So, a funny thing happened at the Twinfinite offices the other day.
To several of our editors, scattered across many hundreds of miles of America, mysterious signals were received in the middle of the night, in the form of blinking flashes across the screens of our ritualistic Beyonce (praise be to her) video viewings. Compelled by the flashes, and possibly pissed off by their interrupting of the Holy One’s sermons, we slowly cracked the code to reveal an incredible secret.
The flashes were transmissions sent to us by the future versions of ourselves, and since we are real gaming journalists there is no reason to believe future us-es are filthy, good-for-nothing liars. To that end, we present to you Totally Real News From The Future: E3 Announcements Edition.
Nintendo Returning to Its Roots… And Opening up a Sex Hotel
In a shocking turn of events, investors in Nintendo found out today that the beloved video game company’s recent $100 million investment was indeed to open up a Nintendo Sex Hotel. No word yet on when it will be opening exactly, but we do have confirmation that there will be a Birdo’s Blowjob floor.
In an apology for their recent scandal, they’re also including an entire floor of Tomodachi Life for their homosexual audience to enjoy. Meanwhle, Animal Crossing‘s special floor is for furries. It seems they’re really taking into account everyone, and we wish them nothing but the best.
Sony Buys Facebook, Will Combine Morpheus with Oculus to Create “Project Jenga”
Today, in a joint announcement between Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Cerny, and Shuhei Yoshida (above) on top of a mountain of unbought copies of Knack, Facebook phones, and the bones of Yoshida’s enemies (including ex-Xbox head Marc Whitten, no word yet if charges are being pressed), it was revealed that Sony would be buying Facebook for two billion dollars, and would be combining Oculus VR’s goggles with their own Morpheus headset to form something called “Project Jenga”.
When pressed to tell what “Project Jenga” would entail, Zuckerberg and Yoshida giggled to each other before smacking elbows and pointing to Mark Cerny, who was standing next to the duo wearing a Morpheus headset with an Oculus VR duct taped to the top of the device. When asked how they planned to ship these, Zuckerberg plainly responded “We bought duct tape. Like, all of it.” Yoshida then stated that the “nature of Project Jenga is that it simply keeps going” before showing concept art (drawn in Crayon) of Cerny with Move remotes for antlers. Cerny then started crying, and begging to be “let out of this endless lotus-eater machine of a business so he can just make good games again”, before getting beaten over the head with a fish by Yoshida, who yelled, “We are the kings of everything!”
Project Jenga has no release date.
Microsoft Announces Xbox One Controllerless Bundle
In a move everyone saw coming, Microsoft announced today during their E3 conference that they will be providing a new, cheaper Xbox One bundle. The bundle will focus more on the core gaming experience and will now come without a controller. This announcement no doubt comes as a result of years of pressure on MS to reduce the cost of the Xbox One. Removing the controller and selling the XOne as only the console and Kinect bar drops the price down to a neat, $400; the same price as Sony’s PS4.
We all knew this was coming. The Xbox gaming experience has clearly transitioned to favor motion controls and many of the ‘hardcore’ gaming community prefer waving their hands at the sensor bar over hitting buttons on a game pad. Controllers have been included with consoles since the 70’s. It’s good to see Microsoft finally going the extra mile to phase this aging technology out.
Nintendo: “Long Live the New Flesh”
Always on the forefront of technological innovation, E3 2014 promises to be no exception for Nintendo. Not only do they surprise everyone by holding an impromptu press briefing in the convention centre, but Reggie Fils-Aime reveals himself to be their newest console: The Reggii.
The Reggii is the first fully organic video game system. Not only will it use cartridges, but they will need to be inserted into your chest as you embark on the truly next generation of gaming. Fils-Aime will finish things off with the soon-to-be-legendary tagline: “My body is ready. Is yours?”
Sony Ends Console War with Project “PeaSe”
Our generation bears witness to one of the grandest struggles of our time: the console war. This bloody skirmish, brought home to our very living rooms, has mercilessly ravaged the bonds between friends, families, and those questionable internet relationships. It’s time to put a stop to the needless casualties of message board combat, unsuspected discussion hijacks, and dirty guerrilla ambushes on innocent and unrelated internet content. Sony, here at E3, has taken the first brave step forward in ending these heartbreaking hostilities.
Sony, in an unprecedented act of heroism, is excited to announce their new “PeaSe” initiative, a plan to reinstate the production of the marvelous PlayStation 2 and its associated games. With this, Sony is foregoing the needless bickering, and returning to a time of hope, free from rage strikes and fanboy brigades. Sony’s showcase of “Project PeaSe” was presented in honor of the millions of soldiers who stormed the beaches of “Comment Section”, and put their lives on the line… to hang safe while they anonymously tore through the internet trenches and message board foxholes.
Nokia N-Gage to Return with a Vengeance
I’ve got a really good feeling this year. No, I’m not talking about a new Legend of Zelda or Tekken; I’m talking about a console, the greatest console the world forgot: the Nokia N-Gage. It once boasted cutting-edge cell phone and gaming technology to bring you a revolutionary gaming device with a lineup of 6+ year old games. Impressive, right? Fortunately, the N-Gage is making its big comeback. I can’t say who, but an industry insider with a solid track record, in confidence, revealed that the Nokia N-Gage 2 is a thing and is definitely happening with details to be revealed as early as E3 2014.
That picture shows the console itself running Ubisoft’s Watch_Dogs at a gorgeous 60fps. Who cares about 1080p? Next-gen is really going to be all about 208p. We’ll be updating you with more information as soon as Nokia stops sending us cease-and-desists and finally decides to tell us what the full launch line-up for the N-Gage 2 is going to be.
That’s it for now, friends. We still have several missives waiting in the wings, so check back next week for more totally real news from the future.
[If you want more missives from the future, go support us by donating to our Patreon here. Believe it or not, downloading communications from the future is expensive. According to us/them/me, the files are 8 terabytes wide. I don’t know when width came into the equation, but hey, its the future. Don’t question it.]