Lines.”
It seems odd that Naughty Dog would announce a full, music-based DLC pack before announcing the actual game, but who are we to doubt the creators of Nathan Drake.
Is there a decoded title that our middle-notch cryptographers missed? Let us know your interpretations in the comments.
Oh dang, I was supposed to put this at the beginning:
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